The whip cracked harshly, as the skin tore clean in half on the man’s back. Blood gushed from the wound instantly, spilling over his ribcage. His muscles contracted in anticipation of the next blow, as his last few breaths produced a pathetic whimper.
For the guards of the New Order’s council block, this was a regular occurrence. The citizens of Renapar frequently protested outside the large, cold, gates of the elite’s quarters. The powerless 'Commoners', as they came to be known as, could do little to counter the guards' strength.
As the guard dressed in green held the protester down with an invisible force conjured from his hand, his colleague took the pleasure of whipping his dignity away. By the end of the ordeal, the protester was left in a pool of blood, and the crowds had been discouraged from showing any sign of support for him.
Emlon stood and watched in a state of shock, with her rags for clothing as her only company. Apprehensively, she moved towards the man, slowly feeling the cold gravel on her bare feet, step by step. Emlon prodded the man for a signal that he was alive.
“Are you okay?” She nervously whimpered, prodding the man with her foot once more.
“Hello?”
Emlon’s calls became more desperate, as she began to consider the worst.
She had never seen a dead person… She knew that the guards of the New Order had beaten protesters to a bloody pulp, but nothing compared to seeing them kill. A sense of hopelessness overcame her as the man’s eyes ceased to move.
She ran.
She ran as fast as she could. With each step, she tried to cast aside the anger and frustration at the guards who had so easily inflicted such torture, and with such pleasure. Cutting through the dark alleyways, Emlon conjured a light from her hand to guide her, the little power she had. All Commoners had some degree of power, but nothing compared to that of the New Order.
Upon approaching the walls of the orphanage, Emlon hesitated before entering. Matron wouldn't be happy that she had witnessed these atrocities, but that didn't matter. It was done now. She had seen it, and she hated the guards, and the new order.
“Is everything okay? You’re late!” called the Matron.
“I got lost. That’s all”, was the reply.
Emlon stormed in rage upstairs to the rickety door of her bedroom. The dilapidated walls worsened every day, slowly crumbling around the orphans. Grabbing her door handle furiously, Emlon struggled to get into her room once more.
“All I want to do it sit down, and not come out till the morn.” cried Emlon, as she grew tired of hitting the wooden door, with no success.
She slumped, with her back towards the door. Her anger filled her body, with a solitary tear breaking free from her right eye. Life wasn't fair, and that man did not deserve to die. Emlon banged her head repeatedly on the door. All she wanted to do was hide in her room. With each thud getting harder, Emlon suddenly fell flat on her back.Confusion surrounded her. She opened her eyes to find her bedroom’s ceiling.
The door was still shut. Emlon was on her back… On the other side of her jammed bedroom door.
The scale of her situation occurred to her.
She had more power than she thought.
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141,312 Literary Works • 674,342 Reviews
I thought it was very good and if you wrote a longer story, I would definitely read it. I thought the story was very suspenseful. I was wondering if this was meant to take place in the future, or just some other world/time.
I liked the opening of the piece: "The whip cracked harshly, as the skin tore clean in half on the man’s back."
It was a great hook with lots of detail, and caught me right away.
Looking forward to reading more from you!
Hello ljrussell! It is a nice and interesting piece of work. All your mistakes were pointed out in the last 2 reviews.So,I just want to point out one correction.
“All I want to do it sit down, and not come out till the morn.” cried Emlon
I think you wanted to write “All I want to do is sit down, and not come out till the morn.”
I liked the idea of your plot very much.Keep writing.Best of luck!
Hey there! Cricket here to review this massively interesting chapter of yours! (I'm serious; this is interesting).
Now due to everyone's bad example I always do nitpicks first. Soooo...
NITPICKS!!!!
Here I would just suggest a word change. I mean, blood doesn't ooze unless its old, and when its clumping really. So maybe gushed or something?
This is too short to be its own paragraph. It needs something added on to it. Maybe a little description on the man's facial expressions? Maybe tell us if the man is moaning or screaming or, just something to tell us~the readers~what kind of pain the man is experiencing.
Just some stupid nitpicks is all... "was" shouldn't be caps and instead of a period after "all", put a comma.
"Called" shouldn't be caps and period at the end of the sentence.
I think you mean "rage".
You know this is really bad, that I'm nitpicking grammar instead of story line and plot. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME????!!! lol xD kidding.
So this is just paragraphing. They're both too short to be their own paragraphs. Maybe put them together?
One thing I do want you to remember and watch out for is pacing your story. Don't move it to fast. This is the first chapter and she is already finding out that she has power. Maybe move it a tiny bit slower, and it will be good. PROMISE.
hehe, do you realize that you are one of the few people that I am nitpicking for having to short of paragraphs on occasion. This is NICE. Mostly everybody I nitpick for having mile long paragraphs. You must be really good at this or SOMETHING. Sheesh, I'm nitpicking GRAMMAR for crying out loud!! Anyway...
Comments and Stuff
So from what I've read, this isn't the kind of magic where you are given it or you learn how to use it from books (brr, I hate that kind of magic). It seems to be the kind of magic where you are born with it. Each his own, right? Anyway, that's good to do that, as that type of magic is WAY OVERUSED in my opinion. lol
The character is somebody likable, and somebody that you feel like you can root for, which in a story is very essential. I mean, I wouldn't want to root for somebody who is going for the domination of the human race, or whatever. lol, but I also wouldn't root for somebody who is an absolute wimp either. I always enjoy a fighter, so make sure you keep going with that. xD
Anyway..I'M DONE!!!! Keep Writing!! Make sure you tell me when you post next; I'd gladly review something like this again.
This is my first attempt to write creatively. I've always wanted to be an author, and in between revision, I wrote this in 40 minutes and decided to put it out there, finding this society!
I'd like to message you about ideas etc and thank you for your kind words 
I read fantasy and fiction regularly and honestly, this feedback is great and just what I wanted! When I have more time, I shall add more to this and try and form a short story
Hey, no problem. If you want to message me then by all means do so. I LOVE discussing story ideas.
Dragoon here to review!
Nitpicks first!
The sentence needs to be broken and the wording needs to be changed to sound better.
"The powerless 'Commoners', as they came to be known as, could do little to counter the guards' strength."
Like that, but it's just my opinion. I'm no expert.
Remove the comma, it is unnecessary.
Instead of the second comma, why not put "with"? It would sound better, and seem more natural.
I'm guessing "later" was suppose to be late?
That's all I can nitpick, but there might be more things-- if what I nit picked was right.
All in all, I like it. I would love to read more of this.
Again, thank you very much for this feedback. This was the product of 40 minutes work and feedback like this is exactly what I wanted from posting here.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and comment. I appreciate it a lot