Kisses From The Woods

lizzytink wrote:these are the first two chapters of a story im writing. grade as harsh as possible. thanks!!

Chapter 1

I stared out my window, searching for answers. The moon was bright with unlocked #FF0000 ">(MAYBE CHANGE TO UNDISCOVERED or UNKNOWN) potential, but I couldn’t see it clearly with the fog blocking my view. I opened the door and stepped outside. I was expecting a rush of cold air, but the temperature #FF0000 ">was the same as inside. The trees I #FF0000 ">could see were still as #FF0000 ">could be in the warm summer air. The weather #FF0000 ">wasunusual… for the summer. The white haze enveloped me in its trance. The atmosphere hugged me, as I clung to the tree nearest to my balcony. The fog #FF0000 ">was so dense; I #FF0000 ">couldn't see a yard #FF0000 ">ahead of me. I swung my leg over the railing and found a foothold and started my way down the bushy tree. I glanced back at my room, though it wasn’t in plain sight. I could see the dark shapes of my pillows looked as if I were sleeping there.

I took another step and worked my way down the tree.

Once I got to the ground, I quietly walked across the lawn to the back gate. The grass #FF0000 ">was wet and water uprooted as I took steps. I peeked around once more. All the lights were off and they are sound asleep. Cosmo, my trusted #FF0000 ">Corgi, is sleeping silently near the garage. He has golden fur with white paws. I love him dearly. I unlocked the wooden gate and stepped onto the gravel. I #FF0000 ">take a look at my watch, ten fourty.

I started running to the place. Once I became closer, I steadied my pace and braced myself. I took a long deep breath to clear my thoughts. The trees gave off a scent of fresh, clean air. #FF0000 ">The ground around me covered in multicolored leaves. #FF0000 ">The ground squished from the previous nights’ rain as I stepped cautiously.
#FF0000 ">- don't repeat "The ground" unless it's deliberate.

I looked up. I started noticing moving, dark shapes looming amongst the trees above. I began to run frantically as I tracked the shapes, #FF0000 ">and they began to move in a spiraling motion. I began to get dizzy #FF0000 ">from turning. I kept following where they were because I didn’t want to turn my back and have something hurt me, but I became dizzy and drifted off in another direction running to try to keep on my feet, when I hit something hard.
I couldn’t breathe then, my chest hurt from the impact and my lungs refused to work. They would not inhale or exhale. I felt a tingling feeling in my lower stomach. The#FF0000 ">n I tried to reach for something… anything. I tried to grab #FF0000 ">a branch I saw, but my hand went through it. My hand #FF0000 ">had a red tint to it. #FF0000 ">Hmm. I think. #FF0000 ">(YOU DON'T NEED THIS. IF YOU WANT TO INDICATE CONVERSATION, PUT IT IN QUOTATION MARKS." My image is blurred, and I can’t see if anything is coming for me, but I can feel it.

The air turned from still, to a breeze. One dark shape swooped down near me. I couldn’t quite understand where they were, I can’t trust my eyes now. My head continued to spin as I heard a loud screech come from my right… or was it my left?
My ears rang until the piercing noise became a buzz. The sound drifted closer. The strange shapes made a familiar noise… a caw. Are they birds? I thought. Coming for me? Why would they want me? The shapes crept nearer. My eyesight started to turn comprehensible… they were big, dark, birds! That’s not possible. I thought.

They had black dark wings, with razor sharp beaks and claws, but the most memorable part #FF0000 ">were their eyes. Their eyes #FF0000 ">were filled with piercing hatred that flamed through them. My eyes stung as I stared. I shut my eyes to try to shake away the memory, but it stayed cemented in my brain.

Abruptly, one of the preached birds that were sitting on the branch lunged forward, coming straight at me. Its wings brought itself right in front of me. Its eyes #FF0000 ">were flaming #FF0000 ">with fury, as if he hated me. I began to feel as if my chest is sinking in, as if collapsing before tremendous pressure. I forced air into my lungs; I could smell raw flesh coming from the bird’s breath. The once warm, fresh, welcoming air is now dark and chilling.

My mind raced for things to say to it. Why do you want to hurt me? I thought. I tried to force the words out, but all that came out was:

“Why do you…” I said in an unclear, raspy voice.

Why was I even trying? It’s not like they will understand me, anyway. I thought.
The bird came closer to me. Its beak came closer to my face and sniffed me. Then it backed up slowly. It turned and picked up speed. Its majestic arms lifted and it took off up to a branch.

