Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
It's a pit of relentless bad decions. There's a smell of tobacco and hopelessness in the air as you open the front door. You get the feeling that only regulars come here and anyone new will get the evil eye. There's always someone sitting in a chair facing the door, getting you with a blank bold face stare. You almost don't know what to say. But there's no need. It's obvious that this person wont have a response. A look past this seated swine and there's a welcoming bar. That's always a good place to start. Have a beer, loosen up. The bartender greets you with a fiendish smile. Compared to the over priced beverages, the smile doesn't look to bad. But where are the people? The music? It's clear that I'm the only person they've seen all night. And it's almost midnight. Just as I finish my beer that begin to play county rock and women slithered out of the bathroom. Slime dripping from their mouths and noses. Veteran man eaters. Startling at first, but this is why I came. I can't forget the reason and I know better than to question it. I caught myself starring off into space when I started to hear a voice. It took me second to realize that it was my thoughts but one of the ladies talking to me. It was easy to see that she was in charge. Asking me who I am and where im from. Not really giving me a chance to respond. But as she finally takes a breath, adjusting her bra, I have a second to ask "is this place always emtpy?" I look at my phone and its been two hours! Where has the time gone!? Just then, a heard of people walk through the door and she says "the party is just getting started." "Dear god!" I thought. Reptiles, everywhere, adjusting their pants as they come through the door. Most are male but there were about a dozen female. It's a late night fiasco full of renegade minds committing eveey sin without any regret or shame. I'm barely on the out-skirts watching the cold blooded reptiles make their way to the center. The night is going like I planned, sit back, commentate, and wait for something. I just wasnt sure what I was waiting for. There's a situation coming on strong, I can tell from the looks and vibrations in the air. Marijuana is being put in pipes and cocaine on glass. These mutants are insane. Not because of the drugs, but because three have approached me. Two male one female. "What are you doing here?" "Who sent you?" "This is a private party, asshole!" .... to be continued
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Well...this seems like a really interesting idea...its got its flaws from what I can see here on the surface...but the idea certainly seems nice...anyway more details below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm.....well that was a very interesting story there to say the least. Wow there's a lot happening in that one....and just soo many unexpected things there. The idea there as a whole I can definitely get behind, it seems like it would make for a pretty neat story and I like how this is definitely just the first part because the ending definitely works out really well as the ending to the start of a story.
The reptilian monsters being described here certainly seem like they would make for a really interesting bunch and then the fact this is some sort of private party/ gathering for all of them really adds to the overall mystery of this piece.
The main issue that I have with this piece is just he overall flow of the story and also the lack of paragraphs. It just seems to be a large blob that's trying to tell us quite a few phases of the story all at once. And this along with the fact the characters thoughts seem vague and broad at one point only to suddenly start notice small details here and there also makes it flow just a bit awkwardly. So...all in all...I would say, just trying to expand on this a little bit would be a really good idea here. The story itself sounds really cool but it could do with a bit better presentation.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall...this has some room for improvement but I do think it definitely makes for an interesting story. Well...at any rate, that's all I've gotta say here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I really do think punctuation is important in this story. It is my first in a public forum. The rest will have paragraphs and better quotations. But I can't guarantee perfect ones.
Hello, lostdelacreme! Raven here to give you a review! Now, before I begin... I must say... WELCOME TO YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here and have long happy stay! However, now that, that's out of the way: I shall get onto the actual review part.
For example: whenever a new person starts talking, break it. When the scene shifts, break it. Whenever there is a new idea, break it! 
Well! I shall proclaim, I have never really read second person stories before! So I am intrigued by this story already! Although, it seems to slip into the first as I read on. Is there a reason for that? I'm just wondering.
There are a few problems with the spacing of the work. This is all in one big paragraph, making it harder to read. I'd suggest breaking it up into more parts.
Oh good gosh, monster women? That is frighting. The way they were first described gave me the impression that they were, in fact, some sort of reptile. I like the fact that the description was used to that advantage! It gives the reader a hint and makes us chuckle at the brilliance of the author.
This is sort of a personal opinion, but having thoughts in double quotation marks really irks me. Perhaps, have it in italics? It gives the reader the sense that it is the MC's mind. (Also, one more thing. This story looks like it is in the present tense. So, perhaps "think" would be used there. Since that is the present tense of "thought.")
There are few grammar mistakes that can be fixed easily. However, I shall point them out! The correction will be in bold.
I now understand the title! (Which sorta gives some of the story away... but I think that's called for.) These mutants that we are seeing are Gila monsters, and do they eat people? From what I have read, Gila monsters is a species of venomous lizards that serve no threat to humans. So these mutants must be "evil" on their own accord...
I hope you keep on writing! (I would also love to know when you post something else.)
~Rae,
Email me at Juanhc38765@Gmail.com. I can give the rest of th description of the story. There's only so much I can put but I can sure use the opinions
hi,
i like this story. its very original. you made a few grammatical errors here and there but these can simply be corrected. Also make more use of punctuations. One other thing is you should paragraph your work. i liked the story line, it was interesting but unusual making it a compelling read. I'd like to see more of your work. Also i dont really understand whats going on. what type of club is she in? who are these people? id love the answers in your sequels
p.s put the to be continued in a more dramatic way. bold and dark to give it this sorta spooky look.
love to see more
xx
Please email me at Juanhc38765@gmail.com. I'm having a hard time putting my work out and I love your advice