She smelled of death, like a rotting soul,
yet still, I did approach her,
I wished to help, I thought I could,
but never have I been so wrong,
she loved me for it, and I loved her back,
the pain I felt, was like a rush in fact,
the more I helped, the more I hurt,
her touch was cold, and it would burn at first,
then callus formed, my hands grew strong,
my soul grew cold, and my life was gone,
I smelled of death, and i burned inside,
till it was just me and her, standing side by side.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Very beautiful in a morbid kind of way.
Got alot of strong visuals with a dark tinge, lot of imagination in the feel you might have been trying to give the reader.
I am a nitpicker on length, so I'd have to say that I wish it had been longer, a bit more expansive, but hey, you can either work great to greater or leave it great and admire whats been done, and most of the time I like just looking over a fine work like this.
Keep it up!
Loved it.
This poem is very creative. You can really get a sense of dread as you read it. It also seems like there is a deeper meaning to the words, or some sort of symbol, that you want to try to figure out, like a great piece of artwork. However, I would add some periods, just to break it up a bit and make it flow better. Great job!
I LOVED this poem! The darkness in it really showed and it made the entire thing great! I loved the ending, it was amazing! It just built to a climax and ended and I enjoyed reading the entire thing! Great job, keep it up
simple and to the point
pure dimes!
Hey llobalito!
Well, I read this and think: "Gosh, what did she ever do to him?" Give your readers more to go off of. Give them a reason to think she is bad instead of you just plainly stating it. Every poem tells some sort of story. All I see is you loving a so called "bad" girl. To be honest, it is a tad bit cliche.
Your rhythm and rhyming make it really hard to read. You start out without rhyming, but then you start rhyming. You must either have rhyming, or go without it. Never both. Also, do not add words to rhyme just for the sake of it. In line 5, you took all of the magic away from the poem by adding those last two words.
Lastly, please remember to capitalize your pronouns!
I am sorry if I seemed a tad bit harsh. I want you to see the mistakes and fix them, so your poem will be even better.
Pm me if you would like to discuss this poem further.
-Princess
Simply amazing. That's just about all I can say! It's just flawless =]
Hey there!
I agree with the others in that you express your ideas confidently and with some degree of richness and clarity, such as in the opening phrase "She smelled of death," but in other places you use terribly bland phrases, like:
"...but never have I been so wrong:
she loved me for it, and I loved her back,
the pain I felt, was like a rush in fact..."
Expand your ideas more. Use vocabulary that's much more precise than "never have I been so wrong." This is vague, in other words TELLING. What we want to do as poets is SHOW our readers what we are thinking instead. So, you might write:
"...but I had never felt such pang of pain
before: the guilt of consuming her shredded my senses;
blood speared my veins."
The use of brutal imagery - "speared" - contrasts with the insatiable, pleasurable love that the speaker is feeling. Thus, I am showing the "pain I felt" much more effectively than simply by stating it; I am allowing the reader to enter the scene and not just skim over it lightly.
Hope this helps! Good luck!
Gahks
6/10
This is fantastic. I loved the feel of this poem. Darkness, woe and helplessness are all painted vividly. I'm not sure there is something to critic. Okay, a maybe a few minor stuff. Though I think it's been pointed out. Change one of those commas at the end of a line into a period. It is too long.
the i should be I.and:
Those are really minor, I know. But really, I don't believe there's anything else to improve. This was a great, great, poem.
Hello...I find your work awesome. I really like the rhythm of this piece.
I have just a few critics... You could put some punctuation because this seems too long.
2nd- that "and" is a bit pushy ..."and I liked that and I went there and she came...blablabla..." Star is given.