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12+ Language Violence

Assembly of Absolutists - Prologue

by looseleaf


Word Count: 799
Warnings: Death by bullet wound, military (?), it's pretty bad and wording

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In the beginning, there were eleven of them. Eleven volunteers. Now seven of them are just names on a wall. Seven isn’t a lot when you think about it. Seven dollars can hardly buy you a coffee and snack at most cafes. But in the context of human lives reduced to names written in sharpie, it is a lot. Even one would be a lot.

Florette was with William when he died. They had been assigned the hardest mission out of the two that day, but both walked into it with confidence. William had infiltrated military bases before, and despite how much she despised it, Florette was used to tagging along, doing nothing more than fitting into smaller places and occasionally acting as his secretary.

They were caught, as Florette warned William they would if he tried to fit through the air duct. Instead of crawling through the air duct and finding a safe way out of the base, William and Florette were chased through the base by armed servicemen, trying as best they could to find the exit that led to their car. Then, suddenly, there was a loud bang.

Florette looked back for only a split second, but it was enough to give her nightmares for more than a year. William had been shot in his back, and, unbeknownst to Florette, the bullet had hit his lungs.

“Please, Florette..” William said, gasping for air that his now penetrated lungs couldn’t hold, but Florette hardly heard him. She was already down the hall, gaining valuable space in between her and the men. William collapsed onto the floor and died, alone, moments later.

Florette swiftly made her way through the winding hallways and confused people to find herself on the open road. She made a mad dash from the base to the car, tears blocking her vision. Men started shouting behind her, dogs started barking, and an alarm blared over the speakers. Florette ran faster than she ever had in her life, just trying to make it to the van and escape death.
Mr. Johnson hastily swung open the backdoor, having been awoken from his nap only a moment ago.

“Come on!” He shouted, crawling into the front seat. Florette had barely entered the van as Mr. Johnson pressed on the gas, sending her hurtling forwards.

“You want to man the gun in case?” Mr. Johnson asked, tossing Florette a pistol. She sighed and tossed it to the side. There was a moment of silence before Mr. Johnson spoke again, “You’re right, Russians alwa- where’s Mr. Bride?”

“I don’t know,” Florette said, wiping the tears off her cheeks. She didn’t want Mr. Johnson to see her cry. He would think she was weak.

“You left him?!” Mr. Johnson exclaimed. He spun the steering wheel to the left and they were finally on the open road. There were still servicemen following them, but they had lost distance and were now retreating to follow them by helicopter and other vehicles.

“I don’t know!” Florette said, covering her face with her hands.

“You don’t know? How do you not.. nevermind,” Mr. Johnson sighed and put more weight on the gas pedal. They were nearing a long, straight stretch of the road. He adjusted the steering wheel so that the van was pointing straight, then he crawled into the back, landing next to Florette, “Stop crying and help me get the machine started.”

“Can you plea-”

“Stop crying and help me get the machine started, Miss. Travere! That’s an order!”

Florette stood but had to bend over so that she could stand comfortably. Mr. Johnson took the sheet of the machine. Ms. LaPore had compared it to the size of a casket once. There was no room to fit inside of it, which Florette was forever grateful for. Caskets scared her.

She quickly flipped the switch that turned on the machine and began typing in dates.

“What day is it?”

“The fourth of May 2019.”

“What day did we leave?”

“The ninth of June, 2021.”

“Alright,” Florette mumbled. Her fingers shook with every key she pressed. If she didn’t set the dates soon, both she and Mr. Johnson would end up like William.

The sound of helicopter blades whirring rang in both of their ears.

“Are you finished, Miss. Travere?!” Mr. Johnson exclaimed.

“Yeah!”

“Then what are you doing?! Press the damn button!”


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Mon Apr 12, 2021 9:16 am
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MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...



Hi looseleaf,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

You have chosen a very good choice of words and metaphors to draw the reader's attention to the story with the introduction. It's just these short interjections in short sentences that makes it seem as if someone experienced is talking about something they witnessed a long time ago.

