Young Writers Society

Woah, this is short, but a lot to unpack. First, I would like to remark on the rhythm it has to it - it's almost like a limerick, or a stanza in a Simon and Garfunkel song. I thought that was super well done.

When it comes to the content of the poem, I was initially a little confused. It's called "The Last Train" but there was no mention of a train at all until the very end. Is "galloping in the orchard" meant to compare the galloping of a horse to the fierce, mechanical movements of a train, or am I just completely missing the point? (This isn't a criticism, but just a question I have in general.

These two next lines were extremely interesting:

"Every seed meant fruits,

I picked flowers that belonged to none."

I found this to be vastly interesting, and almost endless. Is this meant to seem that fruits are ever growing and ever changing and can't be erased, as opposed to flowers because when you pick them, they sort of die? I'm probably going to be thinking about these two lines for quite a while.

Additionally, I also like the dichotomy between the stanza I just talked about and the last one. It flips the script from being exclusively about the endlessness and subsequent death of nature to the static, flat nature of technology and how it draws away from the simplicity of nature, or is it simply what the narrator is seeing as they wait for the train?


I honestly have so much else to say about this, but honestly, I don't want to torture you any more with my ramblings, so I'll end it like this;

This piece was sparkling, stunning, and absolutely knocked my socks off. Please keep writing. <3

-wren

Hi there Lubna! Welcome to the site! Lim here with a review.

First Impressions
Reading this poem leaves behind a feeling of melancholy for me. The first stanza feels more joyous and idyllic, with this sense of freedom. While the second stanza doesn’t obviously change the peaceful atmosphere, the imagery makes it feel quite a bit more muted and perhaps ominous. It feels almost like two scenes cut from a movie, at very different points in the main character’s life.

Subject, Themes, Interpretation
I usually find short imagery-focused poems like this one to have a bit of mystery / non-narrativeness about them (which I do enjoy!). Though the ‘story’ of what’s going on here seems very open to interpretation, my thought at least was that the theme seems to be freedom vs confinement. The speaker in the first stanza is in a state of freedom which is described using nature imagery and how they’re “galloping”, whereas in the second stanza they seem to be more restricted or kept in one place, since it’s implied that they’re just waiting around at the train station. The poem also seems to contrast abundance in the first stanza with lack in the second, where the flowers and fruits never seem to run out, but the speaker has to seek the “last” train, which implies there’s a limited supply.

Imagery
I like how you’ve used contrasting imagery to show the speaker’s mood. The contrast between “under the bright sun” and “the sound of rain” for instance is a nicely subtle way to show that the mood has now shifted to something sadder and more sombre.
I also really like how you’ve matched the different images in each stanza in an organic way to create a scene. Reading the first stanza, I can imagine this person having a romp in this countryside place, which I think is thanks to how much images like “orchard”, “bright sun”, “fruits” and “flowers” fit together. The second stanza also conjures up the image of someone writing at a train station while waiting for transport. The image “unlit eyes” and the description of radio static being present also makes me think they’re waiting alone, and it’s cool how those words manage to evoke such a detailed image in a short piece like this.

Structure
In terms of structure, I liked the rhymes you included with sun/none and rain/train. In the second stanza, the phrase “my unlit eyes”, while a nice image, does come across as being a bit heavy as it’s a long phrase to start of an already long line (for comparison your other line-starters are usually one-word: galloping, under, I, static, ink).
I think using two stanzas which have the same number of lines each and similar line lengths was a good choice though, as it helps bring focus to the contrasting imagery.

Overall
This poem definitely stirs the imagination and seems richer upon a second/ third read, which is a good sign. It’s a great execution of a simple and tidy concept.

Hope some of this helps, and feel free to ask for more feedback!
-Lim