z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

Requested tale

by lostthought


It was dark out and that's how she liked it. She loved how the darkness kissed her skin ever so slightly. Her knife laid by her but she didn't need it. Her torture tools were in the basement, where the children stand chained to the wall. They always screamed, and that is how she likes it. Licking her lips, she start down the stairs to the basement.

Jessica Bagman was a killer and loved to see her victims scream and plead for mercy. Not just any victims though. She loved to torture children. When she was running low, she kidnapped some more. Just a bag of candy earns their trust. Their last treat before unbearable pain. Jessica always made them last long, not granting them a quick death.

The children were on the wall, crying and pleading like always. After a while they don't plead to be let go. No, they plead for death. Three days after they ask for death, she gives them their wish. She takes them to a dark, musty closet full of spikes. Then they would hang from the ceiling by their wrist, unable to move as the walls moved in slowly, impaling them without killing. As the walls contract the children would covered in blood. Salt would also fall from the ceiling, burning them. They finally die as water pores down from the ceiling, drowning them with water stained in blood, their blood. The cleanup is quick and easy. The water goes down the drain and the body is burned, ashes thrown to the wind.

The bad children had honey and bananas fed to them. Honey was then spread under the. armpits, their private parts, and their stomach. Insects would crawl over them, eating into their skin, crawling inside their bodies. They didn't die, they were just fatally injured.

The good children just got locked in dark room for days without food or water. They would be given food and water occasionally so they don't die. If they start being bad, she would burn the bottom of their feet and make them walk around their room. Stopping resulted in a cut covered in salt and lemon juice. Each time they stop the cut gets wider and more salt and lemon juice got rubbed in.

Oh how they screamed! A high pitched scream of terror, of fear. Nobody heard them scream, way down in the deep of the woods. She walked over to the girl on the table. The girl was about five, her once blonde hair stained with dirt and blood. Her arms and legs were stretched out painfully, chained to the corners of the table. She had no shirt on because she was about to receive one of the worse tortures she had, the rat bucket.

Grabbing the bucket of rats, Jessica turned the bucket upside down on the girl's stomach and tied it around the girl so the bucket couldn't fall off. The girl was crying, her pathetic sniffling breaking through the tears often. She took a match and set the bottom of the bucket on fire. She could hear the rats panicking, tearing into the girl for a way to escape. The girl's scream penetrated the air as the rats started biting into the girl. Whistling, Jessica walked onto the next victim.


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Thu Sep 14, 2017 9:27 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Lost! GooseLuck here to do a review for you! I'm bored and need to review, so here goes nothing. Let's take flight, shall we?

The first thing I would suggest in is investing in some dialogue, which isn't something I say often but I think that it would help this a bit and I would like to see how you put it into action here and if you could do it well(then again you know how I am with dialogue so take this with a grain of salt.)

The next thing is I feel like this is just too rushed and that you could have spent some more time putting detail into it, well, more than you already have and I would love to see what that would be like. Take your time, play with it, and see where it can go. That's my opinion on it, in any case, but I'm no prose expert so take this advice with a grain of salt.

Overall grammar you're good and I didn't see any punctuation mistakes, but it's Four thirty AM and I'm pretty tired so I guess I could have missed something.

I think that you did a decent enough job with this novel chapter and I am interested in seeing where it goes. Also, unless it's in your writing, I don't see the suspenseful drama side of you, and it's a weird turn to see.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, GooseLuck




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Mon Dec 30, 2013 12:27 am
Iggy wrote a review...



Greetings, lostthought!

So I guess we're lucky I made it this far. Future preschool teacher and all. I can barely stomach kids being killed in The Hunger Games. Anyways, the review~

Since majority of the nitpicks were pointed out, I'll just give you my overall opinion of the piece - It was pretty good for a gruesome and malicious piece about torturing children. You used some creative ways to torture and kill them, and you did a good job of describing it.

