What Girls Want~part one

Hi Lovey! here to give a review!

Only a few people where still taking their formative,

witch she did, unnoticed and stole our pants

Audrey seperated from Alana when Alana got drunk and was dared to sneaked into the locker rooms,

"Hey, baby. Wats up?" her voice suddenely raised at least an octive in pitch. When she was around buys, her voice got squeeky

Therefore, the girls thought that I was a badass player.

This was interesting. It does seem rushed though. And you had a lot of spelling and grammar mistakes. Other than that. great job. Keep writing!!! But edit this first. haha

I liked this, but like a few reviewers above me stated, it did seem rushed through.
There were many spelling/grammar mistakes that were already pointed out, so I won't say them.
If Audrey and Alana were opposites, then why would they be best friends? Explain their friendship. Usually "the hottest girl in school" wouldn't be spending her spare time with a nerd. Maybe they childhood friends, neighbors, or perhaps something else?

In the beginning of the story, Audrey seemed very shy and quiet. Later on, she acts sarcastic and a speak-her-mind type of person. Those two personalities contrast each other greatly and are not usually owned by the same person. But there are a few expections. Some people are quiet and shy around people they don't know or aren't with, but once they get to know them, they may become sarcastic, talkative, etc.

Other than these things I have nothing else to say.
I hope this helps you. (:

I think it's a really good story begining. I like the way the caracters play out and the opening of the stody. But you could have enthesised the emotions of the main caracter, and i think that because of that lacking in description (of emotions), it makes the story seem fast moving. But over all i'd recomend it

Ok I really like this story. It has a good plotline and good depth in the characters. I fing it hilarious how clueless Erik is about how Audrey likes him (just guessing here but it seems kinda obvious). This story is really good and I can't wait to read more. Please PM me when you post more.

Hello there.

her vibrant red hair laid straight across her shoulders and her crystal clear blue eyes shined in the hallway lights.

Audrey White was a piano major so I would never be caught dead near her, me being the quarterback of the football team.

Of course not (?) under the radar of my friends, so every Sunday, while my parents are out at Church and the guys are playing football on the field comma she comes over and helps me with math and science.

"Why, hello!" my mother beamed. "Are you Erik's girlfriend?"

"She's um, a French exchange student. She came to...er, get the science homework."

"I...no know very well...English." she spoke in an amazing French accent.

my mother smiled, obviously falling for our lame excuse.

When I closed the door behind her, my obnoxious fourteen year old brother who was only three years younger than us, but still acted like an annoying five year old, ran down the stairs.

"I need help. And you're the only girl I can talk to about it."

Since I was already breaking all the rules with Audrey, inviting her to my house, asking her to talk to me, and even talking to her, she was probably my best option.

"Well, she's complicated.

her voice suddenly raised at least an octave in pitch. When she was around boys, her voice got squeaky and her vocabulary became very limited.

So I knew Audrey would definitely help me, since she knew Alana better than anyone.

"Sure, how's about noon?"

"But-but the science test! It's tomorrow!"

Okie dai, well, I have to admit I didn't like this as much as I liked the last piece I read of yours... "Save the Last Dace for Me," but it seemed like a pretty good introduction..

One thing I would like to address: He called her "White,"... it seems to me like it's this new fashionable thing to call people by their last names... I mean, I do it, I admit, but I only call guys by their last names, if I'm trying to mess with them or if their first name just does not suit them... But like I was saying, him calling her "White" makes it seem like he wants her to notice him, you know? And, as I don't know what the rest of this story entails, maybe he was trying to make her notice him, or maybe he calls everyone by their last name (I notice when he was talking to Audrey he didn't call Alana by her last name though...) So, yeah... it's not a bad thing, and I'm not telling you to change it, but it just sort of bothered me...

Another thing that caused me a bit of irritation; I fully expected his parents to act at least a little disappointed that Erik wasn't coming with them to church... especially if his fourteen year old brother goes... Maybe you would consider addressing why he doesn't go? Maybe it's just because he has to study... I don't know...

Also, I thought it was kind of odd that Alana is concerned about a superficial thing like appearance (referring to the paper towels here) but she thinks flowers are too girly... and then the way she talked to Erik on the phone seemed quite girly.

Then, there's a few technical things I'd like to point out...

Audrey White was a piano major so I would never be caught died near her

She took a step, making clicking noises with her heeled flats.

