This bed is soft I think
As I wait for the last of the streetlights outside to switch on
And the frame squeaks every time I roll over
And the pillow is lumpy
And the blankets are scratchy
And the sheets are too thin
The AC is on way way way too high- The room's frigid
The barely open blinds leak light the way a glass of ice water sweats dew drops
And the noises of students on their way to parties and clubs
Distracts an already too weary mind trying to find sanctuary in sleep
I want to play in a field of daisies
Under a neon sky and a light bulb sun
Watching dandelion fluff
Pirouette on the breeze
As we run hand in hand
And collapse into a plillowtop bed of green
I want to wander through a dark brown world
Resplendent in tones of milk chocolate and chunky peanut butter
Carpeted in velvet
With crystalline facets that reflect my form
The way you're eyes do
I want to float in a bath water sea
With the scent of hugo boss and suave healthy curl shampoo
Wafting over me like ribbons of steam
With a foggy mirror above me
And a heated towel waiting for me when I get out
I need sleep
I need silence and darkness and warmth and comfort
But most of all
I need to feel the softness of you're skin
And the lullaby of you're body heat
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
This is actually really wierd, but in a good way =]
It seemed like you were trying to go on the lnes of the narator going to sleep, but it really could of been anything, it really interested me ^.^
I Thought it flowed quite nicely too, and the lyrics were great =]
Eva XxXxX
'The room's frigid' should probably be put on another line. It ruins the flow of the stanza. And instead of 'room's', which sounds way too slang-like, write 'room is.'
I was under the impression that dew drops are caused by moisture in the air overnight? Not from a glass of ice water. You might want to fix this up, replace 'dew drops', to make it more concise.
I'm quite certain that's a spelling mistake.
hugo boss should be Hugo Boss, as it is a name. I think that healthy curl is a shampoo too? Not too sure. But if it is, the same rule applies.
And remember, 'you're' means 'you are.' If you want to say something belongs to somebody, you say 'your.'
As you can probably tell, I'm a stickler for spelling, grammar and punctuation. Apart from picking up on those few mistakes, I enjoyed this piece. It is vivid and descriptive.
It was enjoyable. I really couldn't quite catch the flow of it, but the descriptivness was great. I could feel it coming striaght from your heart, and thats all that matters.