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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

(Help choose a name) Chapter 1

by lostthought


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

It was dark out and that's how she liked it. She loved how the darkness made her blend into the shadows. Her knife was in her pocket but she didn't need it, not today. Today she was going into her basement to torture those repulsive children. They screamed loudly as she tortured them, and that's how she liked it. She started her trip down the rickety stairs to the basement.

The children were in their own separate rooms as usual. In their rooms they were either chained to the wall or chained to the table. They were pleading to be let go, begging to go home to their parents. The parents they didn't know were dead. Some didn't beg to be let go. Instead they begged for death. She would give them their wish. After all, she had a closet just for it.

The closet was musty and dark, the walls covered in spikes. If you were to look closely enough, you would be able to make out the crimson tinting the ends the dark metal. The spikes served their purpose well. The children who wished to die would have their wrists chained to the ceiling. They would hang there, helpless, as the wall slowly moved in, impaling them. If they were still alive after they were impaled, they would drown in the water that would soon flood the room next. After the child was dead, the body was burned, the ashes thrown to the wind. The bloodied water would be used to rejuvenate her body, making her five hundred year old body seem youthful.

The children that disobeyed her had honey and bananas force fed to them. Honey was then spread on their armpits and between their thighs. She would then dump hundreds of insects all over the child and let them eat their way into the child's body and sometimes the insects would nest inside of the unfortunate child. Some lived through this ghastly torture. Some didn't. It didn't matter to her if they did die or not as long as they had suffered intense pain.

The children that obeyed got to eat on time once a week in the room where all the children would be gathered to gawk upon their friends wounds and meet the new victims that would replace the dead ones. There they were fed and sprayed with boiling hot water so they wouldn't stink up the basement with their putrid stench. If she was going to torture them, why smell them? When they were locked up in their own rooms, the good children were whipped across the stomach, their arms, and sometimes their face.

The ones who tried to escape endured the worst torment imaginable, the rat bucket. A bucket of rats was tied around their stomach, then the bottom of the bucket would be set on fire, causing the rats wanting to escape. They would claw their way into the child and then chew their way out the back. These children usually died for none, not even the strongest child, could live through such pain.

Today she had the chance to use that torture. Five year old Annabeth tried to escape during one of the weekly gatherings recently. Annabeth struggled against the chains as she tied the bucket around the girl's stomach and set the bottom of the bucket aflame. She left sastified as she heard the scratches of the rats as they tried to claw their way through the girl's stomach. The girl screamed as she walked out the door.


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Thu Sep 14, 2017 9:31 am
Casanova wrote a review...



Heya, Lost! Gooseluck here to do a review for you so let's take flight shall we?

The first thing I noticed right off the bat this time was the horror, and that was refreshing. Although for some reason whenever you saidd torture the repulsive children for some reason I read it as jokingly and I laughed, so now I feel bad for that.. But anyway, let's get back to the review at hand.

I have the same problem in this one as I had in the last one, and that's how rushed that it just feels. Maybe it's the shortness of the chapter or something of the sort, but it does feel rushed. I feel like you could go more in detail about the torture, you could go more in detail about the surroundings, you could go more in detail about thoughts from the victims or the perp, or you could add some snide dialogue between the torturer and the victim if you wanted to and see if that would help it out a bit, because there's a lot of things that you could do here if you wanted that you could easily add in, but that's just me and you can take everything I say with a grain of salt.

Overall I didn't notice any grammar or punctuation errors so I think that you're good on that, and I think that overall you did do a decent job for making this what it's worth.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say on this one and I hope it helped.

Keep on doing what you're doing and keep on keeping on.

Sincerely, GooseLuck




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Fri Jan 24, 2014 1:31 pm
SetSytes wrote a review...



Hard to say I 'like' this piece, when it's just child torture, but I do. I can see a huge Marquis de Sade influence in your writing, in fact I'd be amazed if you weren't familiar with 120 Days of Sodom, as there is a good deal of similarity. You write well, conveying horrific scenes quickly and effectively. With such scenes I don't think you need too much detail, although if you wanted to be grotesque you could describe them with metaphors and the like in a cruelly offhand manner.

