15.01.2010
This boy behind a mirror looks like you. He has the same type and size of leg. He loudly breathes out air and he likes to go for a walk in the rain. Yesterday in TV-show he won a smile. Now a day after day he sews the buttons to the overcoat. He is surprised how it is possible to be such blind. I write down his yet child's ideas in a tiny notebook. I outline an important dates by the pencil and I forget to wake up more early.
Do you know how hard to slide when you are full of pain and every filament is crying? The heart is strained on the leash, scratches into the door and whines to urinate. You my little boy are busy at work, but I want that a film in my head had been seen. I despair. You take no notice. In these windows there always are people. I'm looking on their beauty, while you vomit in a rest room. And I wipe your tender lips. My lips a long ago became weather-beaten. People are tormented by hunger. They are zombies and suffer from indigestion. They have needed for themselves too much attention, they would not have it. A boy laughs and turns the pointers of clock. I am sad, that a headlights like moths already on a roadway and they return into the flats. Morning with the second number is always crying.
Tomorrow comes foolishly, your smile is stolen, and lazy fingers are on a table. I look at a photo. OUT OF BUSINESS. Your good mood is empty. The winter is empty of love and I melt cigarettes in the puddles of steel coffee. I press RETURN, and you on a record. You so serious and young. But I sleep in motion and I do not notice thousand stars on sky. And you still live in my head, you play in black and white and come to me by a Fridays.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
On first glance, this is a quite confusing story. Initially I had thought that the basic concept behind the story was to portray an innocent twin of every man that has not yet been corrupted by the hardships and evils of the world.
The beginning suggests that a more cryptic twin of man is constantly judging this innocent version, criticizing his childlike wonderment at little things and his naive ideas that appear foolish to him. The voice and tone used in narration is almost sarcastic and bitter, like the narrator has been worn down by life too many times and has lost the energy to notice the positives in the world around him. The narration speaks with confidence though, as if its sure of the rightness of its opinions and views.
However, we cannot form a concrete opinion or interpretation of the story because of the confusing narration. The sentences are phrased awkwardly at points, and it makes it difficult to follow the text. As a result, the readers cannot really understand what it is they are reading. We cannot be sure what we are supposed to take from this text or understand what it is talking about. The short sentences sounded poetic at times and I was not sure at that point whether to treat this as a poem or a story or an article.
I think you have a very neat concept here, but it gets lost in translation as another reviewer pointed out. If you re-read the piece and brush it up with a little editing, then I think this will transform into a really good prose. It has potential for sure, it just lacks a clear direction.
That's all!
Keep writing and have a great day!
Ok, so this sounds like you've written it in a different language and translated it into english with some kind of program.
I think a lot has been lost in translation if this is the case. As the person above me has pointed out, there are extra words in your sentences that make them sound strange, and generally a lot of the imagery seems irrelevant.
For example:
He has the same type of leg? So he doesn't have an elephant leg or a chair leg. And why leg? It's too specific. He has the same type of leg but everything else is different? It sounds like you're saying he has a human leg but the rest of him is made out of cheese or something.
Every single one of your sentences are as confusing as this, so i'm not going to go through all of them. All i can suggest is properly translating your work, if this was written in a different language and translated, or if not, taking some basic english lessons because it sounds like nonsense.
Hi! Nagrom here! Welcome to YWS, I'll be your reviewer for today!
NitPicks
In should be on, and you don't need a dash between TV and show:
Yesterday on a TV show he won a smile.
This should be: Now day after day he sews the buttons to the overcoat.
Such should be so:
He is surprised how it is possible to be so blind.
First sentence should be:
I write down this child's ideas in a tiny notebook.
or
I write down his childish ideas in a tiny notebook.
or something along those lines.
You don't need the "an" in this sentence. You also don't need the "the" before pencil. "More early" should be earlier.
Other than a few grammatical errors, this is very good!