I cried and he screamed,
"Your such a whore" he said to me.
"Fat, ugly, stupid bitch" he said and hit my face,
I saw my friend and screamed "Run Chace".
Andy turned and saw him standing there,
Chace ran and Andy followed and I stared.
Night came and I didn't hear from Chace,
My mom came home and I covered up the bruise on my face.
When I went to welcome my mom home she had a tear in her eye,
"I have bad news" she said "Chase just died".
My eyes got wide and my eyes got full of tears,
My mom hugged me and said "It'll be ok dear".
I ran to my room and cried on my bed,
Andy got to him and now he was dead.
James, my step fahter, walked in the door and saw me sleeping,
He thought to himself 'What a great opportunity'.
He tapped my mouth shut and began to rape me,
I screamed and screamed but he just slapped me.
When he was done he cut my throat and I cried,
He looked at me and said "It will look just like suicide".
He untide my and took the tape from my mouth and I screamed,
"Shut up you stupid bitch" he said to me.
I died that night and my mom cried,
I still watch over her and soon she grew old and died.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi there love-death-poems. I'm Conrad Rice, and I'll be your reviewer for today.
So, you hit us with a lot of bad things like, one right after the other, in this poem. My first bit of advice to you would be to slow down with them. Give us time to absorb them and to chew them over in our heads. Otherwise the effect that you're trying for here will be lost.
So, you have a bit of work to do with this. You could do quite a bit with it, you just have to tinker with it a bit to unlock its true potential. PM me if you have any questions or comments.
Good job, and good luck.
-Conrad Rice
Wow, this is a very powerful poem. I mean, you're dealing with a lot of heavy issues here. And I felt like you just kind of skimmed over them, emotionally. I mean let's just list what conflict your protagonist incurs during this one poem:
1.)An abusive boyfriend or brother (I'm not sure which)
2.)A sibling that has been murdered
3.)Rape by her step-father
4.)Murder that has been staged as suicide
I'm not so sure about you, but that is a lot of crap to go through in one day, much less a whole lifetime. And you say nothing about how the girl feels while this is all occuring, you don't mention any emotions, whatsoever, besides crying. How are your readers going to connect to this piece, if they feel like you don't even care? That is the impression that I got from you. That you didn't care, you were just trying to make this poor girl's life completely miserable. Add some emotion, and I think that would vastly improve this. Hope this helps and wasn't too harsh.
i really like this!
the only things wrong are some grammar/spelling errors.
other than that i really enjoyed reading this. you put a lot of emotion into it.
Keep writing!
Hi! I'll be your reviewer for today!
It should be: "You're such a whore"Should be "It'll be okay dear". and why is she saying that? Its not going to be okay...kinda strange.
"fahter" should be "father"
Should be: He untied me
um...isn't she dead? He slit her throat she wouldn't be able to scream.
This would really have some promise, but it sounds more like a story, not as much a poem. Its not flowing, but it could be if you changed it up a bit. Tell me when you do, and I'll review it again!
~Forest