Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
I woke up to a blaring noise right in my ear; I jumped and somehow ended up on the floor in a cocoon of sheets. Upon opening my eyes, I got a faceful of my alarm clock. After colorfully swearing under my breath, I hit my alarm until it stopped making that awful noise and somehow managed to get out of my sheets, who apparently thought they were now supposed to be a strait jacket.
I quickly hopped in and out of the shower and threw on some random clothes I found in my closet. I flew down the stairs and, careful not to wake my father, ate breakfast and made my lunch. Seeing that I had about five minutes before I was late, I snatched the keys off the counter and sped to school, just barely making it.
The first few moments were a blur; there were papers strewn all over the hallway, jocks wrestling, plastic girls coating and re-coating their faces in make-up. I just avoided it all as best I could, bobbing and weaving my way to my locker. I grabbed out the necessary books and some gauze and an extra shirt, seeing as I just threw on a sweatshirt over my bare chest. I made my way to the unused boy’s bathroom right across the hall from my locker, nearly getting squished against the lockers by a couple making out.
Once safely inside, I shucked off my hoodie and re-wrapped the still-oozing cuts, my nimble fingers moving surely and quickly, as they had so many times before. I threw on my t-shirt and was just engaging in the difficult process of putting on my sweatshirt without hurting myself when the first bell rang. I pulled up my hood and ducked out of the bathroom, keeping my head down and my eyes on the floor the entire way to class.
The first thing I saw was a glint of violet and a flash of dark brown--Naomi. My heart sped up, racing to talk to her, touch her, looking for that spark of adrenaline I only got when I was with her. Pathetic, I know. I mean, I barely know the girl! But there was nothing to be done.
“Carter!” She waved me over. “Over here!”
Naturally, I went.
“So, about after school, I was thinking that maybe you’d want to come over my house…? I mean, I know we just met and all, but I just--I feel...really comfortable around you. Ya know? Or is that just me?” I blinked at her. In less than a minute, she said all that. I had no idea she could speak so quickly.
“Uh, I guess, yeah, if you’ll have me.”
“Great! Oh crap, Mrs. Esposito is staring at us. Act natural.”
I looked over to Mrs. Esposito; she was, in fact, staring at us, but she just gave a slight smile and a shake of the head, and then she turned and began class. Huh, I wonder what that was about. Whatever. Teachers were, are, and always will be weird. I could hardly pay attention; I’d had a meager breakfast this morning, and my stomach was silently--thank goodness for that--pleading to be fed. I counted how long it would be until lunch time, which was--ugh. Too long. There was no way I was going to make it through the rest of the day. I just rested my forehead on my desk, praying for release from this meal-less confinement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Finally! I bolted out of the music room the exact second that the bell rang. I was starving! Wasting away in this food-less prison! I dashed to my locker and chucked my bag in, then grabbed my lunch and sprinted for the cafeteria. I heard laughter behind me, but I didn’t turn. I was in the middle of a crisis, for goodness sake!
At last, my table! I threw myself down into one of the seats and began to attack my sandwich. I heard the laughter again, but this time the person sounded a bit breathless. I turned, sandwich in hand, and saw Naomi, standing a few feet away and laughing her head off. I gave her a look that said, “What are you doing?” seeing as I was unwilling to part with my sandwich long enough to actually speak.
She took another shaky gulp of breath and steadied her voice, and then she told me what she had been laughing at: me.
“Mhhe?” My voice was distorted, seeing as I had still had not stopped stuffing my face with my sandwich. I didn’t even get a reply. Naomi just plucked my sandwich out of my grasp--to my horror--took a bite, and then returned it to my hands, which had not moved in my shock.
“Mmmm!” Naomi practically groaned with pleasure. “You make an amazing sandwich!”
I only smirked and downed the rest of the deliciousness that was my sandwich.
“I know.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I walked outside to one of the benches, and waited for Naomi to arrive. When she finally did, I had started to doze off, and I was sprawled out in a rather uncomfortable position.
“Ready?” She held out her hand to me, and I dazedly took it, still in the zombie-like hold of sleep. I think I made a groan that was supposed to be a yes, but I’m not sure. We started walking to her black truck, and I nearly fell on my face trying to get in.
The drive was relatively silent, though she was tapping the rhythm of the songs blaring through the radio on her steering wheel. I subtly observed her during the drive, and noticed that she relaxed herself when she felt as if nobody was watching. Her eyes lit up, and she-
We pulled up to a house, and a little boy came running out the front door. As she was turning off the truck, she turned to me and said that if I wanted to stare at her, I should be more discreet about it; evidently, this statement was accompanied by her usual smirk.
Naomi jumped down from her truck, leaving me in there like a blushing idiot, and scooped up the little boy, planting kisses all over his face and neck and speaking to him in Italian. The boy, however, just accepted her kisses and giggled whenever she planted a new one on his skin.
Just as I was getting out of the truck and moving over to Naomi and the boy--who I assume was her little brother--a woman appeared in the doorway, and she began to stalk--well, more like shashay--her way over to our little group. When she caught sight of me, her face instantly brightened, and she walked right up to me, ignoring Naomi and her little brother. I heard Naomi make a noise of disgust, and I had to agree-she wore a pink mini skirt and a glittery purple crop top, showing off a dumb-looking belly button piercing. She had on super tall hot pink heels--what are they called? pumps? I think that’s right--and giant silver hoop earrings, like the type hookers wear.
“Who’s this? And I don’t mind, Naomi, if this one stays over. I like him.” Okay, the mom, or the creepy woman who I thought was the mom, was starting to freak me out.
“Uh, hi, I’m Carter.” Still, I didn’t want to be impolite, so I offered her my hand to shake. She promptly slapped my hand out of the way and moved very close to me-now, I would have moved away, but I was frozen in shock. What happened next, though, was way worse.
