Before I Go To Bed

lulu_daisy_101 wrote:In the summer when I go to bed

The sun still streaming overhead

My bed becomes so small and hot

With sheets and pillow in a knot,

And then I lie and try to see

The things I'd really like to be.



I think I'd be a glossy cat

A little plump, but not to fat.

I'd never touch a bird or mouse

I'm much to busy round the house.



And then a fierce and hungry hound

The king of dogs for miles around;

I'd chase the postman just for fun

To see how quickly he could run.



Perhaps I'd be a crocodile

Within the marshes of the Nile

And paddle through the river-beds

With dripping mud-caps on my head.



Or maybe next a mountain goat

With shaggy whiskers on my throat,

Leaping streams and jumping rocks

In stripey pink and purple socks.



Or else I'd be a polar bear

And on an iceberg make my lair;

I'd keep a shop in Baffin Sound

To sell icebergs by the pound.



And then I'd be a wise old frog

Squatting on a sunken log,

I'd teach the fishes lots of games

And how to read and write their names.



An Indian lion then I'd be

And lounge about on my settee;

I'd feed on nothing but bananas

And spend all day in my pyjamas.



I'd like to be a tall giraffe

Making lots of people laugh,

I'd do a tap dance in the street

with little bells upon my feet.



And then I'd be a foxy fox

Streaking through the hollyhocks,

Horse or hound would ne'er catch me

I'm master of disguise, you see.



I think I'd be a chimpanzee

With musical ability,

I'd play a silver clarinet

Or from a Monkey String Quartet.



And then a snake with scales of gold

Guarding hoards of wealth untold,

No thief would dare to steal a pin-

But friends of mine I would let in.



But then before I really know

Just what I'd be or where I go

My bed becomes so wide and deep

And all my thoughts are fast asleep.

Hi Lulu ^^ Shina here I'll be your reviewer today.

This is a cute poem ^^ I like it. It is a bit long as everyone else has said, but it may be partially because of all the extra spaces between the lines. Just take those out and I think it would not only be easier to read, but the flow would be better too. Also you don't need to capitalize the first letter of each line You only capitalize if it's the beginning of a sentence or if it's "I" or anything like that.

This poem was definitely not what I expected; it was better. I read the title and thought it would be something okay, decent maybe. It was actually like a gateway to imagination. It has a childish touch to it, which I like ^^ As one of the younger members of YWS, I like keeping the colored vision of life. Keep that view on the world. Shine light on other people, Lulu!

Keep writing ^^ If you have any comments, questions, or concerns, PM me!

~Shina

P. S. Gold star! I liked it!

I like! I like!
Omg I wanna draw pics for this! Maybe I should... one day...

i think this is absolutely adorable! i would love to see this in a childrens book with a cute picture above it. =]

Haha ^^!

Uhm. Well, I agree with the first comment;

It was a bit long, kinda.

But i really like this, its cute and made me smile while reading ^^

Great job ^-^

You know what this reminded me of? Nursery rhymes mom would read to me before bed and I would later memorize. And I think that's great. It's really cute and child-like, which I hope is what you were aiming for, cause It's really great like that. The rhythm was spot on, just like a nursery rhyme. I agree, this fits right in a children's book with illustrations. Keep writing, you're on the right track!

I really enjoyed this--i kept thinking of how cute illustrations would be for it. I think the rhythm and rhyme fit the subject well--seemed sort of dreamy and playful. Great job!

This was a very nice poem, reminded me of dreams I had as a child, which I suppose may have been the point lol.

I love your usage of vocabulary and rhyme scheme for the flow of the poem, and might I add you didn't use any words repeatedly. I sometimes have that problem now and again =)

But keep it up. As a novice you have true potential to become an amazing writer ^^

This is really good. I didn't stop once in reading it, even with the length. Nice flow, good usage and choice of words.

"In stripey pink"

Loved that. Nice inventiveness

I enjoyed this a lot.

Great poem!

Hey! I reviewed the earlier version of this but now I've read this again, I have a few more suggestions (in bold). Punctuation/typo changes are also in bold, but I probably won't comment on them:

In the summer when I go to bed,
The sun still streaming overhead, - Commas at the end of these two lines.
My bed becomes so small and hot,
My sheets and pillow in a knot. - Full stop.

And then I lie and try to see
The things I'd really like to be.

I think I'd be a glossy cat
A little plump, but not too fat.
I'd never touch a bird or mouse;
I'm much too busy round the house.

And then a fierce and hungry hound,
The king of dogs for miles around.
I'd chase the postman just for fun,
To see how quickly he could run.

Perhaps I'd be a crocodile
Within the marshes of the Nile,
And paddle through the river-bed[s]s[/s]
With dripping mud-caps on my head.

[s]Or[/s] Maybe next a mountain goat
With shaggy whiskers on my throat,
Leaping streams and jumping rocks
In stripey pink and purple socks.

Or else I'd be a polar bear
And, on an iceberg, make my lair;
I'd keep a shop in Baffin Sound
To sell icebergs by the pound. - Need one extra syllable in this line.

And then I'd be a wise old frog,
Squatting on a sunken log.
I'd teach the [s]fishes[/s] tadpoles? lots of games
And how to read and write their names.

An Indian lion then I'd be
And lounge about on my settee;
I'd feed on nothing but bananas
And spend all day in my pyjamas.

I'd like to be a tall giraffe,
Making lots of people laugh.
I'd do a tap dance in the street
With little bells upon my feet.

And then I'd be a foxy fox,
Streaking through the hollyhocks.
Horse or hound [s]would ne'er[/s] could not catch me -
I'm master of disguise, you see.

I think I'd be a chimpanzee
With musical ability.
I'd play a silver clarinet
Or [s]from[/s] form a Monkey String Quartet.

And then a snake with scales of gold,
Guarding hoards of wealth untold. - I made the same punctuation change again.
No thief would dare to steal a pin,
But friends of mine I would let in.

But then, before I really know
Just what I'd be or where I go,
My bed becomes so wide and deep
[s]And[/s] That all my thoughts are fast asleep.

Oh how cute! I really enjoyed it even though it was a little long for my taste, but any who it was well written. You did a great job.