z

Young Writers Society



Modern Penelope of Odysseus part 2

by lluvialover


“ Why return so early on such a warm Saturday, hone? “ the massive figure in an orange robe asked, a slightly slender lady with golden round glasses standing beside her.

“Oh, no. Lily, you didn’t tell her did you?” Celina glanced worriedly at the lady with glasses.

“Well, I couldn’t lie...”she said honestly, almost pleading.

“And you think I would believe her story about you and Deniss “studying”? Haha! Oh but what could interrupt such sweet courtship?” Laura teasingly talked while returning to taking care of her light green nails. “And what’s up with secrets between you two? After all, we are girls sharing a dorm. There’s not much you can hide anyways.“

“That’s what I’ve been exactly afraid of: rumors being spread across the whole University. Don’t you understand why we are so secretive?”

“Aww...do you think with my huge heart I am capable of hurting you so? Yes please tell me why!”

“I must admit you’re a kind person, but too kind of a matchmaker. How in the world will we be able to convince you that I did NOT in fact date him?” Liliana already had a puzzled face expression, trying so hard to figure out how to inform prejudiced Laura and not in a persuasive essay.” Or that I have not even the slightest attraction to him? The truth is, Deniss and I were suppose to complete a project...which is now in ruins by the way.”

“What happened? I can help you with it! I’ll even work on it tonight if you want!”

“Honey, please don’t be so mad! I hope you are not upset just ‘cause of me!” Worried Lily and saddened Laura followed Celina, who after screaming “I need my time alone, for once!” mumbled to herself in the locked bathroom,

“No privacy whatsoever! That’s what I get for having one A and the rest B’s in high school. Otherwise, I would have a whole apartment to myself. And then he could come, and we would sit hugging under the moonlight forever...knowing there’s nothing better...” no one saw her green wider, but the ridge textured bathroom walls with posters of dolphins leaping over the sunset.

South America

He came exhausted from the soccer match; sweat running down his black jet hair and tiredness in the bark colored eyes. Following him, entered, his parents, two younger brothers and an older sister. His mother and father patted his back, once more, calling him a champion and congratulating. The brothers imitated soccer movements and made fun of the opposing team, while their big sis disappeared in her room.

After taking off his sneakers full of grass and dirt, his eyes met with the picture of Mother Guadalupe, which probably hanged at the entrance of their house for centuries, yet strangely enough, to him the image’s face transformed, the eyes turning that unbelievable blue he saw somewhere else.

“Mauricio, what are you doing, just standing there? Hurry into the shower while I’ll clean your shoes.” the player’s mom shook him from the mesmerizement.

“Don’t worry, I’ll do it myself.” Already under the mist, he whispered to himself,

”My angel, I’ve always thought of her as an angel.” Yes, he felt like he always knew her, although it’s been only 4 months, not always. Now Mauricio found it hard to imagine how he lived before or how he will survive if she does leave him. “But that’s impossible, she’ll always stay with me, my angel.” He thought.

When came out, he was amazed to see his sister helping mom, a quite rare occasion, but then reminded himself: today there’s a party.

“So are you going, “champion”? Paco was the one really scoring most of the goals, so don’t brag too much.”

“Melita! Don’t be so rude or you won’t go” mother remarked.

“No, Melita. I am not going, I am too tired and I still have to do so much for University.”

“You are not going? Common! Be yourself, for these past months you’ve missed so much! And tiredness is no excuse.

“Darling, remember how you lived just for those dances?” she softly spoke, trying to outbalance her daughter’s insisting tone.

“True. But I am not going today, I really am tired.” Close to running out of patience he was glad to walk away.

“Tired, and just watch how quick he goes. Lover boy!” Melita barely cholked a laugh.

“What?”

“Nothing mommy”

“One more time, and I’ll send you off to bed!”

“Hay, Carramba! What are you boys doing in the office, playing with the ball? Go outside!” after straightening up the things his brothers knocked off, he turned on the computer with anticipation.


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Sat Mar 29, 2008 1:25 am
Sam wrote a review...



Hey again, lluvialover!

*glee* More! That's always nice to see. I'm really intrigued as to how the Odysseus story matches up...though I suppose it'll get more apparent as it goes on?

The main thing I'm going to ramble about is dialogue, because...well. It's difficult. In the second part, especially, it was getting a little stilted--but with the rest of your writing being so good, that's easy to fix. Editing dialogue can be an itchy bee, but here's how to go about it.

1) Make a script.

“So are you going, “champion”? Paco was the one really scoring most of the goals, so don’t brag too much.”
“Melita! Don’t be so rude and think carefully before you speak or you won’t go” mother remarked.
“No, Melita. I am not going, I am too tired and I still have to do so much for University.”


MELITA: So are you going, “champion”? Paco was the one really scoring most of the goals, so don’t brag too much.
MOM: Melita! Don’t be so rude and think carefully before you speak or you won’t go” mother remarked.
MAURICIO: No, Melita. I am not going, I am too tired and I still have to do so much for University.

2) Read it out loud. (Feel free to use really odd voices for the different characters--bonus points if you make yourself crack up.)

Does it flow? Does it sound like something someone would actually say? If not...

3) Tweak.

MELITA: You going, champion? Better not brag too much--Paco was the one scoring most of the goals.
MOM: Melita! Don't be rude!
MAURICIO: *shrug* I'm not going. I'm too tired and I still have so much to do...

4) Repeat 2 and 3.

Any better?

5) Insert tags, and...voila!

Your dialogue should be preened, natural, and beautiful. ^_^ If you're having trouble with a section that simply feels "stiff", don't hesitate to set it aside and pay extra-special attention to it. Dialogue is one of those things that can really make or break a piece, so make sure to look at it with care.





Perfect kindness acts without thinking of kindness.
— Lao Tse