Young Writers Society

Heya, it’s the chiravian here for a review! It's been a long while since I've reviewed, so excuse me if I'm rusty. And as a disclaimer, I may be harsh, but I don't mean anything towards you when I say these things.

For first impressions, I have to be extremely honest. I was thrown off by some of the more unconventional grammar usage and spelling. I’m usually a fast reader, but had to really slow down to absorb as much of this as possible. As well, does this novel have a name? It’s your first post, but I’ve found it’s extremely helpful for others to find your work through a title/find it more recognizable when new chapters show up in the green room ^.^.

So to really get into the meat of the review, the plot. The goal of a first chapter is to set the tone, world, and characters of your story. While this does a good job explaining who the main character is, and the life she leads, it doesn't do a good job explaining who or what anyone else is. There are a couple questions as to what she does, and I feel like more can be elaborated within the piece itself. As well, some things are still left in the dark in relation to the basics of her life. As well, while the chapter ends with us being told the main character is going to David’s house, we don’t know *who* David is or why she’s so surprised that she’s going over to his place.

This kinda leads into my next point about characterization. None of these characters have… character. I think this piece could benefit a lot more from more words, as then you’ll have more time to delve into Eva’s thought process firstly, but secondly, into how Eva sees the world and people around her. One of the more important things of allowing yourselves more words is more actions and descriptions from your main cast. For example, does the Chief Doctor hold his coffee with shaky hands from lack of sleep? Does he keep his eyes trained on Eva with a steely gaze? Small sentences like that an convey *who* a character is without needing to outright say it.

Overall, I feel like this piece could use more time spent into it. I won’t get into grammar, but it always helps to let a piece sit for a few hours, reread it, then proofread. Your piece has a very strong start, but it could just use a bit more refinement to give your reader an easier time of understanding what exactly is happening. This means that your message has an easier time of being conveyed to us. The piece is strong, and your dialogue clearly has a strong voice to it, but I feel like you’ve gotta give more time to refine the work. Keep writing, and I look forward to seeing your improvement as you post!

Hey! Silverquill here, with a review!

I enjoyed this piece a lot. You do a good job hooking the reader into the story, immersing them right away into Eva and her life. You have brilliant characters and settings, and they all help to drive the story forward. Good job!

However, there are some grammatical errors. You could stand to read over it and correct the tenses of the verbs, as you tended to switch. @firemoons did a good job going over that, so I won't go through and correct it.

A couple reminders for dialogue: put commas inside quotations. Start a new paragraph when someone new speaks. You don't need both a period and a comma when you end dialogue.

And one last thing I'm confused about: I'm not sure how old Eva is supposed to be, exactly. In the beginning, she seems to be working at a hospital and is a doctor (or even a surgeon). This would, of course, take years of schooling, but she still seems to be living with her parents. They even think she needs supervision, and they call her a child. But her good friend Crystal can drive. I think it would be good if you cleared this up.

Overall, lovely piece. I can't wait to see where you take it next!

I really love this beginning, and I can already tell the four of them are going to get into trouble. The parents present some questions too—where are they going on business? What's the rush? Is there a specific reason the kids can't come? Are they going to be meeting someone important? Are the kids used to their parents attending business meetings on the fly? (Or maybe I'm just reading into this too much, and this isn't unexpected for them. Still, though, I'm curious to know why the kids can't come since Eva seemed to think they were in the beginning. Do the kids usually go with their parents? And if so, I wonder what they do to occupy their time.) Anyway, to the review!

The sun had done his part for the day and was settling down. It's time for the moon to take his place. I was still at the hospital after the 6 hour long operation. I, too, wanted to settle down like sun, but the Chief Doctor wanted me to take the moon's place. I changed into my regular clothes and sat down in the chair. I had achieved what most people fail to: I successfully pursued my dream.
"Dr. Eva, you can leave," said Chief Dr. I hopped up from chair and thanked Chief Dr. for letting me go.

The evening wind awakened my tired soul.

"Are you tired?" she asked.
"Tired?! I'm half dead."
"Then I'll drive; take a nap."