Healed
I’ll be doing fine without you
As usual it’ll all get better as time goes
True, a lot of things reminded me of you
I felt your presence on the path I’m threading as I walked
But I still walk that path as I’m getting stronger and better at forgetting you
Forgetting you…you who had destroyed my life once
I’m leaving as you can see
To a place where solitude will great my soul warmly
To a place where you have turn out to be nothing, simply just a hazy past memories
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Canary word: Present
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Did you know in the first stanza you had "you" on every second line, which I thought was very clever, maybe you could continue that pattern?
first of all let me say this....
you sound so like experts on this stuff. i appreciate the reviews on my poem. yeah, i guess it has many out-of-place-things in it. it need revision again, i guess. sometimes i just wrote what i feel directly onto papers, with less care for the tenses and stuff...
(i mean that in a good way really) that's just because i rarely put my poem up in any site, except in my blog and i just had few friends commenting on it as they happened to stumbled upon it.
WOW...you guys are really good at this...
i get my poem really analyzed. are you sure you guys in your teens??...
you know, i never have people dissecting my poem like this
it feels different here, you know. it feels nice. really. i appreciate the review...thanks
I liked what you were trying to convey here, but there are a few issues with the form. Since it’s so short I’ll go through line-by-line and try to work out what’s bothering me.
Nice starter. Needs some punctuation, though, to give it more punch.
Again, punctuation. With a poem this short you need to use everything you can to get the message across strongly. I don’t think you need the “all” in there – it sounds more colloquial and fits better if you drop it IMHO.
Perhaps you could give us some context – what things? When? Where? Why did they remind the poet of “you” (presumably someone they lost)? If you want to keep this line in the past tense, you might try this: “True, a lot of things today reminded me of you.”
Meh, kind of vague. Also, your tenses don’t agree properly, making it very awkward. Perhaps restructuring would make it less wishy-washy; something like “I felt your presence on the path I threaded.” No need for all that extra verbiage – threaded implies walked in any case.
Ick, repetition. That should go. Keep “But I’m getting stronger and better at forgetting you” though. The near rhyme is cool XD
If we’re not going to get the details, I think you should drop this and let the poem speak for itself. It’s clear this person did something life-altering, and that it was probably not a good thing. I’d develop the “Better at forgetting you” idea a bit more here instead.
Not the punchiest of endings. I’d trim this down or chuck it altogether and replace it with something new, as it really doesn’t add anything to the poem. Perhaps you could refer back to the path, or something, to tie the whole thing together. Just as a suggestion: “Though I feel your presence here, with every step I take I’m leaving you/for a place of solitude where you/are nothing, just a hazy past and a few bad memories.”
Leaving the grammar issues aside, the main issue here is that you’re telling rather than showing. You’ve probably heard it before, but it works in poetry as well as in prose – perhaps more so. You really need to work on drawing the reader in, involving their senses and engaging their emotions. Try experimenting with literary devices a bit more – you know, metaphors, similes, etc. – and see if you can get them to feel with you, rather than merely bear witness to your experiences.
Hope that helps – drop me a PM if you need anything
Cheers,
~bubbles
Alright, I definitely feel a tense issue.
I tried to edit what I could, but I'm not sure it's that accurate as far as a whole. I would suggest starting the the beginning and going through it all again to edit for tense problems.
Overall, it's okay. A few things didn't make sense, but I'll sure you can fix it easily.
G'luck and keep writing! <3