His happens when I was told that somebody killed all of my friends . I was in horror . So the next day I was walking down the road when I saw a man, it was no ordinary man he was obese but really fast he was as hairy as a hairy bear. With big , bulgy eyes that looked innocent - which wasn't, he was also holding a small butchers knife which had some drips of blood smothered on the hideous knife . He was approaching me , then I turned my head around and I thought that I was going to be spared , but he was right behind me then he got the butchers knife and stabbed me and he ran away never to be seen I didn't feel it but I was still walking and people were looking at me screaming that I was a zombie walking , my life ended , my light death.
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140,391 Literary Works • 673,150 Reviews
'ello, Lotus! Today, I am here to review for Review Day!
There's something incredibly big that I noticed that was a huge problem. GRAMMAR.
GRAMMAR IS A HUUUUUGE PROBLEM o.o;
First of all, you put it in all caps. This separates where capitals are supposed to be. The title is great, it's unique, but the context is a typical story. Also, a normal killer wouldn't just stab someone in broad daylight nor would anyone be STUPID ENOUGH not to run away when someone wanted to MURDER THEM. Even if that person didn't know, oh wait.
Really? No. *hides* There is not way that happens. I also believe this is more of a short story, and it shouldn't be in the "other" section.
What is this? Sounds of a zombie? Well, then write something next to it proving that it is the sound of a zombie. Please, now it looks like random, purpose, typo errors or something like that.
The bloody hand shows not many effects too...
You kind of just repeated "hairy" by saying "as a hairy bear". Instead, I suggest you write down "as a bear".
This doesn't make sense. You're saying that one thing is something, while at the same time, discrediting your own words.
Please fix that.
My rating:
4/10
It does show some sort of effort, but not much. In fact, it feels as though you only used 5% of the potential the story had. It isn't very unique, and the story doesn't match. The grammar errors make other people cringe, so I'm sorry I had to give you a 4.
Keep writing!
~Kitty
thanks for the advice
Very cool story. The light death, the zombie thingy the butcher's knife, the weird hairy man and almost everything. I just wanted it to be longer. In other words more detailed. Oh and the picture of the blood filled hand was perfect for a story like this. You also coul have put the picture of a zombie or a knife with blood. But it's your opinion so it's your choice. Anyway this was a very cool story.
Storybraniac
thanks
Hi, Cheetah here, ready to review on this Review Day!
Well, I have to admit, I am somewhat confused. Here's what I got from the story:
There's a person who is in horror. They're walking down the road. There's a weird man who has a knife. The person got stabbed and now she looks like a zombie. Her life ended.
This really could be good, honestly, it could be great. But there's also a lot of confusion going on.
First of all, it's in all capital letters. This may be your style, but to me it looks a bit odd and distracting from the story.
I don't think you really need to specify that he is hairy after you already mentioned that.
Also, the second half is all one big sentence and it could be broken up to be made clearer.
I think you meant there to be a comma there.
This story holds a lot of potential, fix the mistakes, make it longer, and you could have something amazing! Keep writing!
Thanks for the advice
hi lotus,
I must say ... that's ... quite a disturbing piece you've written. But I really do love it. I love the descriptions, and how you've captured the emotions.
The problem is your punctuation. There are plenty of sentences that could be three more, and you could maybe have put in more commas. Because of this, the emotion is a little mixed up.
Here's something with the punctuation:
SO THE NEXT DAY I WAS WALKING DOWN THE ROAD WHEN I SAW A MAN, IT WAS NO ORDINARY MAN HE WAS OBESE BUT REALLY FAST HE WAS AS HAIRY AS A HAIRY BEAR. WITH BIG , BULGY EYES THAT LOOKED INNOCENT ,WHICH WASN'T, HE WAS ALSO HOLDING A SMALL BUTCHERS KNIFE WHICH HAD SOME DRIPS OF BLOOD SMOTHERED ON THE HIDEOUS KNIFE .
Where it could be:
The next day, as I was walking down the road, I saw a man. It was no ordinary man, either. He was obese, but really/very fast. He was as hairy as a bear, with large, bulging eyes that looked innocent, but weren't. He was holding a small butcher's knife that had some drips of blood smothered on the hideous blade.
Hope this helped, but I did enjoy reading it! (I hope that isn't sadistic!!) It was very good!
Keep up the good work, and consider what I've said. You don't have to do what I've said, just think about it
Sage
Thanks for the advice