"Um, no." I frantically blurted out. "Shes um, a French exchange student. She came to...er, get the science homework."

Hey there, I saw your post asking for a review, so here I am!

Okay, so for starters I think you've got an interesting character developing...I don't know whether to laugh or feel bad about Erik's complete selfish clueless-ness. There seemed to be quite a few inconsistencies and the story felt really rushed once they were alone at his house.

For one thing, why does he ask her for help about the other girl if she's there to help him study? And then going and actually calling the girl seems really rude and quick. He must be super confident, which I can partly understand with him being a jock, but it still seems just so fast.

And then Alana's reaction; if she's so excited that she's screaming when he called her, why hasn't there been any indication of them liking each other beforehand? Why couldn't Erik pick up on any hints Alana might have been dropping and ask her out? Why'd he need to get Audrey involved? I can understand that he wants to know more about Alana, but it just seems like everything has been crammed into this one moment, and it all feels too fast.

One last issue -- you seem to switch tenses in the story. Like this part:

I couldn't let them meet her. Not only will I be a laughing stock of the Junior year, but I will lose trust from my parents for bringing over a girl behind their backs and I will never hear the end of it from my brother.

This is a good plotline so far, I really like the girl character and the dynamics your characters have together. I think this needs some cleaning up, grammar-wise and tempo, because it felt a little rushed. All the same, this is a solid start and the personality shines through really clear.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

I quite like this (: It was very rushed though.

A triangular prism with the height of 48, the width of 12, and the length of 72. What is the surface area? I repeated in my head. Urgh! We learned this in 7th grade! Was the formula 2 Pi r squared? I couldn't even concentrate in the silence. Alejandra glanced at me and my unfinished paper in pity then went back to twirling her oily black hair around her fingers.Nice, I like how you show what he is thinking very detailed too.

I closed my eyes and put my head on the cool surface of the metalic desk. Only a few people where still taking their formative, including me. Five boys and two girls. At least I could count that.

I felt a gentle hand squeeze my shoulder and pull me back against the chair.

"Turn it into a cube. Use the same measurements to find the surface area of the cube and then divide it by two to turn it back into a triangular prism." her soft voice whispered into my ear before the warm hand left my shoulder.

I smiled and bent back over the desk to work out the measurements. Two hours later, the bell rang as soon as I turned in my scansheet. I stood outside Mr.Perpel's classroom until I found the person I was looking for. I pulled her out of the crowd and pushed her against the wall so that no one would see us.

"White!" I grinned. She smiled back at me, her vibrant red hair layed straightly across her shoulders and her crystal clear blue eyes shined in the hallway lights. In the crowded hall, she was completely oblivious to the shoving she was getting by others. She blinked her long eyelashes against her freckled cheeks.

"Yes Erik?"

"Erm, yeah. I just wanted to say thank you for earlier..." I rubbed my hand on the back of my head.

"Sure thing." she nodded, stepping back into the crowd and disappeared. I glanced around by her sudden absence, like an idiot. The dialogue seemed a little forced but maybe that's how you intended it to be because he can't be seen with her.

Audrey White was a piano major so I would never be caught died near her, me being the quarterback of the football team.

We meetmet months ago, at the begining of the year, when her best friend, Alana, dragged her to the first game of the season. Audrey seperated from Alana when Alana got drunk and was dared to sneaked into the locker rooms, witch she did, unnoticed and stole our pants. Audrey took back our pants and gave them to us the next day.

After that I noticed that Audrey was in most of my classes. She was the best student, always turning in papers and being the teachers pet, so I asked her to tutor me. Of course under the radar of my friends, so every Sunday, while my parents are out at Church and the guys are playing football on the field she comes over and helps me with math and science.



* * *

"Erik, dear!" my mom called from downstairs.

"Yeah? What?" I stumbled down the staircase. Why aren't they gone yet? I thought. They were twenty minutes late! Audrey would be here any minute. "Are you leaving soon, the priest might get mad at you or something."

"Don't be so impatiant!" my mother laughed. "We'll be leaving in a moment, your brother just has to come down."

There was nothing else to say, so we stood there in silence, until a soft knock came from the door

"Shit!" I mumbled to myself. I couldn't let them meet her. Not only will I be a laughing stocka bit cliche of the Junior year, but I will lose trust from my parents and I will never hear the end of it from my brother. Wait, why would he loose trust from his parents?