I'm going to reiterate Aria's statement about giving the killer a motive for targeting children. Killers usually have very specific reasons when they focus on an age group; otherwise, Jessica would have killed anyone and everyone she could get her hands on. Maybe she hated her childhood? Maybe she despises kids for a psychological reason? Maybe these specific kids remind her of herself, or something tied into her past? Knowing why Jessica is killing the kids helps the reader understand the story more as it goes on. Her motives, while terrible, make sense. Otherwise, this is just a killer killing for teh lulz.

Overall, it was a nice piece! I do feel like you held back some of the gory details, so next time, don't be afraid to let it all out. This is your work, after all. Do what makes you comfortable. :)

Since this piece is rather gruesome and contains violence, I recommend you appropriately rate it 16+ and V for violence, so people know what they're getting into. To do that, go to Edit settings > click the Publish! button > then click the link that says "Click here to edit settings for this work"

-Iggy




lostthought says...


Oh, she hated children even when she was a child...500 years ago. I'll do that. I actually am rewriting it right now. Taking out like some none necessary parts and fixed part of it. Thanks for the review though!



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Sun Nov 10, 2013 6:41 am
crossroads wrote a review...



Hello, lostthought.
You're not exactly new, but welcome anyway, I hope you're liking it here so far ;) Do feel free to let me know if you need anything.

That was me being nice, now onto the review.~

First let me tell you, I'm the kind of person who loves a nice dark story, especially with torture involved, and I have nothing against details, however graphic they got. I don't have a problem with the tortured ones being children, either - that shocks the reader more, I suppose, so why not include it.. as far as that's concerned, I liked the choice of subject for this story, and the fact you didn't decide to make it look prettier than it is.

However. When writing a story about a serial killer, saying "She's Name LastName, and she's a serial killer" is kind of..meh. You show her torturing children. She surely doesn't keep them for a while and then let them go home and send police to her door - hence she gets rid of them, or they die from pain and blood loss, and everyone gets the picture. They're dead because of her torturing them - that makes her a killer. They're of certain profile, killed in similar ways, and there's a lot of them over a certain period of time - that makes her a serial killer.

Not just any victims though. She loved to torture children.

Why? Even if it doesn't seem that way, more often than not serial killers do have a reason to why they target a specific kind of individual/group. That reason might not be rational, might not be socially or otherwise acceptable, but in their minds, they have a reason, which can often be tracked and connected to something in their own lives.
Alright, she kills children. So that gives the "Oh dear! No..poor little kids, why would she do that? :'( So evil.." kind of effect to the story..but without anything to say why children, even if objectively it wouldn't be a proper reason, it's simply just a fact put there for the purpose of getting that ^ reaction from the readers - and nothing more.

You have some good ideas, some nice pictures which could make for a really creepy story (or movie), the kind of mind to come up with interesting things. But it's only vaguely there in this story, in my opinion. It seems to me as if you thought of some ways of torture - some of which are quite original, I give you that - and decided to share them to shock people who read it. Writing a story out of them was just a way to give them some sort of context.

Furthermore, the nitpicks..
Spoiler! :
She loved how the darkness kissed her skin ever so slightly.

So..it sort of brushed over her skin, making it slightly darker or paler or something, but she stayed the same? Darkness can't really do that, can it? It's not material enough. That "ever so slightly" expression just doesn't really work for me.. might be a personal preference, but eh.
Other than that, though, I liked the poetic touch of the beginning, I'd have liked to see that continue as the story progressed.

It takes very, very high temperature to turn a body into nothing but ashes, even a child's body. She should own a crematorium of a sort to do that.
If they're hanged from their wrists, as the water pours down, not much blood would end up drowning them - try hanging them from their ankles instead. Then blood from all the cuts pours down their bodies along with the water, and there's the addition of blood rushing into their brains and maybe keeping them up a bit longer as well.
private parts

Eh..alright, since it's about children, I suppose a harder kind of expression might seem more forced than this. But if you ever get to write about adults, be graphic here if you're graphic elsewhere. Since, you know, if we're fine with details of torture, we should keep this censored because...?
Jessica Bagman

Cool, her name. Just drop it. It's not really that important, we obviously weren't meant to connect with her as a character (and if we were, then it lacks a lot of characterisation*). Without her name, she's more scary anyway.. not knowing is what creeps people out just as much as some details can.

