The cool wind was blowing gently and swiftly through the leaves on the trees like a mid summer breeze along the waves ,a full moon in the midnight sky shinning down on a small stream running down hill into the forest creating a shimmering pathway to the other side, a desperate cry for help a shriek coming from inside, the dark wooden walls began to grow louder and louder as a howl was soon let out and the sound of a hungry wolf ripping through the carcass of an animal , i suddenly began to feel my face become pale and being frozen with the shock of the creature that may soon find me,were the woods i have grown up around my whole life dangerous were the missing people stories true the questions ran through my head as the sound grew faint as the shriek became a faint whisper that soon faded , the moon began to go down and the sun began to rise as the two soon met in the middle creating a glow of orange and magenta in the top reaches of the sky and a light lavender just above the hills, the walls suddenly grew quite and i slowly began to move towards the forest hoping the beast that i heard was gone and would never come back. Getting to the edge of the woods a rustle of leaves was faint then grew louder as if some thing was running straight towards me looking around my heart began to beat faster and faster with panic ,in the corner of my eye i seen a women with auburn hair and light blue jeans running i looked closer as i could see her shirt was covered with blood and her shirt was torn to pieces,what was to come of this was she the beast i had heard could she be the reason for the shadows that would lurk in the night .
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141,500 Literary Works • 674,609 Reviews
Hello there, Living! My name's Rosie, and I'll be reviewing this piece today.
First off, welcome to YWS. I hope that you like it here as much as I do. If there's anything I can help you out with or any questions about the site, please feel free to PM (private message) me and I'll help you out in any way that I can, okay? And now, on to the review.
There are some elements of this piece that I like, the chiefest of those being the words you used. You utilized quite a few vibrant, descriptive words, and I appreciate that. I love to read a piece of work and be inspired by the words the writer used.
That being said, this piece is horribly unorganized. Correct punctuation and capitalization are inexistent, and without line breaks or paragraphs, it's very difficult for me to pick my way through this. Because I was trying to figure out where one sentence ended and the next began, I couldn't get into the story.
Since I have pointed out a problem, it's essential that I also suggest a solution. Let's begin with the first part of this piece.
As of now, your entire piece consists of one massive paragraph. In rare situations, this format will be the best way for a writer to present their work, but in the vast majority of situations it's better to break the writing down and make it easier for a reader to cope with visually. For instance:
"The cool wind was blowing gently through the leaves like a mid-summer breeze along the waves."
This could be your entire first paragraph. After that, move on to the rest of the piece, limiting your paragraphs to only a few sentences. Breaking down your work into manageable pieces will allow each element to shine its brightest.
Also notice that I've deleted a few sections of your first sentence. I did this to streamline your writing. As of now, you've got quite a few good ideas, but I have a feeling that it's difficult for you to choose which parts of your writing should stay and which should go. As a result, your writing comes out feeling cluttered and overworked instead of inspired and clean. Keeping your adjectives and adverbs down to a minimum will polish your writing up and make you very conscious of the words you're using to express your ideas.
Writing is definitely work. It doesn't always come easily nor is it always perfect, but it is a wonderful thing. Approach this piece with an editing eye, break it down into sentences and pay special attention to punctuation and capitalization. I promise that the work will be worth the reward.
On a final note, please keep in mind that what I've written is merely my opinion. Your opinion concerning your work is paramount; it's what will make your work unique. If you disagree with any of my suggestions, please feel free to disregard them.
Always keep writing. And again, welcome to YWS!
-Rosie
Thank you and yes i agree thank you for the feedback it will be taken in to great consideration for future writing.