She put her hands on my chest and dragged them down my stomach!!! Who does that?! Like, gross!
“Holy shit.”
So. Friggin. Uncomfortable.
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Haha! Perfect ending! This whole time I'm thinking Naomi and Carter are gonna get some action and then WHAM! Creepo mommy! I haven't read the other chapters of this story, so I'm not too familiar with the characters. From what I can tell, Carter is one of those procrastinating misfit kind of boys and Naomi is a too cool for cool girl (meaning she's too intelligent to be popular). The way you describe the scene from Carter's perspective is great. He truly is a typical teenage boy; just a boy and his sandwhich.
I found one place where you started a sentence and didn't finish it. I wasn't sure if there was some dramatic reason for this, or if it was not intentional. "Her eyes lit up, and she-" What did she do? Is this chapter the first time Carter and Naomi get together? The scene where she suddenly asks him to come over seemed a little odd to me. First Carter is talking about how much he likes her and then she asks him to come over? Guys can't have it that easy can they? Like I said before, I haven't read your other chapters so if this is not the first time the two of them have been together this way, the scene makes sense. Otherwise, it's a bit unorthodox.
Overall, funny and enjoyable. I'll have to come back and read your other chapters.
Thank you very much! And in the previous chapter they made plans to hang out, seeing as Carter is the only friend Naomi has at the moment. And the sentence was purposely unfinished because she caught him looking at her. And you perfectly understand my characters! Those are exactly the personality types I was going for.
Hahahahaha! Hey there, liveandbreathewords! GreenLight24 here with a review for you on this magnificent Monday afternoon! Before I begin this review, let me just take a minute to lay out some minor housekeeping details. First of all, I won't be focusing on grammar and spelling a lot because I feel like most writers on this site are pretty solid on those things by now and could catch those mistakes easily by proofreading. Instead, I'll be reviewing this chapter from more of a conceptual, narrative, and thematic standpoint. In the beginning of the review, I'll talk about a few things that I though you did very well and then I'll try to offer you some constructive criticisms later on. Now then, let's get this show on the road!
...Please note that I haven't read the other chapters lol.
*clears throat*
The first thing that I would like to commend you on is simply your longevity. As someone who has attempted to write novels in the past (and is in the present lol) I know firsthand that sticking with it can be difficult sometimes. The sheer fact that this is chapter six tells me that a lot of thought has gone into the planning of this novel and the execution of your plans as well as just the willingness to keep it going. Often, when we write novels, it's difficult to stay interested and to keep our audience interested too. It seems like you've been able to do both of those things here. Good job.
Next would be your main character. Like I said, I haven't read any of the other chapters of this novel, but I could still get a pretty good sense of what your main character is like. This was because you have given him a very defined narrative voice. First person novels can sometimes be the hardest to write because your main character (presumably the narrator) really drives the whole entire thing. If they are underdeveloped or unrealistic and don't have a defined narrative voice, your novel will start to become really flat and one-dimensional, just like your narrator. Carter, however, seems to have a very well-defined personality and by this point in the novel, anything less would be cause for concern. You've also done a pretty nice job of developing the character of Naomi. Although this story is being told by Carter, her personality still shines through at various points here, especially during the dialogue between the two.
Last, but certainly not least, was your humor. When I read this chapter, it really reminded me a bit of a novel that I've got going on here right now. The sardonic brand of adolescent humor was right up my alley and I enjoyed the inner dialogue you gave your main character, especially at the end there. If this chapter was a scoop of ice cream, the humor would be the cherry on top. By defining your main character's narrative voice you have also developed an interesting and unique brand of Carter-Specific humor if you will. It was very refreshing to read something that was both serious and pretty funny at the same time.
Now then, for the constructive criticisms. Da, da, DAHHHHH!!! *lightning flashes*
Fear not, there's only two really big points here.
Although you always wanna develop your main character's personality and distinct way of telling their story and you've done that here, I was left feeling like I still wanted more from Carter. Like I said, he seems like a well-developed character and he does in fact have a distinct way of telling his story, but that way was a little bit dry at times. Maybe that's what you were going for because like I said, I haven't read the rest of the novel, but the narration, most notably in the beginning (first half) of this chapter, came across as being a little monotonous. Once you get some dialogue in there and put Carter into the thick of the school day, it becomes a lot more lively, but up until then things move pretty slow. When you describe the morning before school, many of those sentences begin with I. Maybe that's just part of how Carter narrates and I'm missing it because I've only read this chapter. But if not, I would recommend spicing things up a little bit there and bringing that scene to life more.
Secondly, I was left wanting more out of Naomi. Don't get me wrong, I think that I got a good glimpse of what she's like from this chapter especially near then end (which was in my opinion the best section of this chapter) and I know the story is mainly about Carter, but it would have been nice to get an even closer look at her. Maybe you already laid that out in previous chapters or are planning on doing so later (with him now going over to her place), so you can take this with a grain of salt. Still though, just from having read this chapter alone, more emphasis on her dialogue and more description of her personality would be nice, especially if you are planning on having her be the supporting character going forward.
That's all I've really got to say about this one. I hope you find this review helpful! It was a fresh read and I enjoyed it top to bottom. Good job and remember, never stop writing!
Thank you so much! I love getting nice long reviews! But, Carter is actually a supporting character, and Naomi is the main character. I like trying to write in both of their POVs, just to refresh the story a bit. I am, though, very appreciative of your constructive criticisms and I will try to apply them to the rest of the story. Thanks for reading my little story!
Woah. I see. That's really cool! I loved it!
I'm glad I could help u.
Thank you so much! I'm so glad that you enjoyed it!