Published May 28, 2010
Every vessel in my being hates you;
the love you claim to have for me is a front.
I know the animosity you have for me its true;
but vengeance from me is not what you want.
I pack a heavy chip on my shoulder;
and I have a mean streak going up my back,
year by year my heart grows colder, and there's no coming back from that.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey there! Welcome to YWS!
I liked this poem. It's short, but the message is clear.
Nitpicks:
I don't know if it's just me, but 'in my being' doesn't really fit the line. Replace it with 'inside me' or a synonymous phrase, perhaps?
It's supposed to be 'is true' or 'you have for me, is true.'
Also, the semicolons starting from the third line should be replaced by commas.
Other than that, it was well written. I'd like to see more of your work.
Keep writing!
Good poem. Worded well and easy to follow. Good Work!!!
This is very interesting. I like how there's a subtle slant rhyme going on: "you, true;" "front, want;" "colder, shoulder;" "that, back." Did you mean to split the last line in half? That would make the rhyme more sensible. Also, I'm a little confused as to this part:
Did you mean to put "is true," or "you have for me, its true?"
But overall, your poem is quite powerful, especially the two lines toward the end:
That's a nice way of expressing those emotions. Very original. Good job!
Hello! So I am here to comment.
It's simple; nice and short. I can't find too many mistakes, though. But I think you can try dividing your poem into two lines. It would be better.
Keep it up!
-darkangel_05