Broken into Blades
The silver gleam of a broken dream,
is the sharpest blade there is.
The jagged edge of a word unsaid,
will pierce through rock-hard skin.
But sharpness dulls and scars aren't felt,
though the pressure keeps digging down.
A trickle of sorrow waits to be dealt with tomorrow
when the truth about us comes out.
Our many mistakes will send rocking wakes
as they come to the surface to breathe.
We constantly fight with the dogs that bite
and bark behind our heels.
They are always waiting while the world's debating,
what to do with us when we wane.
Eventually, we smolder, from the weight on our shoulders,
so we take a break, and put our bags down.
With just enough luck, you might get back up,
and continue to walk, as before.
But most of us discover, we can't fully recover,
so we stop.
Give up.
Stop dreaming.
Stop caring.
Stop moving.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I loved the rhyming within the same lines, the first being my favorite. Writing about emotion and having rhymes in it is hard to do without sounding alomst immature, but you don't do that at all. You acknowledge a side that most people actually feel making it so realistic. The imagery is strong and creates pictures in the mind that grounds a person in the piece wonderfully.
My one nitpick is the same as BookWolf's. The ending is abrupt. The rhymes cease and with it so does the beat. Maybe you could say "So we stop, dreaming, caring, moving. Give up." Or something that keeps the beat moving at the same speed.
Breath in line 10...Breathe.
Heals in line 12...Heels.
Catchy though. I could hear someone reading this aloud and adding such a beat to it that it is impossible not to listen
thanks so much for the review!
Okay, this was a boss poem! I loved it!
The rhyming was perfect. Your very first sentence pulled and locked me in. I found that this poem describes life awesomely. The words you used instantly put me in a trance and kept me wanting more. But I have to say that the end was a little abrupt and choppy. After you put 'Give up' it started going downhill. You should reword the rest. Keep the same idea of people giving up, but just put it differently.
Of all amazing story! I really enjoyed it.
Bye for now!
~BookWolf
thanks Bookwolf! I'm definitely gonna look at the ending, it means a lot that you liked the rest though.