Young Writers Society

Being a recreational drug user and experimenter of consciousness, the description is what caught my attention here. It's a noble statement and account of substance use; Getting high, being high, coming down from the high and the resulting questions of the high. Your poem walks the reader through this trajectory. Take, for example, the first stanza;

"I smell the flames as they flicker about
Reaching boldly for the sky.
I hear the colors of the flames
Blue, orange, red and green.
It is strange to sense these things
But feel no pain."

This is the "getting high." Wow! That flame smells strange! Wait, I can smell flames? This is weird. I don't feel anything. "No pain!"

Then, the second stanza;

"Why are my blinds pulled crooked
Are eyes peeping through?
Is someone or something out there?
Are they coming for me?
Is there anything that is real?
I'm not deaf or blind,
But I see and feel no pain."

This is the "Being high" phase. What's real right now? What's even happening? I don't trust my senses anymore. This lack of pain is ironically unsettling.

Followed by the third stanza;

"SCREEEEEEECH !!!! My mind screams
As it turns inside out
To reveal a tortured soul
Trying to escape from an evil world.
As it closes again and I sink down,
Down back to the abyss."

This is the "comedown" phase. The drug reveals you to yourself. It begins to wear off, and you know that you'll never be able to undo it. It takes you back to the "abyss" of sobriety.

And, finally, the fourth stanza;

"Am I losing my mind
Or have I truly found it?
What is real and what is not
As it has no meaning.
Are substances really the answer to my pain?"

This is the "questions" phase. Was that real? Will I ever be the same person again? Is this substance a solution, or means to an end? Is the lack of pain evidence of the nonexistence of pain?

In my opinion, people who abuse drugs make the people who use drugs look bad.

If you can ingest a foreign substance, assume full responsibility for it and be okay once the high wears off, then more power to you.

With an abuser, however, the drugs are rarely the illness. They're merely a symptom to a larger problem, such as depression, anxiety, self-loathing, etc.

If this is a personal account of your experiences, I'd recommend abstaining from drugs. They'll eat you up if you're not properly predisposed. If you're sad, they'll make you sadder. If you're glad, they'll make you gladder. Simple as that.

Don't let them win.

Hello! Roxy here!

I'm loving the poem!!

One or two things though tomake it even better! ^^
"Blue, orange, red and green." I like the listing of colours, but ithink it would have more impact if it was phrased like;
"Blue *and* orange, red and green." Just to me anyway,that has more of a punch!

You do need some punctuation though, for example if you want to keep
"Why are my blinds pulled crooked
Are eyes peeping through?" as one question you'll need to put a comma in between "crooked" and "Are". But I think that you know need some more punctuation from previous comments, so I'll leve it there! ^^

I also think it would be nice if you had questions scattered through the poem and not just contained mainly in one verse

"SCREEEEEEECH !!!!" I think this would be better in itallics or perhapse in capital letters and itallic?

Over all I like your turn of phrase and the imagry, I think once you fix a few things it will be even better!

PM me with any Qs!

--Roxy

AMAZING!

I don't actually know what to say about it.
Mistakes, I think.
It's detailed, so awsome.
It's been thought about carefully, and it's been scripted well.
But, yeah, there are spelling mistakes, like the person below me has said.

Keep wrting though!!!

Spelling errors would be the first problem. But other than that the poem was really good. I really liked the part where you said

"SCHEEEEEEECH !!!! My mind screams
As it turns inside out
To reveal a tortured soul
Trying to escape from an evil world.
As it cloes again and I sink down,
Down back to the abyss"

I thought that was great. My only problem with this piece besides the spelling is the last line. I feel like it is too cliche. Try to stay away from the word "drugs" in general. Go for something more symbolic and mysterious. Have a good night!

Hey Luis! Dogs here with your review for the day . Ok so it looks like you have a good poem here, there is lots of good description, I think you use questions in this poem well, maybe a few too many questions but for the most part many of them are well placed and work well with the overall theme. Now to start off here lets go over the grammar.

So I found this really hard to read just because there are soooo many spelling and grammatical errors. A few misspelled words isn't bad but when it gets to be too much it makes the piece a struggle to actually read. so in the third line of the 1st stanza you say:

"I hear the colors ofthe flames/Blue, orange, red, nd green."

So obviously here just a space in between "of" and "the" and I assume "nd" really is "and."

first line second stanza you say: "Croked," it really should be "crooked." 5th line second stanza you say: "tat" it should be "that." YWS does indeed have a spell check on here so it should correct those and you should take a look at them. Although simple mistakes do happen so to avoid this from happening again I suggest that you write this in a word document, check the spelling errors and grammatical errors and than copy and paste it back into here. It'll make life a lot easier.

Well no that we've gotten that taken care of you seem to fall into the trap that a lot of writers hit. I'm guessing here that your strongest suit is more of a short story or novelist type and style of writing. It's a different style and sometimes can be harder to work into with poetry where the poem actually tells a story. For the most part you've done this marvelously, it's like you've taken a short story and condensed it into a poem, which is a very difficult task. However you do hit a few snags where the poem becomes a bit of and than this happened, and than this, and than... and than... that is my biggest challenge I face in writing, making smooth transitions between trains of thoughts. I especially noticed when you say "SCHEEEEEEEECH" Which I think you actually mean "SSCCCRRREEEECCCHHHH." Anywho that is the sudden change in subject that makes this poem a tad bit choppy. Another small thing I found was that you run into a lot of telling instead of showing. Work in more metaphors and similes I'd suggest. Describe the "evil world" what does it look like? Is it dark? Is it cold? Describe how the character feels while under the influence of drugs, you briefly touch on it but describe how he feels numb, how he dosn't feel anything. Go farther into depth on that topic.

Really the thing I wanna see most is things more centered around colors, I think that would make a fantastic twist to this. What different colors does he or she see when they are high? How do they make him or her feel? And what colors does he or she see when they are pulled back into reality. That contrast will put a fantastic twist on this great poem

So far this looks great! I really enjoyed it and with a few minor touchups this can be a top notch poem If you need anything send me a p.m and I'm always willing to help you with anything further or re read other drafts that you've made. Keep up the good work!

TuckEr EllsworTh

This is really good. There were a few spelling errors, but other than that, I think you did a wonderful job