You look out
And see a single flickering star,
Like a last hope,
Lost among the warnings and signals.
Your nose is treated
By the clear, clean, fresh blue.
The sound of nothingness
Fills your ears, loud as a bari’s blow.
A scitter-scatter here,
And your ears are soon open.
Open to the other end of the earth,
To the deepest vessel in your mind.
Your tongue can taste the cold,
Giving it a chance to get ready
For all the new tastes tomorrow brings.
And you soon know what clarity tastes like.
Every inch of your body is covered
By the ice-warm pelt of the night.
It seeps into every pore,
And pulls out every fiber of your being,
Known or unknown to you.
You feel the shadows,
Dying to show you the beauty they hide.
Trying to make you see,
That all you see,
Is not always all there is to see.
These things, these obscurities,
All hide during the day,
When all things are visibly clear
As if they are trying to say,
Something with a tear.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
I liked the concept of this poem, and I also enjoyed much of your description, you have talent with imagery (which is, as far as I'm concerned, one of the most important elements of writing.)
The problem is that I neither enjoyed the flow nor some of your word choices. I felt like you were trying so hard to make it speacial that it just lost itself on the way. I particularily enjoyed the first three lines, but it steadily declined, I'm sorry to say, although it almost redeeemed itself with
these lines:
"You feel the shadows,
Dying to show you the beauty they hide"
Hrrmm... I cannot say how I think you can fix this as yet, perhaps -and I hate to say this because I hardly understand it myslef- if you were to Show more rather than Tell. The words you use explain what is happening, but it is all a little clinical, there's no room for me to feel anything when I read it, no percieved reason to.
Hrrmm I realise I may not be as helpful as I thought I could be >.<
If you have any questions or want advice, or even to yell at me for a silly crit, feel free to pm me ^.^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.