mark my words

Hello, m'dear. Tori here for some honest reviewing. First, some basic fixes in red.

As I look down to see the scar engraved into my pale skin, A
I take a deep breath and think of the way things were back then.(A)
breathe it in, and burn it out.B

You were the mistake i never wanted to make. C
I took my time to get it right and that's what gave my heart the break. C
I guess you had your mind on another D, when I couldn't make C myself want others. D

Save it for the next girl, she might be stupid enough.E
Stupid enought to fall for you, all the way down.F
"Friends forever" was important to me. G

Burning on my arm, your name written thick and underlined thin. H
Scrubbing and scrubbing but nothing is fading. I
Resorting to other methods of screaming and scratching your scar stood still and stung only worse.J

"Kill me!", I screamed "make it all end!" and there stands your mark still burning (I) and stinging. (I)
You're nothing to me but a mistake I have made. (I)Laugh in my face, won't change a thing. (I)


i know its horrible and makes almost no sence, i just needed to get this out of my system. fix it! Well, if you ask nicely

Okay! So, those were just very, very basic spelling and grammar fixes. I didn't even touch on the tense problems. Remember, please, punctuate consistently. Use commas and apostrophes. Capitalise your proper 'I's. Basic things.

You switch tenses a lot. A good example is this line:

"Kill me!", I screamed "make it all end!" and there stands your mark still burning and stinging.

You screamed- that is past tense. But "there stands" is present, with no obvious transition. You do this throughout the poem.

Overall, I didn't really like this poem. All I got out of it was a very whiny rant: "My boyfriend is an arse. Anyone who dates him is stupid. I can't believe I ever dated him, and he's like a (metaphorical?) scar on my arm that won't go away." Very stereotypical emo, very boring and confusing.

Judging by the lack of basic editing; I'll assume that this was something you just wrote out quickly as you were venting. And that's fine. Poetry is a great way to rant. You weren't going for a Poe or Dickinson, you were just saying what came to mind.

Here's how you can improve: Use real emotion. All I get out of this is whiny complaining. Has this boy actually scarred you? Has he really ruined you? Use eloquent wording. Make us feel your pain. The best poetry makes you feel something. Other than annoyance.

Word choice. You use lots of conjunctions, and a lot of simple language. As I just said, be eloquent.

Rhyme scheme and flow. You need work. It' very choppy, very simple, and not very good. Some stanzas rhyme, some don't. Make sure they all have a scheme, like ABBACCADDA. or ABABABABABA. I labled your scheme in blue above. As you can see, you really have none. You have a jumble of internal and external rhymes, most of them bad slants. Find a consistent pattern.

Subject. I really can't tell what this poem's point is. I suggest expanding on that.

So, overall, this is fine for a vent, but not exactly a world-class poem. With work, it might be okay. Keep writing!

-Tori