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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
not bad...a bit confusing, but good message
I agree with Snoink. It is a little all over the place. I'd go back and slim it down.
Like this stanza. It dilutes the theme of "drinking and driving", plus, the last line is too long; you lose all sense of rhyme.This is nice idea to rhyme, but the second line is too short and throws it off.
Other then that, I think it's pretty good.
I think you can make it more obvious, actually. Right now, it's all over the place. Is it a message against wife-beating, drunk driving, or relaxing? Or perhaps it discourages cirrhosis patients to go see the doctor. Who knows! In any case, I would suggest narrowing the topics, focusing on one, and doing that instead.
I'm not really gonna crit. this based on punctuation or spelling or the rhyme, etc. I just want to say that it has a great message. "Don't Drink and Drive!" it screams! Kudos to you!
--Lucky