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Young Writers Society



The Sisters

by lueandandy1


The Sisters

Helena stared into the crystal clear, aqua colored blanket below her and stiffened. There were girls behind her,s creaming at her.

"I'm not doing it," she claimed and turned towards her fellow sisters.

"Oh yes you are," one of the girls, Marina, said. And, ultimately, Helena did feel really as though she were obligated to jump. But, Helena immediately toughened up. She felt defiant.

"No, I'm not," Helena finally managed. "Really, is this what you do to all of your pledgers?" Helena crossed her arms and looked at the ocean gaain, this time trying to be the optimist she knew she could be.

"No questions. We shall put you through other, more vigorous means of training for you," Marina said, and crossed her arms. This meant she was staking her territory around Helena.

Helena's eyes grew wider, and her feet gradually were becoming more attractive. "I don't trust you. There's something down there." Helena's feet were the only thing she saw ans the wors spilled out of her mouth.

"Why, we haven't a clue as to what you're talking about," another sister, Julia, countered with a sneer.

"If you don't want to do this, just put up with the other training, and then maybe we'll think about letting you in," Marina's eyes mingled with Helena's, seeming to begin a battle that would last a century.

"So, next Thursday, at our dorm, in the lounge. Midnight. Be there," Julia's defiant, skinny finger poked its shiny green end at Helena. Helena nodded shakily and walked away with the sisters.

Before she knew it (or would like to have believed), Thursday came, and yet, Helena debated attending the sorority meetin that loomed over her for the past week.

"I'm not going," Helena nodded and paced in front of her roommates, Quinn and Tracey. She knew that they wanted no part of her sorority talk, but she continued. "Or should I go?" she contradicted herself.

"Listen, if you don't believe in what they're doing, don't go, girl!" Quinn exclaimed. She looked up from her magzine with glaring eyes.

"Seriously. Don't go! You know what I heard? That the girls who did go into the water to find those token things were pushed in, and then the sisters leave them."

Helena knew very well that after about ten minutes of waiting (this sorority waited up for no one), they would just move on to the traditional ocean ceremony.

"Hmm. I think I'll go to the ceremony that they're going to have tonight when I don't show up," Helena said.

"How/ They're going to notice you," Tracey questioned.

"Hide. I'll hide," Helena felt brave all of a sudden.

So, at midnight, or 12:10, rather, Helena crept down to the forest beyond the beach, close enough so she could see, far enough away so that the sisters would not notice.

And there was one of her closest friends, Tina, standing on the water's edge, blindfolded with a cloth. 'New edition,' Helena thought about the blindfold.

As was expected, Marina pushed Tina into the unwelcoming water below her. After watchign Tina struggle for a few minutes, the girls stalked off.

Helena, almost scared by her own bravery, went into the abandoned ocean, and could not see or hear Tina.

She delved deep into the dark waters, and then Helena felt around. She heard a smal cracking sound, a holow cracking. Almost like two bones crashing together.

Helena tried to scream, but she couldn't. The water masked the noise of desperate help. She wandered back to her dormitory, and founda yearbook. She flipped open to the "Sororities" page.

Each haunting face stared back at her. Tehre were sixteen girls on that page, all of their smiles enraging Helena.

And below their pictures was a caption. 'We will forever hold these sixteen girls in our hearts, for they did not complete the journey.'

And Tina! Where was Tina? Helena's thoughts overcrowded her mind, but she figured that Tina was gone, and began to weep indfeinitely.

Her sisters tricked her. She hadn't fell for it, but Tina did. And she, reader, was gone. And forever, those sister's traditions would carry on.


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Sun Sep 20, 2020 6:29 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well this is a truly chilling premise that you've created here. As a stand alone story it almost reminds me of some sort of urban horror myth in the way that it is written especially the ending. And I have to say that it is just really well executed here. I can feel the emotions of our main character and really get a sense of how these horrific deeds are carried out.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Helena stared into the crystal clear, aqua colored blanket below her and stiffened. There were girls behind her,s creaming at her.