The course of the story was exciting, even if it was a little confusing at times, which I think was also your intention. After the second reading, and knowledge that I grasped the first time, some parts become clearer. The tension you build is well done, and for a prologue, this prospect is like the first five minutes of a feature film to get the audience's attention.

You've done that well here, too, although I also think there are some passages that go a little too fast. Precisely because not very much is explained or described, there is, in a way, a lack of grip for the reader.
The reader doesn't necessarily need to know where Florette and Co. are right now or why they are doing something that has to do with time travel, but the reader needs to know what exactly the place is where they are. Describing a bit of what something looks like or even giving a glimpse of information about what Florette looks like or a feature so that the reader has something tangible is important here.

Florette was with William when he died.


Since there are only a few paragraphs between this sentence and William's death, I don't know how relevant the sentence is now, since it is already a certain kind of spoiler for later. Especially in the previous first paragraph you already describe that some people died, and here you are just repeating yourself in detail.
I would leave it out or put it in the first paragraph and then expand on the second, what the relationship was between Florette and William and how they met and how this mission came about. Especially with his death and also later on, you clearly notice that Florette seemed to like William a lot and that's where the relationship is still missing to some extent for me.

You've written an exciting story that is still a little unpolished, but I think you can develop a very interesting plot out of it. And by the way, I like Florette´s name. :D

Mailice.




looseleaf says...


Thank you so much! I'll keep your suggestions in mind when I edit it. :D



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Sun Apr 11, 2021 3:26 am
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MomoMajesty says...



AHHHHHH LZ I LOVE THIS SO MUCH PLEASE TAG ME WHEN MORE CHAPTERS COME OUT JAGDYEGDUDGDJCHDJ IT WAS SO GOOOOOOOOOOD




looseleaf says...


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OKKKKK



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Sun Apr 11, 2021 2:19 am
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cidrianwritersguild wrote a review...



Now, don't take this the wrong way, we're just very blunt, but the best way to describe this work is...confusing, or maybe helter skelter. Maybe that was what you were intending, but it all just plays so fast and with so little context or background that you're really left with no idea as to what was happening.

Along with that, the speed of the piece sort of removes some of the emotion from it. The beginning is solid in creating a somber tone, props to you there, but after that, it launches straight into the action and William is shot so quickly and so matter-of-factly that it barely registers in the reader's mind.

Now, in no way should you take this as us saying that this is, in any way, a bad piece. It certainly has potential to morph into a riveting story, we simply suggest that you slow it down in an attempt to heighten the emotion of the story.

So! Things you did well.

As we stated before, the beginning reads very much like a war movie. Very "A Bridge Too Far" (if you've seen that, if you haven't, you should: Sean Connery - 1977). It does well to create a somber tone and impress upon the reader the solemnity of the piece.

And finally...FLORETTE! MY GOD, WHAT A NAME! That is just brilliant and we tip our hat to you, sir/madam.

Well, that's all we have. We hope this piece does well for you.

Sláinte,

The Cidrian Writer's Guild




looseleaf says...


Thanks for the review! I understand this piece has a weird pace to it.. it sort of felt weird when I was editing it, so now I understand why! I didn't want to spend too much time on it, though (which, in hindsight, wasn't a very good idea :P), because it was the prologue. But thank you for the review and for liking her name (and the movie recommendation - Sean Connery was my second favorite Bond, so I'll be sure to watch it!)!





We're sorry, but, while we have acknowledged and taken to heart the other aspects of your comment we must say...second favorite?! He was the original! The pioneer! The bona fide! We're sorry to inform you that we must start a flame war with you over this.



looseleaf says...


Just because someone's the original doesn't make them the best! I agree that Connery is great, but he isn't the best. Timothy Dalton's Bond is definitely the greatest because it was so different and almost dark, unlike all the other Bonds, which were sort of humorous.





Fair, but Connery set the example. The original is the one who sets the idea for who his replacements should be. Connery was the king of the one liner and, for example, that's what the next Bond, Roger Moore, tried to do. He tried to follow the example set by Connery.




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