My heart picked up pace and I stared around frantically. I dropped on my knees. I felt as if I might die.
Die? I thought. What about my family? What about my dog and cat? I can’t give up, not now. #FF0000 ">I’m only seventeen. #FF0000 "> - if i were you, i would indicate this earlier in the story.

My vision became blurry again; I closed my eyes and dropped my head. It was hopeless. I thought. You’re not going to make it out of there, just accept that.
I did. I took one last look around, to fully picture where I was going to die. Tears streamed down my face. I tried wiping #FF0000 ">the tears with my sleeve, but there are too many. The tears became cold against my skin. If it hasn’t happened yet, it’s never going to happen. I thought to myself.

I started crawling into the middle trees. They circled me, with their wings up. They walked so alien like and strangely. I am open kill.
I whispered one last prayer:

“Please…” I whispered and took surrender, but then I heard something run through the leaves.

I put my head up and looked around, searching for hope.

Out of the fog, a shape of a man appeared. He stared at me as if he knew I shouldn’t be near such creatures. His eyes got wide and he stayed hidden in the bushes, as if he had a plan.

The birds surrounded me even more. What was he planning to do? I thought.

The bird in the front of the rest of them crept closer…
My body tingled as his claw came up, as if to strike me with it.
I thought I would have more hope at this point, having seen a man I thought was going to help me, but I guess he has run away. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He is low, shallow and just mean to have left me here to die. Tears started again, only not because I chose to walk here, but to know someone knew I am here, and just leave me. I feel betrayed, abandoned, and most of all, lonely. #FF0000 ">- When writing this, you have to take into consideration that he might not have seen you..

I stared into the birds eyes, I couldn’t see clearly with the tears #FF0000 ">waterfalling (THIS ISN'T A WORD) my eyes. its face #FF0000 ">gloom. #FF0000 ">- doesn't make sense.

I glanced around once more, in the last ounce of reliance in whomever that was that saw me here, weeping. With the bird’s claw extended, it started to strike. Its magnificent wing lurched forward. I turned my head and shut my eyes. I braced myself for pain.
Then, I heard a loud shrill come from the bird… or was it me? the sound escalated interminably, then eventually subsided.

I opened my eyes and saw a shuddering sight.

The bird’s wing is bent back, with exposed flesh. The black, gigantic feathers sprawled around the corpse. Its eyes were open, empty of rage, full of fear.

I turned my head away, not wanting to see the stiff creature.
Suddenly, something with incredible speed blew past me; it began to torture the other birds. Only now did I realize there are about six or seven birds. I guess I really shouldn’t have trusted my eyes.

The thing that’s slaughtering the other birds moves quickly, in a way so fast that it blurs. I’m still in shock from the previous events. The birds screamed loudly in pain. It hurt me inside to watch poor animals get killed like this.
Now there is only one last bird left.

Wait, I thought. When the thing is done killing them, won’t it come for me? I tried to lift myself up to get away, but I didn’t have enough strength. I slowly crawled away from any potential danger.

I tried to be quiet, but I wasn’t quiet enough. The thing is done killing them, now, it’s coming for me.

I went slightly faster, but didn’t accomplish enough to get away from it.
I started crawling backwards with it standing over me. I noticed what the monster was. The monster that killed them looked like something I see every day. It’s a person! I think in my head, surprised. It is the same man that left me earlier. He has black jaw-length hair and broad shoulders. He seemed so tall standing over me. He stared at me in amazement as I mirrored the emotion back. His eyes are a deep green.

He knelt down next to me; put his arms underneath my legs and back. Then he lifted me with ease. I put my head snuggled in his chest. Somehow, I feel safe. Considering he just killed those creatures, or birds… whatever they are. He started walking. The wind quieted, and it was more peaceful. I’m thinking too much. Let your mind drift. I reminded myself silently. I closed my eyes and cleared my thoughts. I started to float away.
The last thing I remember hearing was him stepping onto the gravel.



Chapter 2

I am running through dense trees. My hands are feeling my way through the brush. Behind me, a peculiar noise up rooted. The sound was a distinct noise of a bird. Shadowy forms were soaring above me in the foliage.
My heart is quickly pounding.

I ran into a tree hard that hit my side violently. An explosion hit my surface. I stopped running and my breathing became shaky. I placed my hand where the pain continued. I saw red on my hand. Blood? I thought, terrified.
The figures were starting to surround me, with their large wings, and hunched over bodies. They were right next to me now. I stared at them as they started to change. they meashed together, they were transforming into a man.

The man started to reach out to me, I grabbed his hand and we walked deeper into the forest that I haven’t discovered yet. The trees were shedding their leaves. The leaves were swirling around us, like a mini tornado, except not as aggressive and less force. The leaves started to turn into snowflakes. The trees turned white, and the ground sank in when we stepped.