Well that's a pretty neat way to start things off there. Definitely gets across a pretty interesting premise and lets you know what's going on too. I love how its really short and just immediately snaps you up into the action.

"Oh yes you are," one of the girls, Marina, said. And, ultimately, Helena did feel really as though she were obligated to jump. But, Helena immediately toughened up. She felt defiant.


I feel like she was already defiant through her actions by this point so you don't really need to tell that to us in order to reinforce it because then it becomes just random narrating and that's not good.

"No, I'm not," Helena finally managed. "Really, is this what you do to all of your pledgers?" Helena crossed her arms and looked at the ocean gaain, this time trying to be the optimist she knew she could be.


Looks like we have ourselves a little typo there. It should be again I believe.

"No questions. We shall put you through other, more vigorous means of training for you," Marina said, and crossed her arms. This meant she was staking her territory around Helena.


Okay I didn't quite get what that last line meant there but I assume maybe it is something significant that's explained later.

Helena's eyes grew wider, and her feet gradually were becoming more attractive. "I don't trust you. There's something down there." Helena's feet were the only thing she saw ans the wors spilled out of her mouth.


Okay well Helena is definitely being very smart here by not trusting whoever is telling her to jump. I think you do a fairly good job so far showing her confusion and suspicion.

"So, next Thursday, at our dorm, in the lounge. Midnight. Be there," Julia's defiant, skinny finger poked its shiny green end at Helena. Helena nodded shakily and walked away with the sisters.


Okay shiny green is giving all sorts of crazy images at the moment.

"I'm not going," Helena nodded and paced in front of her roommates, Quinn and Tracey. She knew that they wanted no part of her sorority talk, but she continued. "Or should I go?" she contradicted herself.


Well you'd think she'd have learned something after the last experience. I suppose she really really wants to be a part of it if she's still being indecisive about it.

"Seriously. Don't go! You know what I heard? That the girls who did go into the water to find those token things were pushed in, and then the sisters leave them."

Helena knew very well that after about ten minutes of waiting (this sorority waited up for no one), they would just move on to the traditional ocean ceremony.


Well this is starting to sound like straight up murder at this point which is very concerning. How has this not being reported to the authorities at this point?

So, at midnight, or 12:10, rather, Helena crept down to the forest beyond the beach, close enough so she could see, far enough away so that the sisters would not notice.


Hmm...going at 11:50 would have been the better option. Usually you don't go late to spy on something. You want to be there early so that everything that is going on.

And there was one of her closest friends, Tina, standing on the water's edge, blindfolded with a cloth. 'New edition,' Helena thought about the blindfold.


I think you meant addition there.

As was expected, Marina pushed Tina into the unwelcoming water below her. After watchign Tina struggle for a few minutes, the girls stalked off.


Yup pretty sure that is essentially murder.

She delved deep into the dark waters, and then Helena felt around. She heard a smal cracking sound, a holow cracking. Almost like two bones crashing together.


Well yup rest in peace Tina.

Each haunting face stared back at her. Tehre were sixteen girls on that page, all of their smiles enraging Helena.

And below their pictures was a caption. 'We will forever hold these sixteen girls in our hearts, for they did not complete the journey.'


Oh dear that is a truly terrifying possibility.

Her sisters tricked her. She hadn't fell for it, but Tina did. And she, reader, was gone. And forever, those sister's traditions would carry on.


Wow that is a really chilling ending there. Sounds like a really nice classic horror story right there.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this reads like a pretty exciting little short story and I really liked the way that you brought this whole thing to life especially with that photo at the end which I think is a really nice little touch. And for the small plot that it had you've done a great job of creating a pretty cohesive piece here that feels like it has a lot of history behind it.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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"You know, sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of just embarrassing bravery. And I promise you, something great will come of it."
— We Bought A Zoo