Published January 1, 2007
This is a poem that tells of a boy,
Shy and retiring, naturally coy,
Love he craved but from attention he shied,
Gave out the opinion he had everything to hide.
This is a poem of a girl with no friends,
Twice she had thought of bringing the end,
A heart that gives love but does not receive,
She doesn't know how to laugh and so she greives.
This is the poem of when they both met,
The girl said nothing, in her ways she was set.
The boy however, found for the first time his voice.
The girl smiled and replied, and inwardly rejoiced.
This is the poem of how they were friends,
Would not seperate for means or for ends,
Shared secrets and jokes, cured eachothers strife,
For them every day was the best of their life.
This is the poem of how it all ended,
Cut of the root, never to be mended
It was an innocent act, though seemed cruel,
Both sent off to a different school.
This is a poem of the real world and so,
Did they meet again? the answer is no,
But even though He knows his chances are slim,
He wishes for her daily, and her for him.
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140,836 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
i'm not going to argue with you for what is your personal opinion no worries! If you could do something for me though, could you explain how to make it more engaging? because I understand everything everyone has said about it, but I don't really understand how to MAKE it better...
But please please read it all the way through, even if its only to use it for quotes! It really would mean a lot 2 me!
izzy, dramagurly and sohini thanks! obviously enough I have quite a lot to work on here but maybe its not a lost cause if SOMEONE liked it!
x frm lucy
I'm sure there will be some backlash, but I'm agreeing with Phorcys about the rhyming. Honestly, I stopped reading it halfway through because it didn't catch my attention.
My only suggestion, then, is to make it more engaging to the reader.
i enjoyed this poem just as it is...
i personally think that the rhyming was perfect because i luv wen poems rhyme
it makes it make more sense to me
i sensibaley luved it wen they met
but wen they were both sent off to differ skools i was sad
he he i cud feel like i was the gurl in this poem
great job!
i think this poemis really well done. i like the rhyming as well.
real life really well potrayed. this poem reminds me of two someones i knew...hint^^
anyway, i love the story-telling pattern.
Heh. Stick to critiquing guys, and avoid critiquing critiques
Claudette ->> Turn that into an article for Squills!
looby-lou ->> Welcome to YWS! It's good to see that you're using the critiques to improve your writing, but never ever call something you wrote bad! Enjoy your own poetry/stories and keep on writing to continue improving them.
As has been noted before, doubtless, a piece of poetry or fiction is not an excuse or a place to debate each other's critiques. Critique the work.
Any more responses here that do not directly respond to the poem (and avoid entirely the controversy) will force me to lock the poor thing. Yes? Thanks very much.
(And Claudette - next time PM rather than reply in the topic. Admirable intent there, but in the wrong place.)
IMP
Eh.
Gosh, I can't believe I'm doing this... really, Looby-lou, please for give me greatly for what I am about to do because I feel bad enough as it is.
Izzy, we are not going to fight about this anymore. There is no reason to fight. This is stupid, and childish. All it takes is for you (And, me being a hypocrite right now, admittedly, me too) to stop replying to what we say.
I'm going to point out errors with what you just said, only because I feel a point is trying to be made. But I would like to be clear how much I HATE doing this, and would prefer doing it through PM, but I more want to get the point to the author and to others if they see, not just you.
So, yes, before I even start, forgive me. (I feel horrible.)
She can write about what ever she wants, true. So true. It is a suggestion, though, that would help one improve there writing. Her being her means she wishes to grow as a writer, and one way to do that is to be original. Cliches do not publish.
I (speaking for no one else but me), to my best ability's told her how she could improve, and help the poem, and then improve with later workings. To the best of what I can do, I helped her and in turn helped the poem.
This isn't something to get over. Critiques, in there base form, are opinions and with all opinions you can take it or leave it. If she is not upset, then you do not need to argue for her. We are helping the poem and giving her our opinions on it, otherwise, if she liked it as-is should she not have posted it at all? She asked for are opinions (Which could be substituted for 'critiques' mind) and we gave them. If this was your work, I would have shut up long ago. But you are arguing for someone who is thanking us greatly! Doesn't that seem wrong?
