Young Writers Society

Hi there love-death-poems. I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

So, you hit us with a lot of bad things like, one right after the other, in this poem. My first bit of advice to you would be to slow down with them. Give us time to absorb them and to chew them over in our heads. Otherwise the effect that you're trying for here will be lost.

So, you have a bit of work to do with this. You could do quite a bit with it, you just have to tinker with it a bit to unlock its true potential. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Wow, this is a very powerful poem. I mean, you're dealing with a lot of heavy issues here. And I felt like you just kind of skimmed over them, emotionally. I mean let's just list what conflict your protagonist incurs during this one poem:

1.)An abusive boyfriend or brother (I'm not sure which)
2.)A sibling that has been murdered
3.)Rape by her step-father
4.)Murder that has been staged as suicide

I'm not so sure about you, but that is a lot of crap to go through in one day, much less a whole lifetime. And you say nothing about how the girl feels while this is all occuring, you don't mention any emotions, whatsoever, besides crying. How are your readers going to connect to this piece, if they feel like you don't even care? That is the impression that I got from you. That you didn't care, you were just trying to make this poor girl's life completely miserable. Add some emotion, and I think that would vastly improve this. Hope this helps and wasn't too harsh.

i really like this!
the only things wrong are some grammar/spelling errors.
other than that i really enjoyed reading this. you put a lot of emotion into it.
Keep writing!

Hi! I'll be your reviewer for today!

"Your such a whore"

"It'll be ok dear".

James, my step fahter,

He untide my

took the tape from my mouth and I screamed,