A/N: Just a cute little drabble.
I walk into the house, the intoxicating aroma of food filling my nostrils. I follow the scent to the kitchen to see Andrew preparing homemade pizza. I sneak up behind him, grabbing a handful of flour. "Hey babe," I say, holding the flour behind my back.
He turns around, smiling when he sees me. "Hey," he says, walking towards me to give me a hug. When he is a few inches away, I take the flour from behind my back and blow it into his face. He stops moving and stands, shocked by what I did. I stand there, giggling. He wipes the flour from around his eyes and stands there, fuming. I watch as his chest heaves up and down, the strong breaths from his nostrils blowing flour away from under his nose.
I gulp and slowly back away. "Andrew," I say, carefully wording my response. "I'm sorry for throwing flour in your face. I thought it would be a light-hearted action. Apparently I was wrong, so please forgive me." I add a pouty face at the end, hoping this will soften him.
He walks over to the counter and grabs a towel, wiping his face. I watch carefully, looking for signs of any anger. He leans against the counter and finally speaks up. "I'm not angry at you Selena."
I hunch over, letting out a sigh of relief while looking down at the ground. "Oh my gosh, really? I was worried that you were going to be pissed off at me." I stand up straight when suddenly an egg comes flying at my face. It cracks on my glasses. I gasp, my eyes widening in surprise as I take off my glasses. "You didn't."
He smiles. "I did."
I grab some paper towel and begin wiping the egg yolk off my glasses. I turn around so I am not facing Andrew. I begin making fake sniffles, pretending that I am crying in order to guilt trip him. To add to the dramatics, I grab a tissue and begin blowing my nose.
I hear Andrew begin to walk towards me. "Selena, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry." He tries to hug me from behind, but I spin around, kicking his legs, causing him to trip. I bolt before he can retaliate.
"Oh I'm going to get you now," he yells before coming after me.
"Catch me if you can," I yell, turning my head around while running through the massive house. When I turn my head back around, I run into a corner table, causing an antique pot to wobble. I keep running out of fear of Andrew catching up to me. However, I quickly glance back when I hear a cracking sound . The porcelain figurine smashed on the floor. I keep running and head downstairs to the lower level. I run towards the room the pool is located, open the door, and quickly close it, keeping the lights off. All that is visible is the shimmer of the water in the middle of the room. I crouch in a corner, wondering how long it is going to take for Andrew to find me, if he doesn't give up.
I sit in darkness for what seems to be forever before my phone starts vibrating. I curse whoever is possibly giving up my location. I look at the screen to see it is none other than Andrew. I don't answer, quickly turning off the phone, hoping he isn't nearby. I hold my breath, as though this will cover up my location.
A few minutes go by before I suddenly relax, believing I am safe. This action is wasted though when the door suddenly springs open and Andrew barrel rolls in, flicking on the lights. He straightens up, smiling when he sees me.
"Nice hiding place," he says, beaming with pride because he found me.
I stand up, holding my hands in surrender. "There's no need to fluff me up. I get it. You found me. Now go ahead and take your revenge." I put my hands down and walk up to him. "I can take whatever you throw at me."
A mischievous grin appears on his face. "Oh I'm not going to be throwing anything at you this time." I smile, relieved. "I'm going to be throwing you." My smile falters as I begin backpedaling away from him. It's no use though because he grabs my waist and hoists me over his shoulder. "I hope you don't mind getting your hair wet," he says before quickly throwing me into the pool.
The cold water submerges me as I sink to the bottom. I resurface after a few seconds, freezing. I wade in the water, shivering. Andrew is keeled over, laughing. "How's the water temperature?" he says through bursts of laughter.
"Freezing," I say through gritted teeth, not at all as amused by the situation as he is.
"Perfect," he says while taking his shirt off. Before I can ask him what he is doing, he dives into the pool, coming up next to me.
"What are you doing?" I ask, really confused.
Andrew pulls me into his arms. "Warming you up of course," he says before pulling me into a kiss.
We kiss until we are gasping for air, causing us to pull apart.
"I think I should throw flour at you more often," I say, resting my head on his shoulder.
"I agree," he says before pulling me in for another kiss.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
So this piece was good but it had a lot of mistakes and was just a tad bit cliche. This review isn't all negative, so I want to address the things you did well first.
The thing I liked the most about this was probably the middle. When Selena is running from Andrew. At first, I thought they would end up getting into a food fight but you surprised me which was good. I also liked your ending. Once I saw where Selena was running, the end was a bit predictable but nicely so. You also had good imagery and your writing style and tone was really nice in this particular story.
Now, on with the review.
In the beginning, everything is "I". It reads a bit awkwardly. Maybe try something like "I walk into the house, the intoxicating aroma of food filling my nostrils. Following the scent to the kitchen, I eventually see Andrew making pizza in the kitchen. After I grab a handful of flour, I sneak of behind him...." Stuff like that.
And then the next paragraph is mainly what I like to call "grocery listing". You say everything that's going on without using imagery. You list things out. "I did this" "He did that". It disrupted the flow which I didn't like.
Your story is written in the present tense. Here, you briefly switch back to the past tense. Try not to do that.
As I go on, I see little spelling errors that could be fixed with a simple proofread. I encourage you to go back and read this through so you can fix those silly little errors. Other things I liked were your use of dialogue. It was great and really added to the story.
Keep Writing and have a happy review day
Very cute story, I would like to read an expansion on this. I was kind of waiting to read about what happens to the piece she broke, but having read to the end there was nothing on it and the inclusion of that detail didn't really make sense to me. Another thing that kind of confused me is that when you were describing where she was running compared to the kitchen and the pool I ended up kind of lost, was she hiding right next to the pool? It seems like he picks her up and just turns and throws her in. Otherwise it was adorable and I would like to read more about these two like maybe why they're living together in this big house or what the heckity she broke!
7/10
Thank you so much. The antique wasn't the focus of the story so I didn't expand on what happened to it. Yeah she was hiding in the room the indoor poo was located in, so she was right next to it.I'll consider writing an expansion on their whole story.
This is a really sweet work. And by that I mean adorable, not like the way the turtle from Finding Nemo goes 'Sweet, dude!'.
That said, my only problem is that sometimes the language is a little stilted. There is a lot of explanation that the reader just doesn't need. I mean, give the reader a little credit
"I'm sorry for throwing flour in your face. I thought it would be a light-hearted action. Apparently I was wrong, so please forgive me." - for example, this could have ended after the first sentence. The rest is implied and it is part of the reading experience to infer it.
"I'm not angry at you Selena." - there should be a comma before 'Selena'.
Your characterisation and plot are excellent, especially in such a short space. Your setting could do with a little work but that's not absolutely necessary, especially for this style of a story.
Well done
Thank you so much!
You're welcome
Hilarious. Totally hilarious. Throwing food, tripping each other, running and hiding, getting thrown in the pool... You really got this one going. Is this story part of something? I know it says it's just a cute little drabble, but there's not a whole lot of background info on Andrew and Selena. I'm not sure if they're married, dating, or something else. This would make an interesting piece of a bigger story. It's your decision if you want to do that, though. Nice job!
Thank you so much for the review. It isn't a part of anything and their relationship can be taken as either married or dating. I thought about making this a part of something else, but I''m still deciding.