Her name is Lizza Goldyern, and she is the ugliest thing I have ever laid my eyes on. Now, it may seem cruel, but in my defense, Lizza is a very old doll that my client sent me here to find and retrieve. Why my client in question would want this thing, well, I'd have to ask my client.
Lizza Goldyern is a raggedy doll with the filthiest yarn hair I have ever seen. Her dress is faded with age. I can tell that once it must have been a nice blue dress. Her hair was yellow once, but at the moment it is a filthy brown. No amount of work could restore this rag to its former glory, yet it still had hope to become somewhat decent looking again.
My client is a Jessie Heldinburg. She never married and earns her money by gambling just about every other day. By the amount of cash she has in her Swedish bank account, I would have to say that she is either really good at gambling, or she robs banks. Either way, how she earns her money is honestly none of my business. However, I am a naturally curious person. I wouldn't be a good detective if I wasn't.
On my way to meet Heldinburg, I manage to obtain a very important thing from my hotel suite: a donut. Now, while this may not seem very important to a great many people, they obviously don't have a donut addiction like I do. I have been suffering from donut withdrawal for the last two hours and no client is going to make me suffer longer than need be.
I finally meet her at a grand cafe in Fresno. Its decor was a bit weak but overall its service was great. She was wearing a saucy red dress with black pumps. She holds a small purse that presumably held my well earned payment. It did take me two days and a night just to find this. She sits at a small table, a half-eaten lobster sitting in front of her. Recognition floods her face as I swagger over to her and take a seat.
"So, Ms Heldinburg, I got your treasure back." I present her with the doll. A scream of joy exits her mouth as she frantically snatches the doll out of my hand. I tap her shoulder. "My pay, please?"
Her hand flies to her purse that is now confirmed to contain my pay. "Oh yes, your pay." She fumbles a bit and hands me a large stack of twenties. Her hand waves me off while she stares lovingly at her newfound doll. I begin to leave, my pockets bulging with the money, but pause.
Out of curiosity, I ask, "So, what is so important about that doll anyways? It's not the prettiest thing and it hardly looks as though it is worth a lot. It begs the question of why you would want it in the first place."
A reply comes almost immediately. "Lizza was my first friend when I was a little girl. My mother was a drunk and my father was always away on business. I was kept inside all day by a cruel nanny who believed that children were menaces that should be kept on a short leash. It was a lonely period in which I was completely and utterly miserable. Then one day, before my father left me for the last time, he gave me Lizza." Tears had begun welling in her eyes. Her next words were strangled, "T-t-then he got on a plane for Missouri. The p-p-plane crasherd and he d-d-"
"He died?"
She nods. I awkwardly offer her my tissue and wait for her to recompose herself. When she is finally calm again, she continues, "Lizza was my friend through everything. She helped make me smile again even after my life seemed bleak. For that, I owe her everything. I'd take her with me everywhere, even when I was past the age where it was socially acceptable for one to do so. One day I lost her in an amusement park. I haven't seen her until today. In fact, if it wasn't for you, I would have never saw her again. I thank you for this."
I blush. It's not everyday a client would thank me for all the hard work I did getting back their precious objects. They usually just paid me and sent me off without so much as a "Thanks." I tip my hat and stand. "You're welcome, Ms Heldinburg. I once had a best friend who has a giant teddy bear who I would fall asleep hugging every night. I best be off!"
I leave, looking back only once to see her talking to her doll. Despite its ugliness, I can now see why Ms Heldinburg wanted that thing. My friend, Jeremy Bear, went missing a long time ago. Nowadays, I make friends with actual people. Boy, that woman sure was weird.
And Lizza Goldyern is still the ugliest thing I have ever laid eyes on.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Heya, Lost, GooseLuck here to do a review for you, so let's get started.
The first thing I would have to mention is- this has prose, dialogue, and it's a bit longer. Okay, now let's talking about this.
Although your overall prose is fine, towards the ending it just seems a bit dry, and I wanted to discuss how to change that.
Phrasing would be one way, honestly, and wording, but it's up to you. Another way is change how you describe things, or just take my advice with a grain of salt and keep doing what you're doing, it is your story after all. Anyway, onward.
