“You can’t do this, its murder!” Chiron’s voice echoed through the great hall, he looked around as faces stared back at him. The great hall was a huge circular room with 12 thrones placed evenly apart, each was a dark mahogany colour with a symbol upon the head surrounded by small jewels. “It’s a necessary act, no one wants to do this but this sacrifice will save many more lives and protect our people now and for generations to come.” Samuel sighed as he rose from his throne and walked to Chiron who was standing in the centre of the great hall. “I know how difficult this will be for you, it will be difficult for a great many people who will lose someone, but you have seen all the death and destruction they can cause if the evil in them is brought out, we all thought this was a gift to our people given by the gods, but maybe it is a curse. We know the darkness is not in them all, well maybe not a first but we can’t risk innocent lives on a hope that they won’t turn, we need to protect our people, I’m sorry my friend.” Samuel returned back to his throne and sat down, Chiron’s anger began to rise and he did not return to his seat instead he stormed out of the great hall with fire in his eyes and fury in his heart
Chiron would not allow the council to do this, he would fight them, and he would not allow them to harm his son. Chiron travelled as fast as he could from the temple through the busy town to his home. Everyone he passed seemed happy and just going on as normal but he knew panic and fear would rise when news of the council’s plan spreads. Chiron sighed as he reached his home, Chiron was born into nobility and he rose high becoming a council member so he had great fortune and power but none of that was worth anything to the council, their plans would be carried out regardless, the kings themselves have ordered it.
Chiron got closer to the house and noticed the door had been broken open, he took out his sword and slowly approached the door and he stepped inside. There was broken furniture everywhere, one window was shattered and Chiron knew exactly what had happened, the council knew he would resist them so they took his son while he was with them in the council meeting; Chiron punched his hand into a wall. “They will pay for this; I will not allow this massacre to happen!” Chiron’s wife had died a few years earlier and now they have took his son, he was now alone and vowed that he would stop this from happening to other people and save his son before they harm him if he can.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well, that's an interesting little scene to start a prologue on. Honestly, that scene could just be a prologue all on its own there with the kind of mystery that it manages to bring to the table there. It has just enough of the vague description of something horrible being done to someone Chiron cares for...and the whole "its for the greater good" justification being made to support it. Certainly sounds like the sort of event that sets a story in motion.
OKay...so the resolution by Chiron to prevent this horrible decision by the council and the reveal that the whole thing involves his son is a pretty good one. That is still in prologue territory and it works well, but the ending of this paragraph steps into territory that it shouldn't have. Backstory coming up ever so jarringly is bad even in a first chapter, but in a prologue, that's simply not something you include. After all prologue is meant to be a scene that can be read independently of the story and vice versa. Quite a few people don't bother reading prologues, so information that could be important such as that has to be in an actual chapter..nor should a prologue be bogged down with details like that.
So that's an interesting twist, it looks like the council is quite powerful and well connected enough to have pulled off such a feat as quickly as they did. The ending is actually a nice little promise there to end something like a prologue on. That work relatively even though some of those sentences look like they need a touch of rephrasing cause they are a bit clunky. Overall, besides the badly placed bit of backstory, this is a decent prologue. Its interesting enough that I find myself wanting to read more.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I just absolutely loved it!
But, I unfortunately must offer you a minor correction; when there is a conversation going on, please make different paragraphs for each person speaking, it is less confusing that way and is really how things are supposed to be written.
Also, I must compliment you. You have in you the makings of a great writer. Just follow my advice above.
I think you can achieve great things with writing and I can tell that you have a whole lot of potential in you. You just have to practice daily and follow the advice of people and accept it totally. Never turn down aid from a fellow writer or the criticism of a reader. It can help you become a better writer, though you may not like what they say to you. It will teach you to not make the same mistakes again and it will also help you grow as an aspiring writer with talent inside them and especially one as yourself who can actually become sadly, one of the short select few who will succeed with there work and will achieve great things.
Hello, liviaalexandra. Hmm...this is an interesting piece. I think it is very fascinating, but I found it a little hard to understand at times, like Dragons said, format it into the proper, well...format.
Not only that, I think it really needed punctuation. I felt like my mind was suffocating for every rare comma or period--the words just kept going on.
Also, I think you're dishing out a little too much unneeded information at one time. For example--the jewels on the chairs in the very first few sentences, it already makes the mind wander. It also seems a little too fast paced, but maybe it's just the punctuation doing that to me.
But I liked it very much! Thank you for sharing it, and keep writing!:)
--Lollipopper
This piece is a well, masterpiece in my eyes my only suggestion is that one, you make a new paragraph each time someone new talks and two keep writing i love this i am ecstatic to see what happens next and oh yea if you need help with any like a title or anything at all you contact me OK hahaha good luck yet I'm sure you don't need any