Published April 19, 2013
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140,854 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Some of the best advice I ever got was that egregious use of the words 'you' and 'I' turn any poem into a rant. Look at your poem. Take out every use of those words. What are you left with? Is is of any substance? I think you'll find, in this case, that the answer is no.
My advice: Take the idea you had in your mind when you wrote this poem, which seems to be a very dramatic sort of push and pull relationship that disintegrates, and rewrite it. This time, challenge yourself to not use 'you' or 'I' more than once or twice each. Even better, try writing this in the third person so you cannot use them at all. I think you'll see your work improve exponentially.
Keep writing!
-Tori
This was actually really old!! I wrote this when I was thirteen and, looking back now, I totally agree with what you said. Thanks so much for the tips!!
first of all I loved the poem I related to it well.my only problem was that there was not punctuation. Therefore it was a bit confusing to read. But I stilled love it.
Short and simple...just like the way i like it.
Ok, it was really nice...a little too "teary" for me but all in all, it was good. Am giving you a lot of credit because though it was short, it made me kinda...smile in a way.
Good work
Awww! I wasn't really quite sure how I wanted the effect to be to the reader from the poem but I guess I wanted it to be like you described teary but I guess happy. THX
This poem is short but it says a lot. It made me think of my past love and my past experiences. You did a really good job. I don't know it it was from the heart or if this poem just came to you but i could relate to this a lot. I love your poem it was very interesting I just wish it told more and that you would have expressed your thoughts a little more. Other then that it was great.
Thanks! It really means a lot to me. My friend actually was the one who went through this and it just made me really sad that she had lost someone so great.