I'm finished now. Please, will you forgive me? I know this is a horrible thing to do, I feel like I'm smudging my reputation or something... But I want to make a point because, Izzy, you are not doing anything wrong but it's not helpful to argue and you are a good critique, I would hate for you to get upset and leave the site (or something) because of this. And others need to know, otherwise, as I said, this would have only been in a PM.
Yours Sincerely,
Claudette
tell you what, we shall all now back away from the evil poem, and leave the topic alone...
No seriously i thank you all for the comments because this way I might actually learn something. If I do, I salute you guys because thats more than any teachers ever done!
x frm lucy
Okay yeah I'm feeling you Izzy, first off I am not demanding any change, let the poem be. This is just feedback and information you may need for your further writing. Don't wanna use it? No problem, I'm just trying to give some helpfull notes here
Golly, I won't surrender ! gnagna
There, Claud's quote
Cheerios, Chandni
ok,this is starting to annoy me.
1)So what if the topic is not original,if she wants to write about it let her.Why should she have to write about flying sheep or man eating robots just because other people have written about this topic first.
2)You can't just say it's boring or bad.You don't need to.You just say what could help the poem.
3)Stop telling her to completely change the essence of the poem.Don't make it rhyme,tell it differently.It's her writing,she wants it to rhyme and she wants to tell it like that so get over it!
I like it how it is.It fits together well and flows.Some of the rymes aren't the best but rhyming's hard.
I don't really have time to do a full critique as of right now, but for now I will say this: SHOW ME Don't TELL ME. This is not a ballad, thus you can't say "Come gather ye children its time that ye learned..." or anything similar. Show me with your words don't just say "x happened, then y, then z"
BORING.
Though I hate pushing myself into critique-driven arguments, I find myself writing a reply...
No, it was not the worst thing I have ever read but I sit in agreement with Chandni, it relied too much on rhyme scheme when it didn't need it. I also second the idea that the theme was not original.
But I think what I have to mention now (and I am only guessing) has not been mentioned yet. You referenced the poem itself within the poem, and I didn't like that at all. Rather than show us the poem, you showed us a poem about the poem. I don't like that. Why tell us about the poem? Give us the actual poem. It's my thought (and others may also agree) that you should not reference to what you are writing while you are writing it or if you do, but very careful about it. Because in this case, you never made it to the actual poem (and I am beginning to repeat myself) you just wrote about the poem about the poem.
Like I said, the poem felt like you were hanging too strongly on the rhyme scheme. I suggest you read other poetry, get a feel for how it works and what its about. Go read some stuff by the poets here, we have a lot of good ones around. There are also some tips on how to write poetry, all of it will help.
Don't worry if you start out bad, everything you do leads to improvement.
looby-lou, what we're basically trying to say is that it looks like you've been using forced rhyming to bring your essence forward, which wasn't nescesarry.
you too miss priss 
Poetry does not have to rhyme, and it seems to me you've put yourself at this point saying: "I have to make this poem rhyme, or else"
Not to mention this topic is over-the-top not original, you've added the forced rhyming scene which just cut it off for me.
Please don't take this as an insult or anything, I'm just trying to make some things clear, and help you in your further writing, such as I have been helped
And Cadmium thanks for giving a great feedback to this poem for what it was
Cheerios, Chandni
I think it's really good.You'd never know we were basically the same age and grew up together because I don't know what half of those words mean!
I think that if she wants her poem to rhyme then thats her call.I don't think it would sound right without rhyme.In my opinion rhyme is kind of what makes a poem.If it's done in the right way.I personally don't really like ones that don't rhyme.Rhyme makes it flow together.But that's just me.Each to his own etc.
Thanks for all comments- didn't expect so much!
I will follow all advice given. However I do not want to edit this poem because it is always good to have an example of what not to do.
However, I do have to disagree with one comment:
I know poems don't have to rhyme. This does not mean that no poems can rhyme. Just because something does not have to be it does not mean it can not be. Do you see what I'm getting at?
And if the rhyme killed it, then it was dead already. This was meant to be a rhyming poem.
x frm lucy
Yes indeedy, I think there are emotions in this, look.
This is a poem that tells of a boy,
Shy and retiring, naturally coy,
Love he craved but from attention he shied,
Gave out the opinion he had everything to hide.
This is a poem of a girl with no friends,
Twice she had thought of bringing the end,
A heart that gives love but does not receive,
She doesn't know how to laugh and so she greives.
