Young Writers Society

lulu_daisy_101 wrote:In the smmer when I go to bed
The sun still streaming overhead
My bed becomes so small and hot
With sheets and pillow in a knot,
And then I lie and try to see
The things I'd really like to be.

I think I'd be a glossy cat
A little plump, but not to fat.
I'd never touch a bird or mouse
I'm much to busy round the house.

And then a fierce and hungry hound
The king of dogs for miles around;
I'd chase the posrman just for fun
To see how quickly he could run.

Perhaps I'd be a crocodile
Within the marshes of the Nile
And paddle through the river-beds
With dripping mud-caps on my head.

Or maybe next a mountain goat
With shaggy whiskers on my throat,
Leaping streams and jumping roks
In stripey pink and purple socks.

Or else I'd be a polar bear
And on an iceberg make my lair;
I'd keep a shop in Baffin Sound
To sell icebergs by the pound.

And then I'd be a wise old frog
Squatting on a sunken log,
I'd teach the fishes lots of games
And how to read and write their names.

An Indian lion then I'd be
And lounga about on my settee;
I'd feed on nothing but bananas
And spend all day in my pyjamas.

I'd like to be a tall giraffe
Making lots of people laugh,
I'd do a tap dance in the street
with little bells upon my feet.

And then I'd be a foxy fox
Streaking through the hollyhocks,
Horse os hound would ne'er catch me
I'm master of disguise, you see.

I think I'd be a chimpanzee
With musical ability,
I'd play a silver clarinet
Or from a Monkey String Quartet.

And then a snake with scales of gold
Guarding hoards of wealth untold,
No thief would dare to steal a pin-
But friends of mine I would let in.

But then before I really know
Just what I'd be or where I go
My bed becomes so wide and deep
And all my thoughts are fast asleep.

Hey Lulu Shina here and I'm back for more.

In this first line summer has a U. You need to change pillow to pillows so it's plural. The singular form breaks the flow. Lie should be lay. You used the wrong spelling because "lie" is to not tell the truth. This poem is a lot like the other one I reviewed "before I go to bed"?

Remember not to post things twice without a notice in the title!

That's a cute poem! I really enjoyed it. The style reminded me immediately of Shel Silverstein's works. It was very entertaining and the imagery was fun. Perhaps you could fix some grammar errors--but otherwise, nice job--keep up the great work!

Second time lucky! Apologises, I wrote a review for this poem late last night and then my computer shut down before I could post it. Grr. Anyways, less of that. This is a great start. Excellent in fact. Am I right in thinking that this would be for younger readers? In any case, I'd love to read it to my nephews. I think they'd really enjoy it. Let me try and outliine why I think it works so well.

1. Rhyme. Simple and effortless. And you pulled it off really well. Towards the end it even echos that of Robert Frost's work. Brilliant.

2. Imagery- It's funny and its interesting.

3. Theme. So sweet- yet so well done! There's even a deeper meaning to it when you look closer.

I adored the last stanza:

But then before I really know

Just what I'd be or where I go

My bed becomes so wide and deep

And all my thoughts are fast asleep.

A little plump, but not to fat.

And spend all day in my pyjamas.

lulu_daisy_101 wrote:In the summer when I go to bed,
The sun still streaming overhead, - I think this line would be nice in parenthesis!
My bed becomes so small and hot
With sheets and pillow in a knot,
And then I lie and try to see
The things I'd really like to be.

I think I'd be a glossy cat
A little plump, but not too fat.
I'd never touch a bird or mouse
I'm much too busy round the house.

And then a fierce and hungry hound
The king of dogs for miles around;
I'd chase the postman just for fun
To see how quickly he could run. - Especially like this!

Perhaps I'd be a crocodile
Within the marshes of the Nile
And paddle through the river-beds
With dripping mud-caps on my head.

Or maybe next a mountain goat
With shaggy whiskers on my throat,
Leaping streams and jumping rocks
In stripey pink and purple socks. - This too!

Or else I'd be a polar bear
And on an iceberg make my lair;
I'd keep a shop in Baffin Sound
To sell icebergs by the pound. - Nice, really unusual!

And then I'd be a wise old frog
Squatting on a sunken log,
I'd teach the fishes lots of games
And how to read and write their names.

An Indian lion then I'd be
And lounge about on my settee;
I'd feed on nothing but bananas
And spend all day in my pyjamas.

I'd like to be a tall giraffe
Making lots of people laugh,
I'd do a tap dance in the street
with little bells upon my feet.

And then I'd be a foxy fox
Streaking through the hollyhocks,
Horse or hound would ne'er catch me
I'm master of disguise, you see.

I think I'd be a chimpanzee
With musical ability,
I'd play a silver clarinet
Or from a Monkey String Quartet.

And then a snake with scales of gold
Guarding hoards of wealth untold,
No thief would dare to steal a pin-
But friends of mine I would let in.

But then before I really know
Just what I'd be or where I go,
My bed becomes so wide and deep
And all my thoughts are fast asleep.

I'm really impressed.
This must be one of the most charming poems I've ever read.

Your rhyme is simple, never forced and flows very nicely. The topic is absolutely sweet and you handle it very well.
I like the first and the last stanza because you introduce and end the idea of the poem nicely and I'd pick the best "animal"-stanza, but they are just all so well done...

"Or maybe next a mountain goat
With shaggy whiskers on my throat,
Leaping streams and jumping roks
In stripey pink and purple socks"

That one might actually be my favourite ("Rocks" though).
Your images are just so adorable; something to read to your kids (in a good way).

I really don't have much more to say about this without sounding silly I'm just absolutely charmed and it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to read that poem. I always try to give a positive and a negative point in a review but I just can't think of anything that is not right here, except a few silly type-O's.

Very well done!!