The rain drizzled lazily against the windows, sweeping down en masse from the great grey expanse above. Petrichor oozed in through every chink and crack on the bus.
Children chattered noisily on the backseat and the hushed whispers of commuters could be heard faintly through the thick panes of glass.
A behemoth-sized truck turned the corner towards us, rumbling, swerving, skidding.
Then... Silence.
Confusion.
Chaos.
A rich, metallic taste coated my lips like paint. My hands were soaked in it, crimson red and groping at the ground, like a child yearning for their comfort blanket. Little rivulets of blood were travelling pilgrim said on their way to stain a holy land, and infected the drainage grates with their vibrancy.
Glass was shattered across the concrete, as if God had rained down diamonds from on high like some cruel mana.
Beautiful but deadly.
In the far distance, someone screamed. It was a harpy’s screech, raw, violent. Pained and desperate.
I tried to move my hand, to search for the person needing help, but I couldn’t. I was paralysed with shock. With fear and pain.
Up above, a murder of crows wheeled about already; hungry for their next meal. Ready to tear apart flesh, ravage and mutilate with Lucifer’s talons. But perhaps we could be Eutychus at the window. There becomes a point where no matter how hard one wishes for Death, they will never feel it’s sickly-sweet and poisonous embrace- we could still be rescued, returned and reinvigorated.
For a moment, I thought I could see Death. A gorgeous woman with porcelain skin and wells for eyes. Deep red hair like fire and an archangel’s robe. And you begin to think: maybe Death isn’t so bad after all.
But sirens wailed nearby- an infant’s cry of fear, I think. They dragged me out of that ethereal fantasy and back into the nightmare before me.
I felt a firm hand grip mine, and a sudden weight heaved off my chest. I was dragged out of the debris, by the ankles.
For the first time in what seemed an eternity, I saw the Sun. Shy and timid, only a few rays at first, but present. Real. Tangible.
I suppose in an emergency, bedside manner goes out of the window. A woman hauled me onto a stretcher and pushed me to a waiting ambulance. Still, the crows wheeled overhead, looking for carrion. Not today, I thought.
I saw Peter at the gates of heaven, waiting to welcome me. He faded into obscurity.
“Come on,” said the paramedic,”let’s get you out of the rain, my love.”
A little fall of rain could hardly hurt me now.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hi there! I'm a fan of short stories, and I also saw this title and it drew me in
Also, I'm doing this instead of writing my essay, haha. I realize you already have 3 reviews, but hopefully this review may bring a new perspective to the table!
Alright, so first things first: I'm not religious and I'm fairly certain there might be a deeper meaning to this within religion, but I'm going to leave that aside for now because I really don't know what to say about it. Instead, I'll provide my interpretation of this because I thought it was very metaphor and symbol heavy.
So. The rain. I interpreted the rain as something negative. At first, we see the rain described in a very interesting way. It felt a bit contradicting (not sure if that was your intent) - lazy drizzling/pouring down en masse and petrichor/oozing. Not sure how I felt about "oozed" used as a verb for petrichor, but maybe the intent was to make it uncomfortable and odd like that. Anyway, the rain. So, the rain, I'm impling, causes this truck to crash into this bus. We're left at the end with the narrator saying the rain could hardly hurt them now. I take this to mean the rain is everything negative in life that tries to harm a person while the sun is more of the hopeful and positive aspect of life.
I love this line. However, it is a bit confusing because everyone will at one point die - so won't they eventually feel its sickly sweet embrace? Besides that, though, this line is really beautiful.
Some of the metaphors in this - like this one - feel a little disconnected from the piece, writing style wise. I feel like it could be a lot stronger if you were to add a "like" right after "ground" to enhance the structure instead of continuing this fragment along.
*now
I think that's really it. I didn't have much constructive criticism to offer, but hopefully this helps anyway. I'd also love to know if there was any personal significance behind the creation of this (if you're willing to share, of course!). Lovely piece!!
~ EternalRain
Thank you! and no, there was no personal significance, this is just what fit the brief of the assignment my teacher gave ahah
Hello lukekazey!
This is a wonderful piece! But really sad though...
It must have been really scary for the person talking.
I just have ONE thing to say. In the starting sentences it said "The rain drizzled lazily against the windows, sweeping down en masses from the great grey expanse above." I think you may have had a typo or something, but is "en" supposed to be "in"?
Overall, your story was a master piece!
Keep up the great work!
~Liberty500
Ah, thanks for highlighting that. It%u2019s supposed to be %u201Cen masse,%u201D so I%u2019ll go revise that. Thanks!
Anytime!
Beautifully written piece. The title prepares the reader for a sadder piece, before suddenly disaster strikes. The only question I can think of is concerning the choice of metaphors. Comparing the scream to a harpy's screech makes it seem more sinister than it probably was, and comparing the blood to a pilgrim's march makes it seem more benign. Overall, however, I could really tell what parts were meant to be heart wrenching, and what parts were built to create a sense of frailty or wonder.
Beautifully written piece. The title prepares the reader for a sadder piece, before suddenly disaster strikes. The only question I can think of is concerning the choice of metaphors. Comparing the scream to a harpy's screech makes it seem more sinister than it probably was, and comparing the blood to a pilgrim's march makes it seem more benign. Overall, however, I could really tell what parts were meant to be heart wrenching, and what parts were built to create a sense of frailty or wonder.
Hello!
Very interesting! I think that this story is actually really, really good! I do think that it could use a little more content in the first part, a little more of what led up to the accident. Also, I would elaborate more on the feelings of the character and maybe put in a little interaction with other humans. Now that I read this, I'm afraid I've kind of torn apart what I said in my first sentence, and I'm sorry, I do like this story though.
I enjoyed it. I found it intriguing. Though, I found the part where they crashed a little confusing, maybe it's just me. I found it good, over all, though.