Affection is the soft slow strum
Of a piano, played by a passionate lover.
Each key, each note, chosen carefully
To create the image of love; tenderness.
From the strings, that lay like organs
In the chest of the piano,
Emanates a sound, carrying with it
A love-scent, which enters every one of your atoms,
And injects them with the feeling of
Your lovers skin, and tricks your eyes into
Seeing yourself left with your one and only.
You hear the wind blowing, as if it were doing so
Just for the two of you.
The taste of love, sweet on your tongue.
You then hear the note begin to fade,
For nothing lasts forever. The long in your soul
Begins to ache, but then the scale comes to
mind. You feel all eight notes,
The number turns, and infinity seems plausible.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Sounds like you have great experience in matters of love. I love it. Help me out in that area sometime man. haha.
wow really good, i love the way u combined the piano with love, because thats the feeling tat i get when i hear a passionate pianest play, also the way that love relating to music
wow really good, i love the way u combined the piano with love, because thats the feeling tat i get when i hear a passionate pianest play, also the way that love relating to music
While I had some small problems with the flow of this I think it may be attributed (as Amelia mentioned) to the spaces inbetween the lines. However that was my main problem.
Other then that I loved this, I adored the imagery and I thought your wording and description was lovely. I do, however, agree with the title, perhaps something like "To Play" or something that indicated the music element? (just suggestions ^.^)
Once again, I quite like this, it is both quirky and heartfelt, and was able to keep my attention: well done ^.^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
This is a really lovely piece. I agree with Amelia about the spacing.
I love the alliteration of the first line, it sounds really melodic, which is appropriate for the piece. Though, that said, I'm not sure that "strum" is quite right. How many people strum a piano? Maybe "sound"?
I also like the alliteration of the second line. I think I'd change the third to:
"Each note carefully chosen", as I think by reversing the syntax of the last two words, the line flows better. I don't think "each key" is neccessary, as you'd tend to chose the notes rather than the keys, and you've already mentioned the notes.
My favourite part was:"From the strings that lay like organs
In the chest of the piano."
It was really fresh, and the use of the word "organs" made me smile.
I'm not sure about "love-scent." I think it's too vague to make me feel anything signifigant.
I'd also change "your one and only" as it's a little cliche. I'd also rework lines twelve to fourteen, as they're a bit weaker than some of the lovely lines which you have here. If you'd like to keep the bit about the taste, maybe try to find a word other than "sweet." Can the love taste like anything else?
The ending was really wonderful. It was a great conclusion to the piece. I won't repeat what has been said of it save to say that it was lovely.
Hope this helps!
First of all, the spaces between lines aren't really necessary; they make it a bit difficult to read, actually.
^ eh, you're kind of moving from sounds to visuals here, and I don't know if the comparison holds. I see how you expand this in the lines following, but it seems like the line itself is unnecessary, like giving a summary and then telling the story when you could've just jumped right in to the story.
These lines seem random in both their placement and what they have to say.
The first line is alright, but I think could be a little more evocative. The second line does nothing but state the obvious.
The long... what?
I see what you mean about the number, after a minute. It's a lovely image, in fact. It seems a tad oddly worded though, since you're talking about notes, and then talking about a number, whereas the first half of the sentence/phrase is about a musical note, the second half is about a number, and I didn't make the connection right away. I don't know if that was just me being... me, or if it's odd logic to think about.
Like the format, the content of the poem seems a tad spread out. I think it could be generally condensed, everything as carefully, purposely said as possible.
PM me if you have any questions
-Amelia
Very nice, very beautiful. Well, I've got no constructive criticism, but I liked it!
Very romantic. Makes me want to fall in love with a pianist.
I loved your poem, the style is smooth and there is a lovely music in the words.
You have created a very mushy, beautiful atmosphere in your poem which enchants me.
Only one typeing error:
You missed the apostrophe in the 2nd word ("lover's")
But, the title is a little turn-off ()or maybe it's just me)
Aw Man Jared, I really liked this.
I really wish I had more time to review it for you but I need to go to bed. But I still wanted to say that it's really good. Especially for your first one up here. ^_^
Keep up the good work!
Love,
Lindsay