*I think it lacks some anyway. Yes, she's creepy and all, but I'd like to see her thoughts, her feelings. I miss both characterisation and description, and in this case one would lead to the other anyway. Make us watch their bodies tense, see the tears running down their cheeks, their tender, smooth skin burning as it gets cut over and over again, dark lines of blood in such sharp contrast with their pale skin. Make us hear their screams as music, echoing the halls, the newcomers' desperate cries for help getting no response from the ones already suffering for days. Make us see their eyes, looking dead on their still young and innocent faces, as they lose hope their parents** will come rescue them, but they don't know what they did wrong.
And then show us her anticipation as she enters the room with the new subject chained to the table, the tingling of her own skin as she carefully chooses the right blades she's about to use, the pleasure of hearing their screams and the way her lips curl up into a tiny smile. And why not, show us the melody she's whistling. Is it a children's song? One she remembers from her own childhood when it all really started?

There is just so much potential.

**their parents. Alright, for the purposes of the story it might not matter, but think of how unrealistic this really is..so many children getting missing, for long periods of time, and no one thinks of checking that one cabin in the woods with huge enough basement for all those stuff, and the owner who has to buy a lot of salt and other things all the time? Possible, maybe. But not really believable.


All in all, once again I salute the choice of subject, and I'm still intrigued by what your mind might come up with next. Writing about torture, and about sadistic minds and helpless victims, is tricky. You're not bad with the images you want to share, and the overall feeling, but it lacks the finesse.
I'll stop myself now, and just say that I hope I was clear and helped a bit. There are some other things I could say, but you're probably already tired of imagining my voice telling you all of the above.. I'd like to read more of your works, and hopefully see some things changing in them.

Please don't hesitate to message me if you need anything, writing or non-writing related ;)

Kind regards,
Aria




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Sat Nov 09, 2013 12:00 am
AlfonsoFernandez wrote a review...



Well, that was graphic...

Hello there, I'm here to review.

So, first of all I'd like to say that that story was really nasty but it was also pretty interesting. I liked the creativity you had to some of the tortures, and they seemed indeed pretty torturous. However, there are some things that you could improve.
First of all, the story didn't seem to have a continuous flow. It felt to me a little bit more like a series of events than a story. I think you could add a little more description to the plot itself (and still keep the gory torture descriptions), and then it might be a little easier to understand, since at times I seemed to get lost in the chronology of the story.

Secondly, you should review your use of tenses in this piece, since you seem to get mixed between past and present tense, especially in the first paragraph.

There are also a few grammatical errors here and there, but overall that is good.

Finally, I'd like to add that the story's concept was horrible (that is the whole point) but the story in itself was pretty good.

So keep writing and keep up the good work.

Congrats,

-Alfonso




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Fri Nov 08, 2013 1:59 am
Vivian wrote a review...



Hello, Vivian here. First off vvrrrr. That's like evil and why children they haven't done anything wrong yet? Truth be told I'd go for adults. Anyway that last part I know you got from a movie I just don't remember what it was called. '~' This doesn't seem all that scary to me, just really really gross and really really painful. Like ouch, lemon juice and she literally "rubs" salt on their wounds. Damn she's nts, I like her, just don't like who she does it to.
I see nothing wrong with the story itself just like one or two grammar mistakes where either you didn't add a word and/or didn't ad "ed" at the end. But overall it was a good story, very creepy.




lostthought says...


The rat bucket? Oh it is a old torture I think. Not token from a movie. I don't even watch tv. It is kids because adults could fight back and would take longer to break. She really hates children. I had on humor and got scolded so ya.



lostthought says...


Btw I looked it up and it was game of thrones




The words you speak become the house you live in.
— Hafiz