Young Writers Society

Thanks for the commentaries! But I must say the last time I read this song was half a year ago. To me this song now sucks beacuse it feels like that I am being a victem also I am actually being loser in this song. I think the reason I wrote this song was beacuse I was angry and I couldn't controll my emotions.

lordgluzman wrote:Can’t Take the Pain

I liked you,
I though you joined my friend crew.
But you listened to your other friends,
My heart bends!

It hurts in there,
But you and your freak masters don’t care.
You make fun of me,
I didn’t believe that this had to be.
I tried to forget about it,
But I can’ take the pain.
In my eyes it starts to rain! (Painful scream)

I want to cry,
On those days I feel so lonely.
Sometimes I want burst my anger out on you,
My bright side begins to fry!

There are days when my face is blood red,
I grab my pillow and beat the bed.
There are days when I and my friends fire,
But in the end to puzzle goes back tighter.
You my dear enemy are different!

You made fun of me!!! [only one ! here, I no it's fun to put like 3, and I do it too, but it's not 'proffesional']
I didn’t believe that this had to be,
I tried to forget about it.
But I can’ take the pain,
In my eyes it starts to rain! (Painful scream)

(Thrash Metal solo with guitar and drums)

It was a huge number of years!
I controlled my evil!
And I will still control!
But my respect for you died!
It evaporated in my heart as I cried!


I will still stay strong. (Echo Scream)


It won’t be long. (Echo Scream)

I wonet take the pain [won't take the pain]
In my eyes it wonet rain (Calmly) [won't rain]

I will past the angry street...
I still live...
I still have friends.....
I still have an angel next to me.....
This is what will be!

I am on it!

i find this song very relatable to.
what's written about is very real.
i like how it all flows so nicely; its not necessary to know the music for it. i made my own xD haha.
i dont really see it as a rock and roll or screamo song (as it seems like you're trying to make it), but maybe soft rock? the lyrics are too...i dont know, nice to be a screamo.
use your punctuation too; that helps.
and that fact that you want to "squirt" your anger...that doesnt sound just right in a metal song. make it like, throw or burst or aim or something. squirt doesnt seem right.

Nice, nice.

So this is metal.... right?

Sooooo. Where to start?



Wait I know!!!!

PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


>Remember the: . and ! and ? and , :s


>

I want to cry
On those days I feel so lonely
Sometimes I want squirt my anger out on you
My bright side begins to fry

There are days when my face is blood red
I grab my pillow and beat the bed
There are days when I and my friends fire
But in the end to puzzle goes back tighter
You my dear enemy are different

Thanks but I don't really know what then should I add.

Hello lordgluzman,

I really like the flow you have to this song, it was easy to read wothout knowing the music. Also I like how "round" your song is in itself, it's a closed storyline wich is easily relateable to for teenagers.

There were however a couple of things I think you could work on:

1) In some places I thought it was a little overdone, for example here:

There are days when my face is blood red
I grab my pillow and beat the bed
There are days when I and my friends fire
But in the end to puzzle goes back tighter
You my dear enemy are different

This sounds pretty bad and pretty dramatic. Then the next line is

[EDIT: Not bad in the sense of its badly written, but in the sense of a blood red face sounds like a bad situation!]

You made fun of me


And the verse before sounds like an enormous overreaction. Doesn't really contribute to the songs credibility, does it?



2) Rhyming

Okay , very single song writer I suppose has been here. Rhyming can be very useful to make your songs vivid and flow well. However there are two big traps every one of us has fallen into:

a) Over rhyming, which you haven't.

b) Using rhymes that have simply been used so often that no one can hear them anymore without wincing.

Example: fly, high, sky

But one that's even more common than that one is: rain and pain

It appears in pretty much every teenagers song writing. Mine included. (But I actually topped it. I think I rhymed pain with rain with shame with in vain, which was everything: an overkill, over rhymed, angsty and of course using those overused rhymes.)


3) Title

For this I am actually going to tell you the same thing as for rhyming. There are titles that have just been done. Can't take the pain is absolutely one of them. It's a line I used so often that it came out of my ears and my nose. Everyone uses it. The word pain in general is one you should be careful with, because everyeveryeveryone uses it all the time. (A good article on word choice can be found in the knowledge base. I pretty much recommend it to every lyric writer, because wording is essential. Every word in your song must count, that just as a side note, though.)


I think that's my two cents for today. If you have questions just drop me a PM. Hope I was able to be some help to you!

Best,
~Kalliope