On my mind

This is definitely interesting. I spotted a few errors, but nothing a good read-through couldn't fix. All in all a nice poem.

There were a couple of grammatical errors, like (i) and (can't) but, overall I could relate to the poem, and understand it.

It was pretty good ;]

I liked this and i could see what you were getting at, but a number of things were in it that failed to draw me, the reader, in:
a) Take out rhetorical questions as they are pointless
b) Add more of a rhythm

Do these things + the grammatical errors and you will be able to convey the emotions more effectively

keep it up

Black Star

Yes, i see what your getting at. But it left me feeling a little confused. A little refinement could make this a great piece though!

I must agree with Niteowl. I could see that you're trying to get the emotions of the story to go inside of your readers, but its just not getting inside me anyway. There were several grammar mistakes in this.

Good Luck!

Luke

While I can definitely relate to the feelings behind the poem, I don't feel that it was expressed as well as it could have been. The expressions are vague and there's no imagery to draw the reader in. Also, I learned long ago in a review on here that rhetorical questions (which take up five lines of your poem) don't add much because they never get answered and aren't terribly interesting to the reader.

Also, please capitalize your I's and use proper spelling/punctuation throughout. This makes it so much easier for the reader to focus on the content of the poem.

On a positive note, I liked the last two lines. Perhaps you could revise the poem based on them.

Keep writing!