The sun reflected off the snow. My blood was dripping on the snow. The red started to spread across the ground. The boy left, and I was alone once more. I started to sink into the ground, but now the ground is a lake… full of blood. I tried swimming to the surface, but something was pulling me down. The lake turned into the ocean, and waves were hitting me. I was thrashed around. I kept trying to pull myself up somehow, but I couldn’t grasp anything. I took in a deep breath opposing what I wanted to do. Pressure is pounding against my head. My chest hurt horribly, and the oxygen wasn’t in contact.

I let my body float, giving in to the waves. It seemed peaceful. I let myself drift quietly, without a sound. No one would know I was under the surface of my own blood. Choking and struggling for survival, I let go of consciousness.

I opened my eyes immediately. I sat up too quickly and my side hurt. I put my hand where it impaired. My body ached badly. My heart is beating hastily.
“That was the strangest dream I’ve ever had.” I say to Booties. My cat turns on her side and started purring ferociously.

I stared around my room. My TV bolted to the wall across from my bed, my own bathroom next to it, along with my endless supply of movies. My colorful clothes scattered across the floor. I get up from that bed and walk drowsily to my bathroom. My dark brown hair is a clutter of chaos on my head. Is- is that a leaf? I think, astonished. In my hair?

I dig through my hair and pull it out. I examine it; the colors are a vibrant green. I sniff it, it smells like fresh, damp, and rainfall has just hit it.

Could it be true? Last night’s events really did occur? The birds, the fog, the man with green, gorgeous eyes… all true?

I smoothly applied makeup to my face then went to the closet and grabbed a purple shirt and black skinny jeans. I threw my clothes from last night into the dirty laundry hamper. They smelled like the leaf I found in my hair.

I lift up the corner of my shirt to check for evidence. My brown eyes got wide when I saw it. The side of my stomach has a three-inch gash down it. I cringed as pain shot up the whole side of my body. The wound stung horribly.

As it was slowly healing, I grab a wash cloth, run it under warm water and dab slowly.

I remember the first time I was climbing trees, searching for the perfect spot to claim, when we first moved to Santa Cruz. We were lucky enough to get 10 full acres. I’ve explored every inch of it. The luscious trees surround me wherever I go.

I like where I live, only six minutes from school. People would never have guessed I was a sporty, “liked to climb trees” kind of girl.

I go to my walk-in closet and find a bandage to apply to my wound. I dig through the boxes on the floor. Soon, I find what I’m looking for.

I open the box and see antioxidant spray, Band-Aids and bandages. I unwrap the bandage and swathe it around my waist, covering the open injury.

The pain subsided enough for me to get to the bed. Each step I took, the cut seemed to open more and more. I heard my cat get the door open by clawing at the edge on the bottom of the door, then it creaking slowly open. She pranced out of the room.

I covered myself with my purple comforters. That way, if my parents came in, they wouldn’t see it. They would blame it on me climbing trees. They think it’s too dangerous, but I do it anyway.

I reached for my water glass on my nightstand, but instead I found something else, a note. It consisted of beautiful writing that read:

Dear Lily,
Don’t go back into the forest. It’s dangerous. You’re probably confused. Just forget the whole incident.

I stared at the letter, still puzzled. Don’t go in the forest? But I have to, that’s where my tree is, that’s where I spend my time to myself. How did he know my name? I’m still surprised I didn’t breathe my last breath last night. Considering I couldn’t breathe anyway.

What the person’s name? Who is he and how does he have that ability? Forget the incident? How could I forget? I can still vividly remember the eyes.

Booties, my cat, startled me as she walked in the room making her signature sound. I knelt down to pick her up with the note still in my hand. Maybe I should go into the forest… I might see him there. I really want to see him again so I can thank him for miraculously saving me. I don’t want it hanging on my shoulders for long.

Okay so basically I think this is an okay piece of writing but still has a long way to go. I think if you really work hard on it, it has potential to be great, but ONLY IF you work on it. You have problems with switching from past tense and present tense, so make it clear. You don't want to switch tenses unless it's clear that your character/s are in different times, so I suggest stick with past tense or present. When I corrected your piece of writing, I put it in past tense, so yeah. Also, I think the first two chapters are a bit repetitive, so you should work on not repeating what you have already said because if you've properly explained it, you won't need to repeat it. I skimmed over the second chapter, but where are the kisses? I don't get it. Basically i would give this a 5/10 because it really needs work..
I'm not trying to be mean, just giving a review :]

Hope it helped.