This is the poem of when they both met,
The girl said nothing, in her ways she was set.
The boy however, found for the first time his voice.
The girl smiled and replied, and inwardly rejoiced.
This is the poem of how they were friends,
Would not seperate for means or for ends,
Shared secrets and jokes, cured eachothers strife,
For them every day was the best of their life.
This is the poem of how it all ended,
Cut of the root, never to be mended
It was an innocent act, though seemed cruel,
Both sent off to a different school.
This is a poem of the real world and so,
Did they meet again? the answer is no,
But even though He knows his chances are slim,
He wishes for her daily, and her for him.
Also,
She doesn't know how to laugh and so she greives.
Should be grieves.
Would not seperate for means or for ends,
Should be separate.
Shared secrets and jokes, cured eachothers strife,
Should be each others.
Other than that, it was good.
Well it was just my opinion - I didn't expect it to lead to a war lol. (sounds like iraq all over again).
Prokayote - Feel free to disagree with me but do not critique my critique. Chandi pretty much said everything else.
Sometimes, a poem's rhyme seems forced, but most of the time it worked really well in this poem.
It didn't have to rhyme, but it sounded good so I wouldn't change it, just because other people say you shouldn't have a rhyming poem. If you think you should explore the rhyme, you do that.
Keep writing!
RR*
I do agree with Prokaryote and cadmium.This poem no where seemed that the rhyming was forced,infact the poem is a good example of a rhyming poem.Well personal opinions do vary.
About the poem I would like to say that the poem was really sweet.
The little mistakes has been pointed out by Cadmiun already and if u follow those i think it will turn out to be a very good piece of work.
About the rhyming only one thing is that 'friends' and 'ends' these two words were rhymed too often so i wish there was something else into it.
It seemed you were totally into the poem,the boy being you.You made the passion come out into it.Infact that is how poets be they imagine themselves into the poem.
Well done!
Keep writing.
I disagree. I don't think that the rhyme has choked this poem; it is a bit stretched in some places, but the poem reads like a ballad or something. I enjoyed it. This author has done much better than many rhyming poems I've read. Some make absolutely no sense because the author is trying so darn hard to rhyme. I don't think that a poem has to rhyme; it's the author's choice, and the author's skill at whatever structure he or she chooses will make or break a piece. This one does tell a story, so I commend looby-lou for that.
In the last line, I'd change "everything" to something with two syllables, perhaps "too much".
The last line is really awkward, especially the word "inwardly". I'd rephrase it to something like "The girl smiled, replied, and inside she rejoiced." The voice-rejoice rhyme does sound a tad forced, though.
All the strife-life rhymes I've seen in my life are slowly forming an army of forced rhymes to kill me in my sleep. Don't make another one.
Second line: perhaps you should switch some words around so it reads "...to never be mended."
Third line: Make it, "It was an innocent act, though seemingly cruel..."
You should say "and she for him" because you wouldn't say "her is wishing for him", you'd say "she".
Colleen
I basically Agree with Phorcy's, this poem is a perfect example where everything is left out, just to place a rhyming scene. Trust me poetry should not always rhyme and the rhyming doesn't have make a poem better at all. Rhyming to me is very hard especially when you try to fit in the rest, many poets take rhyming as an easy-to-do they have indeed fallen in a trap.
When you've succeeded in filling everything else a poem needs to actually be a poem(structure, descriptions, expressing your theme etc) and then succesfully add up the ryhming, then my lad, then we're talking about something
And please in the future don't critique other people's critiques unless it is very nescesarry, you've said to critique the poem for what is, which you haven't nor have I. Right now I bet we're a real confusion to the author, my appologies for that
Cheerios, Chandni
Huh?
If anything, (I, personally, think) it takes a lot more skill to write a poem that rhymes. If you ask me, poems should rhyme. How do you even know this would be better without the rhyme?
Sorry, but your comment just strikes me as dumb. How about you review it for what it is, instead of just for what it's not.
Prokaryote
You have fallen into many-a-poets trap.
You have discarded all essence of emotion, story etc.. for a rhyme scheme.
Golden Rule:
POEMS DO NOT HAVE TO RHYME.
If you are passionate about the subject try and rewrite without the rhyme. Because the rhyme killed it.