At the moment it seems more a quick torture piece than a possibility for anything longer, but perhaps if you add more it could develop. Perhaps you could use this as the grim opener and then go back in time to when it all began, sort of thing?

Anyway, very few writers write stuff so nasty, so I'm pleased to find one that has the guts to. Not that I'm into child torture, of course. I hope the woman comes to a quite gruesome end...




lostthought says...


Oh she does. What is the 120 days of Sodom? I'm merely writing out of boredom.



SetSytes says...


Just saw you were 14. Very impressive writing for a 14 year old! I wrote absolute tripe at that age.
120 Days of Sodom is the most controversial book by the infamous writer Marquis de Sade, and possibly the most controversial book ever - certainly the most disgusting and horrific. A great deal of explicit torture in it, particularly to children. I'm not sure I'd recommend it to a 14 year old, hell I don't even much want to read it through. His book Philosophy in the Boudior (also fiction) is an easier read, though it also has a lot of sex and a bit of brutality in it too. Maybe just look the guy up rather than read his stuff, as he's a pretty interesting character, you just reminded me of his work, that's all.



SetSytes says...


The film Salo is based on 120 Days of Sodom and is a very difficult watch. But the more conventional film Quills is based on Sade's life (he's where the word sadism comes from) and is an enjoyable watch.



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Mon Dec 30, 2013 6:42 pm
MooCowPoop wrote a review...



Oh god, this is just truly horrifying and bound to cause nightmares in even the bravest reader. You are very good at describing the scene and making the reader abhor the five hundred year old lady. For a horror story, I think you are off to a good start. I like that you started off with the nasty bits first, usually horror doesn't start off that way. However, I'm wondering if perhaps you should have saved the gory bits for later. If this is the worst the woman can do to the children, then you might not have much of a story on your hands. Perhaps you should start off a little more about who this woman is. I like that we can see part of her personality through the torturing she does, but that might be too much for the reader to take in on the first chapter.

I agree with DarkPandemonium that there is no real direction this story is going for the moment. I think you should add more to this chapter to let the reader know that this story will be resolved later on instead of leaving him or her with the cliffhanger of Anabeth, who, I am wondering whether or not will be mentioned later on the story. Surely you gave her a name for a reason and she and none these other children could have died in vain, right? I hope. ;)

In the last paragraph you use a lot of pronouns that confused me about who was doing what ( excessive use of 'she did this and that'). At first I didn't know which 'she' you were talking about. Maybe if you said "the woman" at some points, that would be easier to understand.

There is not much else for me to say since this is only the first chapter. You've got the horror thing on point though. I'm interested in seeing where this story will be going. I'll keep my eye out for updates.




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Mon Dec 30, 2013 3:16 pm
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Panikos wrote a review...



Okayy...hey there, Lostthought. I'll be reviewing your work today.

If I could pick only one word to describe this, it would be horrifying. I'll be honest, this is a very uncomfortable piece to read; to me it just seems like a series of paragraphs detailing different torture methods and how they are utilised on children. And that makes me - and I'm sure I wouldn't be the only one - feel a bit sick. Perhaps its because no motion is made towards an actual plot within the whole chapter, the closest you get to it being a mention that she uses the children's blood to stay young. It's constantly gruesome rather than shocking or effective. You can mention some aspects of the torture, but don't give an overload on the details because all you'll do is alienate the reader.

I can stomach reading about violence, but this contains little else. I don't really know how to review the content because there's no direction taken within the chapter - I don't know why these children are here, I don't know who the main woman is, I don't know why she likes torture, and I don't know anything about the setting. At the moment, this piece is just a slab of writing about screaming children.

So, how do you improve? Focus less on unpleasant description and more on crafting a plot and setting up a story. I'm not entirely sure why you're writing from the perspective of such an inhuman, callous sadist, but if you want to do that then you're going to have to get right into her mind and try and make us start to understand her. Expand on why she does what she does rather than just what she does, if you get what I mean.

I don't have much else to say. There were a couple of little hiccups in the writing, but I'll leave the next reviewer to point those out. For now, all I can suggest is that you flesh this out a little more.

Hope I helped a bit! PM me if you have any concerns or questions.

Keep writing! :)

~Pan





Everything has a consequence and every consequence leads to death.
— kattee