Intriguing beginning, lulu. You definitely sucked me in. Your description is pretty good here and your pace seems to be going well. There are just a few things I would like to suggest working on.
First, spacing. Standard YWS spacing for stories is an extra line between each paragraph.
Tense: You switch present and past tense sometimes, so watch out. Example:
They were on there knees, bowing to her, as they should be. Then the rain came down.
A silk umbrella was put above her head, and her men carry her back to her palace steps on one of her many golden thrones.
I know it's probably just an accident, but be careful.
Show and Tell. You've probably heard this many times before, but it is often better to show the reader things about your character and setting rather than tell them. Telling can be appropriate at times, but I felt you used too much here. Some examples:
As power full as she acted, she truly was insecure, her need to seem perfect to keep control was becoming far to excessive.
This is a very important bit about your character, yes, but it is better to take your time and portray this through your character's actions and other's reactions than tell us now. You see, the problem with telling is that it doesn't give the reader anything to back up what you are saying, and honestly, the reader doesn't want to be told everything about your character so soon. They want to gain their own impression of your character, emotionally invest themselves, and then start learning. This learning process through showing involves the reader more than telling.
"Pitiful little things they are, they live in grub, mud, and pig pens for homes." She thought to her self, for she had no need to say it out loud, every one knew that's how she felt.
Think about how much more powerful it would be if you showed the people knowing that is how she felt. You could have murmurs among the people, talking about her. Then you could describe your character's reaction - can you imagine how much more that would reveal about your character?
So, basically, take your time. Don't be in a rush to plunge straight into action. Give us a little time and show us your character, and then we will know her well enough to be emotionally invested when the actions does strike.
All in all, this is a good start. You have a lot of potential, and I look forward to reading more of your work. Nicely done and keep writing; PM me if you need anything.
Points: 13816
Reviews: 563
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