I glanced at mom, when everything went in slow-mo. She took a step, making clicking noises with her heeled flats. I ran up to the door, extending my arm to reach the doorknob, but I was a little too late.

She opened the door as a shocked expression crossed her face.

"Why, hello!" my mother beemed!beamed "Are you Eriks girlfriend?"

I glanced at Audrey in the doorway. She curled her flaming red locks today, and wore a strapless, silky white dress that really showed her perfect curves. When she opened her mouth to speak to my mom, I cut her off.

"Um, no." I frantically blurted out. "Shes um, a French exchange student. She came to...er, get the science homework."
I like the fact how you show his stuttering
My mom looked at Audrey.

"Bonjour." Audrey giggled. "I...no know very well...english." she spoke in an amazing French accent.

"Oh, well come in, come in." my mother smiled, obviously falling for out lame excuse. "I am very proud of you Erik, helping in science, are you?" Audrey stepped in, her dress flowing above her knees.

When I closed the door behind her, my obnocious fourteen your old brother who was only three years younger than us, but still acted like an annoying five year old, ran down the stairs. He stood in front of her, wearing black skinny jeans and a plaid blue shirt from American Eagle. He gave Audrey a charming smile and reached for her hand and gently kissed it, never losing eye contact. I immediatly felt a strange overwhelming feeling of jealousy.

"Yo!" I yanked her hand away from his grip. "Um, shouldn't ya'll get goin'?"

"Yes, it was very nice to meet you, sweetie." my mother shook Audrey's and called for my father to come. He greeted her and then headed for the door.

"Nice a too meeta youIs this sentence meant to be like this?. Au revoir!" she waved as they got in the old truck. She turned to me and dropped her smile.

"Well that was rude."

"What?" I cried, shocked.

"Yes, what is wrong with you!" she yelled at me. "Why can't you admit that you know me? Or even tell your parents that I come over every week to help you with tests. It hurts me that you find me so embarressing." embarrasing

"White, you don't understand..." Her anger was a little too abrupt, maybe she would glare at him and speak in an angry voice then shout?
"See! You don't even call me by my first name." she hissed.

"Chill out, White." I took her hand and lead her to the pudgey couch. "I need help. And your the only girl I can talk to about it."

"Erik, I should have known, did you just get your period?" she asked sarcastically.

"God no! What the hell..." I sighed. "No. I need girl help."

"Oh." she cocked her head to the side. "Who?"

"Alana." I simply stated. "She is so brave and funny. And she is so hot."

A hurt expression crossed her face. For a moment her eyes seemed a little angry before the fire died off and she looked calm again. Maybe because this is first person, put his opnion of her reaction.

"Alana, huh?" she smiled.

"Yeah. Tell me about her." I was as gitty as a little school girl. giddy

"Well, shes complicated. But the basics are size small, A-34, favorite food is hamburgers and her period is on the 5th every month." White smiled.

"Ugh! I don't need to know her bra size! Wait... did you say A?" I asked.

"Yep, its called paper towels." she replied.

"What kind of flowers does she like? Whats her favorite color and whats her number?"

"She doesn't like flowers, she finds them too girly. Her favorite color is bright red and its 310-013-103." she answered. Maybe slowly build to her giving her friends number, because in my experience I have never seen a girl just blurt out her friends number that fast to a boy she likes.

"Cool!" I leaped up and pulled my cell out of my pocket and dialed the number.

"Hey." a squeeky voice greeted me.

"Yo, Alana? Its Erik, Erik McArther." I grinned at her voice as she screamed into the phone.

"Hey, baby. Wats up?" Umm she was screaming then suddenly said 'hey baby wats up'?

"Nothing much. Just wondering if you wanted to meet up at Venice Beach later? Catch some lunch or something?"

"Sure, hows about noon?"

I agreed and hung up the phone as Audrey just stared at the floor glumly.

"Kay, White. Time to go." I took her hand and lead her out the door.

"Bu-but I-we didn't..."

"No buts! I gotta date with the hottest chick at school!" I opened the door of her Lexus.

"But-but the science test! Its tomarrow!" tommorow
"Who cares!" I pushed her into her car and closed the door. As I turned around I almost thought that I saw a tear run down her cheek. Again maybe his thoughts to the tear he saw?