Young Writers Society

This song was... a bit extreme I might say. It feels really, really angry, but I think that's what you try to achieve here. Some of the rhyming is off, and a few lines feel forced.

But you over and over rip my veins

They will try to kill your inner emotions!
Don’t let them stop you with their pity commotions!
Stand up for yourself, for your friends!
Don’t let them win the haunts!
Those sorry ass cunts!
Do what you think is good!
Complete the rite!
Win the fight!

I really liked this. I'm not really the heavy metal type but I could really hear this song in my head. The lyrics felt really real to me. This whole thing was very well-written.
Nice job! Gold star for you!

-Carly

Hi, hi...

My dear, i loved those lyrics, i love the way how it was punctuated, those lyrics had rythem you were feeling the vibes when you read those lyrics...


Thouugh it had some minor faults that my friend has pointed out.

They will try to kill your inner emotions!
Don’t let them stop you with their pity commotions!
This line breaks the rhythm, and the rhyme doesn't flow well. Make the line shorter.
Stand up for yourself, for your friends!
Don’t let them win the haunts!
Those sorry ass cunts!
Do what you think is good!
Complete the right Um sorry, but I don't get this line.
Win the fight!

Okay, your song here, it's kind of extreme. I'm no that good with lyrics, but they're similar to poems. I have to say at the beginning that this conveys strong emotion, but the use of curses is a bit too much, I think. And the rhythm and flow is a bit off. Example:

They will try to kill your inner emotions!
Don’t let them stop you with their pity commotions!
This line breaks the rhythm, and the rhyme doesn't flow well. Make the line shorter.
Stand up for yourself, for your friends!
Don’t let them win the haunts!
Those sorry ass cunts!
Do what you think is good!
Complete the right Um sorry, but I don't get this line.
Win the fight!