Hi looseleaf,
Mailice here with a short review! 
You have chosen a very good choice of words and metaphors to draw the reader's attention to the story with the introduction. It's just these short interjections in short sentences that makes it seem as if someone experienced is talking about something they witnessed a long time ago.
The course of the story was exciting, even if it was a little confusing at times, which I think was also your intention. After the second reading, and knowledge that I grasped the first time, some parts become clearer. The tension you build is well done, and for a prologue, this prospect is like the first five minutes of a feature film to get the audience's attention.
You've done that well here, too, although I also think there are some passages that go a little too fast. Precisely because not very much is explained or described, there is, in a way, a lack of grip for the reader.
The reader doesn't necessarily need to know where Florette and Co. are right now or why they are doing something that has to do with time travel, but the reader needs to know what exactly the place is where they are. Describing a bit of what something looks like or even giving a glimpse of information about what Florette looks like or a feature so that the reader has something tangible is important here.
Florette was with William when he died.
Since there are only a few paragraphs between this sentence and William's death, I don't know how relevant the sentence is now, since it is already a certain kind of spoiler for later. Especially in the previous first paragraph you already describe that some people died, and here you are just repeating yourself in detail.
I would leave it out or put it in the first paragraph and then expand on the second, what the relationship was between Florette and William and how they met and how this mission came about. Especially with his death and also later on, you clearly notice that Florette seemed to like William a lot and that's where the relationship is still missing to some extent for me.
You've written an exciting story that is still a little unpolished, but I think you can develop a very interesting plot out of it. And by the way, I like Florette´s name.
Mailice.
Points: 0
Reviews: 1232
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