She stood there, staring at them. They were on there knees, bowing to her, as they should be.
"Pitiful little things they are, they live in grub, mud, and pig pens for homes." She thought to her self, for she had no need to say it out loud, every one knew that's how she felt. She could hear murmers along the crowd, wispers and words of hate and distain about her. She was royalty, what made these pigs think that they could think anything other then loyalty and fear of her!
Then the rain came down.
A silk umbrella was put above her head, and her men carried her back to her palace steps on one of her many golden thrones. She walked up the marble stairs one at a time hoping not to slip and fall. What emmbarresment it would be, they would think her less of a god, and that could not be. Once at the top, her door men opened he ten foot tall bronze doors and let her in to go dry off.
She looked out her bay window, staring at the pitiful lives bowing down to her. She was dry, warm and about to eat a delicious dinner, while the peasants stayed out side, bowing in the rain and mud.
"Lady Yoma, Lady Yoma,"cried a messenger as he came running through the hallways "the King has sent the Lora Troop to you, they are on there way, it was supposed to be unknown, but I saw them and master told me to hurry and tell you, they're almost here!" He shouted frantically.
The Lora Troop, was the Kings best army, they were fighters, strategists, assassins, and mostly spies. They went were ever the King felt was not being ruled well enough. They were considered a bad omen to most.
"GET OUT OF HERE ! Get out of here you filthy little swine! You bring mud germs, and disgust into my palace, I should have you hanged! Arguse get him out of here, I don't care how, just get this pig out of here, NOW!!!" She screamed at the top of her lungs.
She stomped up to her room, her maids scurrying after her like a group of pidgins. Arguse took the boy to the front door and gave him a bit of money as a token of apology.
Arguse gave the bot a letter to send and almost instantaneously the boy looked at Arguse, knowing who it was for. He knew he should resist the temptation to start asking how Arguse knew the person who the envelope was addressed to, but the second he opened his mouth Arguse shushed him.
"Little words can be heard by ears of rats and mice," he said looking over his shoulder.
"She will get what is coming to her, a certain person will take care of that," the messenger thought menacingly to himself"she will get whats coming to her!"
And then the soldiers were there.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Intriguing beginning, lulu. You definitely sucked me in. Your description is pretty good here and your pace seems to be going well. There are just a few things I would like to suggest working on.
Tense: You switch present and past tense sometimes, so watch out. Example:
First, spacing. Standard YWS spacing for stories is an extra line between each paragraph.
I know it's probably just an accident, but be careful.
This is a very important bit about your character, yes, but it is better to take your time and portray this through your character's actions and other's reactions than tell us now. You see, the problem with telling is that it doesn't give the reader anything to back up what you are saying, and honestly, the reader doesn't want to be told everything about your character so soon. They want to gain their own impression of your character, emotionally invest themselves, and then start learning. This learning process through showing involves the reader more than telling.
Think about how much more powerful it would be if you showed the people knowing that is how she felt. You could have murmurs among the people, talking about her. Then you could describe your character's reaction - can you imagine how much more that would reveal about your character?
So, basically, take your time. Don't be in a rush to plunge straight into action. Give us a little time and show us your character, and then we will know her well enough to be emotionally invested when the actions does strike.
All in all, this is a good start. You have a lot of potential, and I look forward to reading more of your work. Nicely done and keep writing; PM me if you need anything.