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by littleyellowkuma


In a small, picturesque beach town, seclusion is considered luxury.

Yet they believe the sky is red, no matter what the truth is.

Anyone who says otherwise is just foolish.

Why return?

Burying their toes in the plush, sandy ignorance,

while watching the waves gulp in desperation the sand,

hopes, and dreams in an endless body,

long and blonde perceiving the eye as water.

Individuality ravaged by the salt and haughtiness

of the seemly friendly coastal air.

Those albino locks sweetly holding some under duress

The faces you know will never escape the grip of the tide, in endless acquiesce

Faces that will always bellow to the sky asking why it is not blue,

but the truth is they would cry no matter what color it may be.

Welcome home, hope you can swim.


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126 Reviews


Points: 7275
Reviews: 126

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Mon May 27, 2019 10:55 pm
xJade wrote a review...



Wesh! Professor Jade here for a review so let's just go! I'm just going to give my overall thoughts.

I liked the drama, deepness, and metaphors. I enjoyed this but I think the flow could be worked on and maybe the depth? I don't know but I can't really relate to this too much.

Hope this helped
-Professor JadeLotus :) !!




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Points: 151
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Sat Apr 06, 2019 5:04 pm
MusesOfATimeLady wrote a review...



Hello! I'm here to review your poem! :)

I liked how dramatic it was-- and how dark it seemed at times. The only thing I'd really suggest is explaining who the speaker of the poem is a little bit more, because there was a lot of lines that talked about the town and the people who lived in it, but then there was a person involved? It's hard to explain (as this is probably my first review since December, can we get an f in the chat, lads), but I hope it helps.

I also enjoyed your descriptions. They were spot-on and gave me a good idea of what was going on.

I don't see any huge grammatical errors, either, which is awesome!

Keep on writing!




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126 Reviews


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Reviews: 126

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Sat Apr 06, 2019 2:10 am
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Anma wrote a review...



Hello Kuma!!

Hope you don't mind the name shortening...

So first welcome to YWS!
Second Anma is here to review!

I like it!

Its really good

I feel this is really creative, the words really flow.
I only want to say its pretty long, the lines mostly..

Make sure to add space between lines, put them into categories.
Also i see a few grammar and punctuation errors, watch out for that.

Either than that its good, i love the big words I'll say that. Even if i don't know what they mean or anything. They sound nice in my head, based on the flow.

I hope to read more of your work!

Sincerely
Anma






HI! Thank you for your critique. Maybe you can answer my question then. Both poems I've posted, I typed them into the box with line breaks and they don't post with the line breaks. They post all run together like you said. So how do I fix that? also as to the punctation, this is from the original word document and I forgot that I made technical revisions haha. thank you, thank you.



Anma says...


Lol, no problem



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Points: 234
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Fri Apr 05, 2019 9:22 pm
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brookeallo wrote a review...



The poem was good but there were a few things that caught my eye that seemed questionable like in the first line you use the the word picturesque and it fits I guess but it definently seemed to inerupt the thought for the first line as it just didn't go with the flow that was started. You also say that it is a small town yet seclusion is a luxury to me using small town sounds like its a town without many people in it and seclusuion should be easier in a town like that but you could also be using it to point out that it was a small town and everyone knew everyone so it was hard to go un ntoticed but I wasn't sure which one it was so I just wanted to point that out. The only other thing I would point out is that the poem was really good and then you got to the ending and the ending didn't go super well and it stuck out like a sore thumb, and I feel as if you ended the poem to early because the last line and second to last line didn't blend and I almost wish you could have gradually wrote more lines and each line get closer to an ending that talked about how it was home but at the same time it wan't cause by the way you end with home you can swim it seems like whoever this is meant to of for doesn't like this place and it often feels like there drowning(figuratively) when there. It definently ha potential you may just want to edit it a little so it makes more since and has a clear meaning and theme.






Hi! I suppose I should have clarified in the poem, but it's too late now for the contest haha, that I meant that because it's so small that's exactly why there isn't much seclusion, and also because it's a picturesque beach town there's many tourist that come here as well. That was my intention, but I can see how it's unclear. I just might come back to this and work out some of the things you said. I appreciate the time you put into the review! Thank you!



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Fri Apr 05, 2019 9:09 pm
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shieldmaiden wrote a review...



Nice piece of poetry. I really like how this seems to apply to more than just the current situation. There are many others out there where some people are as close-minded about bizarre things similar to seeing the sky as only red. I really liked how at the end you wrote that the dwellers would cry out, wondering why the sky can't be blue. I myself am not a great poetry writer (though a big fan), so I wouldn't dare to criticize the techniques that went into this fabulous work. So I'll only add that, at the beginning, I thought that the word 'sand' was mentioned a bit too often. Really great work - keep up the writing!






Thanks for your reply! It's about the ignorant people in my town haha.



shieldmaiden says...


Ha ha! :)




Just think happy thoughts and you'll fly.
— Peter Pan