The dialogue just seems completely robotic, and I would suggest switching it up honestly. Use better connecting pieces, make your characters phrasing how they would actually say it in real life, use better end dialogue pieces, and better punctuation. All of these could actually improve your dialogue and such, and you know how I am whenever it comes with dialogue.
I do think that the length of this one does make it seem more dry, considering it feels like your making up for the shortness of the other ones, and I would say just make a halfway point and start from there or work on your actions.
Anyway, no overall grammar, punctuation, and capitalization errors, so props for that.
I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.
Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.
Sincerely, GooseLuck.
The good sir/miss who commented below me covered a bunch of what I was going to say. But I have a particular confusion with this one paragraph that maybe you could clear up
"My client is a Jessie Heldinburg. She never married and earns her money by gambling just about every other day. By the amount of cash she has in her Swedish bank account, I would have to say that her is either really good at gambling, or she robs banks. Either way, how she earns her money is honestly none of my business. However, I am a naturally curious person. I wouldn't be a good detective if I wasn't."
In the beginning on the paragraph you say that she earns her money by gambling every other day. Thats not really a real thing, I don't think. People generally make real money by being bookies or counting cards, so I think if you wanted to, you could specify that. But also, you go on to say that you have no idea how she earns her money, which I though was strange because you just said you did know how she earned it. I thought that was odd, and as Artic Monkey said, I didn't get a real clear picture of what the relationship was there.Because its a short story, I don't know if you should get super caught up in making things very vague, because unlike a novel, you don't have time to clear them up.
I really did enjoy the story though, I think it could be a cool first chapter of a novel!
Hiya, lost! Here to review
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I thought that this was quite an amusing story, obviously Jessie's back story was less so, but I like the use of the ugly doll in this story. When I was first reading it I was like, why is there so much emphasis on the ugliness of this doll? But in the greater context of the story it made sense, I also love the last line! And this is quite relatable I guess because I think a lot of people have a toy they've had from childhood which they certainly don't want to say goodbye too, I know I do!
I did have a few issues with this piece, however. At points it felt like an info-dump because things were just being told and not shown. I know this is a short story so you don't have time to be hinting at things for ages, but it's so very exciting to read. For example, the introducing paragraph about Jessie has quite a lot of information about her. Firstly, think how much of it is relevant? I feel we should learn more about her through her actions. For example, the fact that she had all of those $20 notes shows that she's rich. We could've learned more from the way she spoke, and how she carries herself which wasn't really shown here, so you could consider adding that in.
I'm unaware of the relationship that the narrator and Jessie have between each other, I mean is Jessie more than just a client? It seems not, however the fact that she basically pours her heart out to your MC suggests otherwise. Generally, people wouldn't just blurt out a life story like that to people they don't know, especially someone who's just working for them, unless they're incredibly open. Maybe she is, or if not you could make more of a deal out of the MC trying to get the information out of her.
I don't really understand what this guy's job is. Jessie is her client, but what does that mean? What kind of job is it to find someone's doll? Does he just help rich people with their errands? The plot here seems to be a bit odd, because I just can't really think of a job that requires that. So I think you could explain that a bit more clearly. I think the overall story line is good with the doll, and how old possessions can affect your life, but this scenario could be better explained.
I don't really like this adjective here. It sounds more like something I'd say to my friends than use in a story. Does saucy mean that it made her look more attractive? Or that it was short/revealing? It just seems like a bit of an informal way to describe a dress.
And on the topic on descriptions, I felt that this piece lacked some. I think your character descriptions were good, but there wasn't enough about the settings, which again contributes to this story line sounding quite random. What was the cafe like? I'm assuming quite posh because Jessie seems to be quite well-off and have high standards. And what about the hotel? More descriptions of the settings will allow the readers to picture what is going on a bit more.
Other than that though, this is a cool story. The doll part made me laugh at the beginning and the end, and when the importance of the doll was revealed I got a better understanding of the story. Anyways, I hope this helps. Feel free to ask me any questions or if you'd like another review on anything. Keep writing,
~ArcticMonkey x
Yeah, I swear I was on track when writing this, but somehow that line managed to get in there and I forgot to alter it so I was like, "Why not?"
Thanks for the review though! Description is probably my worst part in writing. It's hard to tell what is enough and what is too little!