Chapter One
“One second, mother!”
“Come on! We’ve been waiting for an hour. Your grandparents are wondering why you aren’t coming to them.”
“Tell them I’m doing my math homework.”
“You can do it later. Just get over here.”
Ugh. My mom is a great person, but sometimes I wish she’d be a little more patient. Oh well. I guess I have no choice. I’ll have to go downstairs. My grandparents came to go for a walk on the bike path.
I go downstairs, and into the kitchen. My grandpa picks up the yearbook, and I explain what it is. He finds my picture, and gives it to my grandma. After looking, she then gives it to me. I put it away, but first I find the picture of Kyle Thrift and kiss it. I know it might seem weird, but I don’t care. I love everything about him, especially his reddish brown hair. I think it’s naturally red, but died brown. That might have something to do with the fact that his hair was brown last year. I also adore his joining eyebrows. I wouldn’t say it’s exactly a unibrow, because it’s not just hair. They actually join.
Oh, how I wish I was Mrs. Kyle Thrift. We’d have a beautiful…
My mom breaks my bubble and tells me to go outside. I bring my scooter and get in the car. Then the four of us leave. We drive to the path and get out. I ride my scooter through the rocky part to the good, flat part.
I ride a little ahead of my grandparents and mother, and return to them before getting too far. I talk to them a little, or just think about life.
So I’ve been riding my scooter in this fashion for about ten minutes when I hear noises. It’s a loud scratching, like an enormous coyote or something. I ask my grandparents about it, and they say they saw a coyote in the middle of the street only a few days before. I doubt it was a coyote, though, because wouldn’t it have attacked?
I choose to forget about it, and continue on for a few more minutes. Then I hear it again. I’m a curious person, and choose to investigate. Only first I need to tell my plan.
“I need to check something in the woods.”
“No way! Who knows what’s in there.” As expected, my mom wouldn’t let me. But I have to do this.
“What do you need to check?” Maybe my grandpa could help.
“I want to see something.”
“I could come with you.”
“No! You shouldn’t do something like that. You’re not as young as you used to be.”
“I’ll be fine. Besides, I’m your father, not the other way around.”
“You’d really come with me?”
“Sure. Why not?”
“Fine. As long as she’s not alone, I guess it will be okay. Just be careful.”
“Great. Let’s go.”
Yes! My grandpa will come with me, and I can go.
The two of us sneak into the woods, and step toward the noise. At one point, my grandpa stops to tell me to continue alone. He wanted me to explore alone, but needed my mom to allow it.
I keep walking deeper and deeper into the woods. It might’ve been a good idea to mark my path, but it’s too late now.
Then I saw it. And it scares me.
It scares me a lot.
And it is coming closer to me.
And closer…
And closer still…
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Firstly, put spaces in between paragraphs because YWS doesn't read the indents.
To me, this sounds awkward. I could be just me, but say it out loud to yourself and see what you think.
I don't like these. I know they're sounds, but sometimes I don't think they can get points across.
The first part of the paragraph is kind of choppy. To me it sounds like, "First they do this. Then they do that. Then later, they do this." Catch my drift? Also, you give the first indication the character is a female in the last part of this paragraph. Try letting us know the gender of the character earlier because when someone has a presumption that this character is a boy, it throws them off when they reach that part. Lastly, uni-brow is spelled with a hyphen between uni- and brow.
This is is a fine story, and I'd like to see more of it, but I have some problems with it. First off, it lacks description. Though you have some, it's not all that great to give me a mental picture of what's going on. Don't always assume your readers know where your story takes place. Secondly, the story is choppy. Like I said before, to me, it sounds like, "He did this. Then he did that." Stretch it out, add more description in between. That's about all I got to say, so if you post the next part and need a review, feel free to PM me on YWS, and I'll get to it ASAP.
Signed,
Lethero the Werewolf