The Story that is My Life

Thank you so much. I'll definitely take your comments into consideration.

I really can’t decide if I like this or not. I read all four pages without being bored, which I guess is a good thing, but it wan’t that great.

See, all you’re doing is summarizing. You never come closer – you never let us experience the moment. We are constantly reminded that you’re just remincing, which takes all the suspense out of the story. We know who she ends up with – we know what happens to her. Why should we care about this black guy when we know he has no shot?

I suggest starting in the middle of it. I actually really liked the part where Luke was introduced. Go to that moment and focus on it. Use past tense, sure, but pretend you don’t know what’s going to happen to her. Add dialogue. Let us know what the air tastes like. (They’re smoking – is it thick?) Let us know if her chest hurts from her heart beating so fast. You can fast-forward through some scenes – just give us the basic information to let us know they fall in love – and slow way down when something important happens.

All this background information is not necessary. Understand it, and use it, but don’t write it. Maybe she rushes through everything with Luke but he wants to slow down because he wants it to last (I know, unrealistic, but that’s just an example.)

Play around with your speed a lot more. Your on fast-forward this entire time – make sure you slow it down every once in a while.

PM me for anything.

~JFW1415

The idea for this piece has been completely renovated. Thoughts?

I've worked on this part a bit more since I last posted and will continue to write more if people find it interesting.

Anyway, I guess I should try to explain where I'm going with this... I'm attempting to write a novel from the perspective of a 15-? aged girl that will incorporate all of the "big" experiences she has in high school. Keep in mind: she is writing these thoughts and experiences down for herself so she can remember them "when she's sixty or eighty or so." It's a way for her to keep track of her memories, if you will.

This portion is only the beginning and much more will happen throughout the next couple of years. Specifically, more serious instances will occur. You will see her thoughts and feelings mature as well as her writing. You will see her grow up through her writing.

As a side note, the main character is based on me in high school and every experience I've written about so far actually happened. Every character is also based on a real person. I don't know if I will continue this pattern throughout the entire novel but it has worked out so far.

Let me know what you're thinking! Thanks!

New title... perhaps more people will read?

Thank you! Yes, I plan on writing much, much more... one part for each year of high school, except each one will be written a bit differently since the character will get older. & yes, I TOTALLY agree that I should put more emotion into a lot of the parts. This is a very rough draft. I will let you all know when I edit or post more. I appreciate your comments very much!

I like the voice you used here a lot - the story just seems to flow really easily. It really seemed like it was a 14 year old girl - the language and the way the sentences kind of run into each other all the time. Very interesting and insightful - I really liked reading this.

Are you going to write more? I think it'd be good to! This character is good, I'd love to find out more. Also, the ending was quite abrupt for a one-shot.

Hey, lplocek!

I really enjoyed writing this story--it was very down-to-earth. Most people focus more on making things beautiful and grand and otherworldly, but this story was well-written, yet grounded in a familiar, "real" world. Your main character's life, however alien to me as a nerd, was easy to relate to and just as easily imagined. (I especially enjoyed the stripper hat--that was a nice touch. XD)

Also, have you read The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky? This story really reminded me of that, even though your main character is nowhere near as innately innocent as Charlie. If you haven't read it, it's definitely something to check out.

The only thing that I felt this piece was missing was a lot of your main character's own personal thoughts. That seems like an odd thing to say--it's sort of her diary, after all--but I really didn't know what her moral beliefs were. She talks a lot about going to these parties and having sex and doing drugs, but I don't know what her mother has told her about these things, or if her mother talked to her at all. What does she think? What is she afraid of? For being an "in the moment" piece, it felt very emotionally detached from what was going on. When you're writing a diary, it's important to remember that you're writing from the perspective of a person who writes things down when the emotions are noteworthy.

A lot of the emotional response that your characters feel comes from a priori--the stuff your character brings to an experience or is thinking about as the experience is taking place. Knowing about her history, her fears, and all of that good stuff is what will make the story even better on the relatability front.

__

Thanks for the read, lplocek! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or have the next bit up. ^_^

Thanks for the advice... I already took your suggestions into consideration. Good catch. & I'm sorry I cheated on the reviews, but I went back and did a few and will do even more later. Thanks again!

you need to have reviewed two other pieces of work before posting something of your own, so maybe go back and read the rules for this forum? it just makes sure that everyone gets good critiques etc...

is the narrator writing in her diary? because you said at the top that it's meant to sound like thoughts coming out of her head and if it was just her thought train then i think it sounded a lot more like it was something talking to another person about their school life rather than the thoughts which someone would think. for example at the start :

Me? I’ve always thought of myself as a writer

and also

and not enough time to sit down and think, ya know?

i think the 'Me?' and the 'ya know?' makes it seem as if there's someone listening and she it talking to someone.

however- if she is writing in her diary then ignore all of that!


the tone of the narrator is extremely well done though, i think. it gave me a really good feel of the kind of person she is and the way she thinks. and overall i did enjoy reading this alot.