Published January 17, 2008
Movement in darkness
I slip out from beneath sordid sheets
The eyes of my tempter follow my body
Agate green and offering
I make my movements slow and sensual
To highten his anticipation
"I'll be back, my love" I whisper softly
He smiles in apreciation
as he watches me walk out the door.
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
Short, simple, and to the point. I love it.
I also love how you can make me remember some sensual moments of my own. Great writing.
It is nicely written but seems to be a bit confused. At the start you call the sheets 'sordid' which doesn't give the reader the idea of the love that you describe later on. Maybe it's just me missing something though, I'm not too sure. However the opening line I do like and overall still very well written.
I like it, but there's also something I don't like about it. Perhaps it's the scene you chose to describe, or the way you described it.
The one part that really bothered me, I think, was the part about "hightening his anticipation". But then the narrator left...which kills the anticipation, doesn't it? Of course, it could just be me...
MERRY WRITING
~Bella~
i like it, its so unique. hope you eep writing!
M!M!
Short but sweet. You've captured the moment pretty well. I don't like the first line; it adds nothing to the poem, and I would think seriously about adding some punctuation. It would really help the flow if you added a few full stops et al and removed the capitals, except where a new sentence begins.
Another idea might be to play with the enjambment a little and try to work it so that the formatting adds to the picture - that is, enhance the tone by slowing down the pace and making it more seductive. It's rather blunt as it stands now, which detracts from the image you're presenting.
Cheers,
~bubbles
Nice flow and rhythm with this, but I don't get it.
lol I don't think that it was your lack of skill that has me confused, it's just me personally. My mind's been mush all day from school. But, this was really good based on what I did understand, so excellent job. 
~*Sydney*~
Two p's in appreciation. I really like this. It's short, simple, but at the same time very descriptive. Also it's not too short - it doesn't leave us hanging. It seems to look at an evening, and just take a few seconds out of it, yet quite compelling, for want of a better word. Good work.