I loved the rhyming within the same lines, the first being my favorite. Writing about emotion and having rhymes in it is hard to do without sounding alomst immature, but you don't do that at all. You acknowledge a side that most people actually feel making it so realistic. The imagery is strong and creates pictures in the mind that grounds a person in the piece wonderfully.
My one nitpick is the same as BookWolf's. The ending is abrupt. The rhymes cease and with it so does the beat. Maybe you could say "So we stop, dreaming, caring, moving. Give up." Or something that keeps the beat moving at the same speed.
Breath in line 10...Breathe.
Heals in line 12...Heels.
Catchy though. I could hear someone reading this aloud and adding such a beat to it that it is impossible not to listen
The rhyming was perfect. Your very first sentence pulled and locked me in. I found that this poem describes life awesomely. The words you used instantly put me in a trance and kept me wanting more. But I have to say that the end was a little abrupt and choppy. After you put 'Give up' it started going downhill. You should reword the rest. Keep the same idea of people giving up, but just put it differently.
Points: 3293
Reviews: 32
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