Young Writers Society

Yeah, that's pretty cool, I just don't like it how you put the "I love the way you hug me daily" That just ruins the hate theme, I say take it out, but that's just me... I don't usually review poetry... so don't have to take my advice into consideration. It was okay! ^.^

Its a nice poem yes.

A little weird, and a bit confusing untill you read it over and over in your head trying to figure it out...

But because I don't like being mean much, I will say that I don't think it really matters, so long as you got your feelings out on it!

So what if there's grammatical errors?

So what if there's weird sentences that just don't make sense, sometimes, when your heart broken, you write because you understand it.

Then post it to see if anyone else does!

Haha, Anyway!

Nice poem, keep em up! ^-^

Kuro Out! <3

lulu_daisy_101 wrote:I hate the way you act around me
I hate the way that you never hold me
What do I like about you?
I hate the way your shirt smells bad

I hate the way your always loud
I hate the way your love is sound
I love the way you hug me daily
I hate the way you don't hold me nightly

The thing that I hate most of all
Is that I don't hate you, not a bit...not at all

From the movie I linked:

"I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit... not even at all."

Even if it's not entirely ripped off, the concept and the structure is the same and I'd find it extremely hard to believe that this writer didn't see the movie just before writing this. Anyhow, even without considering the plagiarism, it's still kind of a silly poem. Some of the word choices are plain weird, they sound like you're trying to force a rhyme but then I noticed that, hey, it didn't even rhyme so it just ends up sounding awkward.

There's grammatical errors. Like "your" instead of "you're".

And the things you hate are really random. "I hate the way your love is sound"? What does that mean? And there's contradicitions. Like how you say you hate that he never holds you and love that he hugs you. Etc.

Just like before, Deep! wow! cHECK OUT SOME OF HER OTHERS ALL PEOPLE! SHE IS GOOD! HOW DO YOU COME UP WITH THIS??!! I love your work! and my aunt got into a book before for writing a poem aboput babies, she was pregnant at the time, but shes awsome!

Hey, Lulu. That was great;gold star!

Depends what kind of mood im in, too what i think about poems. But yours i liked.

I started reading it and thought, yer alot of repetition, not really liking this. Then the ending just lifts the mood and really brings it together. The only line i dont like is this bit;

lulu_daisy_101 wrote:I hate the way you spoon me nightly

Okay, there is too much repitition in this poem. I really don't like it. I would suggest that you change the sentance structure. It makes the poem extremely boring. I mean *Yawns* boring. I won't say delete this, but I do say that you need some major editing. Change the sentance structure. Some of the lines don't make sence. Such as the spoon feeding. The last two lines remind me of The Grinch by Dr, Seuss, for some odd reason. This poem sounds unbearably something an elementary schooler would recite. Also the lines in some of these have some forced rhyming. Poems don't have to rhyme. Maybe if you edit this some, changing the sentance structure around would help immensly, then you could have a poem with some potential on your hands. Sorry if I sounded harsh, but I want to give honest reviews. If you need any help with anything let me know. Anyways, keep writing, and remember that practice makes perfect.
~Alyss

*Ahem* Repetition is... not good. Try something like:

"I hate the way that your eyes shine,
And look right through me to read my mind.
And the smell of your shirt is absolutely horrid,
When you laugh with your dad about something morbid."

Just an example.

The idea's good, just the execution of your thoughts is a little amature. My advice? Nix the rhyming, nix the repetition, and get right down to the root of your emtions. Make the reader feel what you feel. Make the reader want to go crawl under a rock and curl up in a fetal position. Good poetry hits you feelings. This left me empty.

But I commend you on your ending. Very strong. Just take that strength and reapply it to the rest of the poem.

Gosh, I hope that helped. Any questions, just PM me.

OK.... I am sorry if I will make you hate me for saying that your poem sucked! UNTILL I READ THE ENDING. YES....WHEN I READ THE LAST PART OF THE POEM I CHANGED MY MINED AND SAID OUTLOAD "THAT WAS GOOD"

Good Job

Hehe... Icaruss totally linked you to a movie which is based off of Shakespeare. So I suppose this makes you just as great as Shakespeare! And I wouldn't listen to Galerius. He says that to everybody.

So! This poem actually didn't remind me of Shakespeare. At all. It reminded me of one of my favorite poets of all time, Shel Silverstein. And I mean that with no offense. ^^ I realize that you might have read it when you were in elementary school, but if you read it now that you're older, I'll bet you that it still tickles your fancy. Anyway, it reminds me of Shel Silverstein, just because of the repetition and the little twist at the end. ^^

It reminds me of this poem:

Tell me I'm clever,
Tell me I'm kind,
Tell me I'm talented,
Tell me I'm cute,
Tell me I'm sensitive,
Graceful and wise,
Tell me I'm perfect-
But tell me the truth.

So you can see that he uses repetition and that he has a surprise twist on the end. Really cool stuff!

The main difference between your poems is that he likes to keep things short and sweet. Or, if they're not short and sweet, he'll use such wild, vivid language that it immediately throws you in and hooks you. Right now, it looks like you're worried about rhyming and holding the rhythm together. Don't worry about that. ^_^ Poetry is a place where the imagined is possible and anything can happen. Use repetition, sure! But make sure that what you want to say is REALLY what you want to say. For instance, do you really hate how he reads aloud? And if so, why? Explaining these sorts of weird thing will make the poem quirkier and give it a sense of realism. Quirkiness helps wonders! It distinguishes yourself as an individual... and who doesn't like that? Also, don't feel forced into making four line stanzas always. As Shel shows us, you don't have to do this. So you can take away some of what you think are the weaker lines and make it really powerful. Besides, if it's a little shorter, you'll emphasize the ending a bit, and that would be lovely. ^^

So, hopefully this helps! And hopefully, the poem I showed you will give you some inspiration. Anyway, this critique might not make sense, seeing as it's really late, so if you have any questions, which you probably do, feel free to PM me. I don't bite... really. ^^ In fact! If you have any questions whatsoever, any subject, you can always bug me! I'm a moderator, which means that my job is to make you feel safe and happy here on YWS.

Also... WELCOME TO YWS! You survived your first critique by me! I'm one of the harsher critics here because I actually want people to think about what they write and such and I want to see you get better! It's easy to tell you to delete things and discourage you from writing, but that doesn't help you get better. And I want you to get better. <3

Anyway, a big welcome once more. And feel free to bug me for anything you want. ^^

See you around!

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http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0147800/