Published October 25, 2009
I'm really nervous about what people are going to think of this, and I really hope you like it! (My first post of my own writing...)
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The house itself is blocked off by yellow tape, with the words “Crime Scene: Do Not Cross” written all over it, but yet, you can’t really call it a house. It’s more just a giant pile of rubble; gray, white, and brown pieces of wood, plaster, and cement covering what used to be some sort of foundation. Detectives and policemen swarm around it, assessing the damage and making notes on clipboards. Fifty feet back, news crews are jabbering away at the cameras, describing what has happened.
“…the police do not know what caused the explosion,” one lady is saying to a camera, “but it is assumed that if anyone was inside at the time, they would not have survived.”
There is one person who knows better. One block down the road, away from all the pandemonium, a curly-haired, hazel-eyed boy sits on a stone wall, waiting. He’s wearing a blue plaid shirt and a pair of dark jeans that are torn and ripped at the knee from numerous falls off a skateboard. A backpack sits at his feet, and he stares at it as if he’s waiting for it to begin to collect dust. His eyes slowly wander to the commotion down the street, but then he looks away as if it’s hurting him to look.
Is he waiting for nothing? In the back of his mind, he knows that it’s all over, but he’ll never admit it. Maybe it’s because he’s too proud. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want to admit that she’s gone.
Now he stares at his hands, which glow faintly in the late afternoon sunlight. He closes his eyes and bites his lip, but the glow doesn’t seem to get brighter. Frustrated, he lets go of whatever power he was gathering in his palms and lets it evaporate into the air. No energy. No way to save her.
Mentally, he can’t feel her presence in his mind. For as long as he could remember, the two were connected… connected with a bond stronger than anyone else could contemplate. They were more than just twins, they were one being, one heart, one soul. Together forever.
Or so they’d thought. Maybe their bond wasn’t that strong, because now it was broken, and he felt lost. He’d always relied on her, and now…
Does it only seem cliché to him? That they’re living a life meant for storybooks and movies? That even though he knows that she’s gone, she’ll probably end up coming back, like in all the stories? He doesn’t want to live in a Barbie princess movie, but he wants her to be okay. But the glittery, fairy-tale ending isn’t what he wants, either.
From out of nowhere, a butterfly flutters past his face and lands on his hand. Slowly, his eyes drift downwards to examine the little creature. He moves his hand closer to his face to get a better look at it. For some reason the pretty little bug seems to have some sort of significance to him. Like it was his last connection to her that he had.
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Somewhere far, far away, a girl examines an identical butterfly, and before the creature can react, rips its wings right off. If she can’t fly away, why should it be able to?
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141,440 Literary Works • 674,431 Reviews
This is really good! You caught my attention immediately.
A few nit picks...
I think you use "and" too often here.
I don't really get why he would be proud...
You don't really need to add "mentally" here, because you added "in his mind"... or you could reverse it and get rid of "in his mind."
I don't really know why, but this sentence doesn't flow very well...
I don't like the "barbie princess movie" reference, it doesn't really fit with the solemness of the rest of the story.
This needs to be one sentence, or the second sentence needs to start differently.
It flows better with "she."
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You are very talented in writing, and your beutiful with your descriptions. Keep trying, you'll amount to be an amazing writer.
Write On!
- Rach
This captured my attention immediately. I really loved the beginning but the end is what really effected me. It showed me how the girl felt, maybe bitter and angry. I really enjoyed the ending and for a some reason I felt that girls emotion more minute. A good writer is able to do that! Way to go! keep it up!
Hey,
It seems that everyone has already critiqued this but I would just like to say that I really enjoyed this. I think that the very end (when she rips the wings off the butterfly) has a lot of meaning which I liked. This part really gets your feelings across.
Well great job and I hope that you continue on with this because I think that there is much more to the story.
-Cait
This is what made me read
The story is great though and keep it up! ^_^
Some people call me Kate too, but I normally go by Kylie. (Short for Katheryn.)
Anyway, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you (x1000000000) for the reviews! I felt like you needed something for thanks, so...
YOU GET A PINK DANCING ELEPHANT!!
Anyway... thank you. I'll certainally consider everything you said. It makes me happy that you actually liked it!
Yup. All done now.
PS. Anyone else who reviews gets a pink dancing elephant too!
~ Kylie
Wow that's wierd, my name is Kate too!
Really good work, but the story seemed a little slow/emotionless to me. Emphasis on the emotionless; especially in the last paragraph. It wasn't a particuarly strong finish, in my view.
"Now he stares at his hands, which glow faintly in the late afternoon sunlight. He closes his eyes and bites his lip, but the glow doesn’t seem to get brighter. Frustrated, he lets go of whatever power he was gathering in his palms and lets it evaporate into the air. No energy. No way to save her." ~ Loved this! Awesome and very well written.
"The house itself is blocked off by yellow tape, with the words “Crime Scene: Do Not Cross” written all over it, but yet, you can’t really call it a house." ~ This too!!!!
And WonderingKate, I have to say I disagree with you on the "pretty little bug" line. I think it is perfectly fine without the comma because there are exeptions to that rule.
Really well written, but it needs a lot of reviewing and more emotion. It sounds interesting, and I would love to read more of it.
Hope I have been helpfull!!!! Please Please Please more!
Durrie.
Hello, I'm Kate
Wow! This is great! You captured my attention from the very beginning. I love the fact that the twins are so close. This is a very sweet story! Are you going to keep writing? I hope you are.
There are just a few nit-picks I should point out:
This sentence is just a little confusing.
You seem to have a tendency to use the word 'and' a lot. (I do too.
There's nothing what-so-ever wrong with this sentence. I love it!
In this sentence, there should be a comma after 'pretty' and 'little'.
Wow! I absolutely love this story. I can't wait for you to write a continuation. You will write one, right?
I hope I was of some help. PM me if you have any other questions.
-Kate