My goal in life(was set but broken, ashely be mine)

To be perfectly honest, I only got through half of it before I had to stop. Four pieces of advice:

1. Punctuate. It really helps the reader figure out how the poem is supposed to go.

2. Line breaks. Yours are all over the place and they don't add anything to the poem. Try experimenting with enjambments so that they make sense or add emphasis; failing that, follow the pattern of the sentence. It makes the poem easier to understand and your readers will thank you!

3. Length. This is WAY too long. By the middle (where I stopped reading - sorry) it has become repetitious and cliche and frankly boring. If you do nothing else, please shorten it so that it is easier to deal with

4. Make it personal. Seriously. Like Cade said, this is a collection of other peoples images. We want to hear from you. The emotion here is yours, but the way you express it is not. Try to show us what makes this experience unique for you; what it is about this particular girl that makes you like her so much. In short, details! They make the poem. Try to use them.

Overall, you can do better. Get out there, read some poetry, brainstorm, write, edit, rewrite, and then think about it some more. Stretch yourself. This stuff is too tame and I could get it in a greeting card. Find some way to make it yours.

Cheers,
~bubbles

(It's generally not a good idea to put polls on your work.)

I think the best thing you could do for this poem is...put it out of its misery. Honestly, this will help! You need to learn what poetry is--I mean, go read some. Because good poetry is definitely not made out of a long list of cliches, as this is. You should construct poetry from things that come from you, not things you've gathered from pop songs and bad romantic comedies.

boostful lift