Im not sure what to call it

"Who are you when you're alone ? who are you when no one is watching? when you're alone with all your thoughts when you're by yourself in a room when its quite and dark who are you then?"

That's what he asked me when I met him the first time, I wasn't sure what to answer not because I didn't want to, because I didn't know. Who am I? I never thought about this. I just lived day in day out without thinking where my life would go and what I wanted to be. I was just studying, reading, studying, the study was hard, even for me.

When I came back from the university that night I turned off the lights and sat on my bed, no noise just emptiness, even in my mind, there was nothing, it was like I was drowning, the more I focused on my mind the more I was drowning, in nothing but emptiness. I sat there for about an hour, the phone rang and pulled me out of my thoughts, it was my mom she wanted to know if I was okay, she was worried because I haven't called her in a while, I didn't feel like talking, because there was nothing I could have told her about, except school and she knew that I had straight As, my mom told me about her new boyfriend who was a Mechatronic engineer, she always liked intelligent men. My dad is always working he and my mom got divorced when I was 3, my dad and I only talk twice a year on my birthday and on his, on the holidays I just get a " h

Happy thanksgiving" or a "Merry Christmas" text. But I actually didn't care at all. My only friend was my roommate Carly, but she was the opposite of me she was out every night on parties or at her boyfriend's place. She always wanted me to come and have fun, but if always rejected politely. .

When I got off the phone it was almost midnight, I took off my clothes and got into bed. When I closed my eyes the empty quiet room, I was sleeping in started to become darker and it wasn't quite anymore, there were voices I don't know if it were female or male, they said, no they were screaming! Things like " you don't deserve to live" and " you are not good enough". I wanted to wake up, but I couldn't, it was like the voices were pulling me deeper and deeper into the abysm. When I woke up it was 9am, I was lucky that my courses are very late this semester, my first course starts at 4pm. Every morning I could only remember a couple things from what was going on in my head while I was sleeping. I just tried to ignore everything as well as I could and it kind of worked. Carly wasn't home this morning, her courses started very early, I didn't know how she was able to get such good grades when she's out for the whole night. I sat on the couch and went through my notes, I was still thinking of what he had said to me the day before. Who am I when no one is watching.. Well, I was sitting all by myself and I had no idea what he meant like I knew who I was but I didn't know who I was.. ´That is confusing isn't it?!