This world is on fire
Slowly running out of life
Where success is dire
for me there is no light
However hot, however cold
my being with you
is worth more than gold
and there is nothing i would rather do
than watch this world burn with you
But whenever you go
my heart again turns to stone
I hate to have to let you go
for when you go you take my soul
~Logan
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Your first stanza was quite nice. It flowed and rhymed rather well. Your second stanza, on the other hand... Everything fell apart there -- the flow, the rhythm, the rhyme. As a reader, I'm honestly left wondering where they went. As a reviewer, and honestly left wondering if it's possible to fix it.
The third stanza isn't in much better shape. You use the same word to rhyme itself, and then you use a vowel-rhyme (assonance) rather than the straight rhyme everywhere else in the poem. It's quite inconsistent. And confusing.
I would suggest completely restructuring the second stanza so that the lines are more consistent in length. Rhyme relies on rhythm, and one way to get a good rhythm is to make sure the lines follow a pattern of a set number of syllables in each line.
For instance:
The numbers at the end of each line are the syllable counts. See how very different they are? There's no pattern to them, and so the attempted rhymes just fall apart completely.
Try and see if you can rephrase and restructure things so that the line lengths are more consistent. If you can do that, the rhyme will follow naturally.
Yeah i was going to edit it after i posted
I thought it had a great rythm in the first stanza which you kind of lost in the second two. My favorite part would probably be the first stanza or the second stanza's first line, though I think it would have a better flow if you took silver out and just had it "is worth more than gold", but that's just my opinion, and if you did that you'd have to do some reworking with the last stanza, which you might have to do anyways since it feels kind of wordy around the second and third lines (mostly the second.) The first stanza is really interesting and defintely intriguing which I know is hard with poems, so good job with that. Hope this helps!