Young Writers Society

'ello, Lotus! Today, I am here to review for Review Day!

There's something incredibly big that I noticed that was a huge problem. GRAMMAR.

GRAMMAR IS A HUUUUUGE PROBLEM o.o;

First of all, you put it in all caps. This separates where capitals are supposed to be. The title is great, it's unique, but the context is a typical story. Also, a normal killer wouldn't just stab someone in broad daylight nor would anyone be STUPID ENOUGH not to run away when someone wanted to MURDER THEM. Even if that person didn't know, oh wait.

AND I THOUGHT THAT I WAS GOING TO BE SPARED

HHHJNNJJ

HAIRY AS A HAIRY BEAR.

BIG , BULGY EYES THAT LOOKED INNOCENT ,WHICH WASN'T,

Very cool story. The light death, the zombie thingy the butcher's knife, the weird hairy man and almost everything. I just wanted it to be longer. In other words more detailed. Oh and the picture of the blood filled hand was perfect for a story like this. You also coul have put the picture of a zombie or a knife with blood. But it's your opinion so it's your choice. Anyway this was a very cool story.

Storybraniac

Hi, Cheetah here, ready to review on this Review Day!

Well, I have to admit, I am somewhat confused. Here's what I got from the story:

There's a person who is in horror. They're walking down the road. There's a weird man who has a knife. The person got stabbed and now she looks like a zombie. Her life ended.

This really could be good, honestly, it could be great. But there's also a lot of confusion going on.

First of all, it's in all capital letters. This may be your style, but to me it looks a bit odd and distracting from the story.

HE WAS AS HAIRY AS A HAIRY BEAR.

SCREAMING THAT I WAS A ZOMBIE WALKING ., MY LIFE ENDED , MY LIGHT DEATH...................

hi lotus,
I must say ... that's ... quite a disturbing piece you've written. But I really do love it. I love the descriptions, and how you've captured the emotions.
The problem is your punctuation. There are plenty of sentences that could be three more, and you could maybe have put in more commas. Because of this, the emotion is a little mixed up.
Here's something with the punctuation:
SO THE NEXT DAY I WAS WALKING DOWN THE ROAD WHEN I SAW A MAN, IT WAS NO ORDINARY MAN HE WAS OBESE BUT REALLY FAST HE WAS AS HAIRY AS A HAIRY BEAR. WITH BIG , BULGY EYES THAT LOOKED INNOCENT ,WHICH WASN'T, HE WAS ALSO HOLDING A SMALL BUTCHERS KNIFE WHICH HAD SOME DRIPS OF BLOOD SMOTHERED ON THE HIDEOUS KNIFE .
Where it could be:
The next day, as I was walking down the road, I saw a man. It was no ordinary man, either. He was obese, but really/very fast. He was as hairy as a bear, with large, bulging eyes that looked innocent, but weren't. He was holding a small butcher's knife that had some drips of blood smothered on the hideous blade.

Hope this helped, but I did enjoy reading it! (I hope that isn't sadistic!!) It was very good!
Keep up the good work, and consider what I've said. You don't have to do what I've said, just think about it

Sage