BUNNYYYYYY, you're such a good writer.
They rest their weary heads
In the black satin pillows of night,
Drawing forth their final content sighs,
Clutching their warm blankets tight.
Yet I lay awake, heart beating,
Eyes open, Still dreaming,
Dark room stifling, overheating
Hardly blinking, hardly breathing.
I am stunned by an overwhelming surge of fear,
Swallowed by the sound of silence screaming.
I remind myself: Paranoia, insomnia, schizophrenia. Not real.
And I rub my wrists raw in anxious wringing.
I hear them scuttling across the ceiling,
The beasts that only my eyes can see.
And alone I'm defenseless against myself,
Gripping the tenuous threads of reality.
The vile shadows writhe and twist
In the darkest corners of my room,
Voices murmur, beckon, and scream
Through stale air and moonlit gloom.
I hear them crawling all around me,
Like bloodthirsty beasts circling their prey.
I cover my eyes, struggling to keep them closed,
Desperately wishing the haunting away.
The dead silence of night amplifies my presence;
The stillness of the shadowed room makes me deaf,
The slightest rustle of my sheets sounds like the shrillest scream,
And every heart beat thuds swift and loud in my chest.
I drive myself into madness most nights,
Cursing myself for my self-inflicted grief;
If I could stop thinking, breathing, or be anybody else
I would surely be soundly asleep.
Paranoia and dementia
Keep my fearful mind awake
And so most nights remain sleepless
Deliriously lost in my head at four forty-eight.
I can close my eyes as tightly as I wish,
Try to muffle the sounds of my delusions,
Take pills to ease my worries,
But these are never permanent solutions.
I cannot rest until the nightmare is over.
I have no choice but to wait until then,
And once the clock reads "4:49"
This night terror will surely end.
]I like marquee so I'll write in marquee and I just learnt to do marquee. Anyway I'm Storybraniac and I'm here to review for Paint the roses red. I liked your poem so much that I read it like ten times. It's so nice. My favourite part was the last four lines when the terror ends at midnight. And I'm sure everyone else likes it too. I also liked the Paranoia and dementia part. And this is a very good poem. Keep writing. A definite like from me.
---Storybraniac
Alright! Littlebunny! I'm here to review your work!
Firstly, I really like how this piece flows. There is great harmony to the words. I had, however, difficulty finding where exactly to pause. Perhaps best will be to leave double or triple lines when you are at the end of a paragraph.
I will pick firstly on the last line.
...This night terror will surely end....
This night's terror. I think you forgot the apostrophe s!
There is a line that I find does not flow well grammatically.
...If I could stop thinking, breathing, or be anybody else...
If I could stop doing three things: breathing, thinking, or being anybody else.
Even though I really can't find a better way to put "I want to be somebody else" I still feel this can be improved on.
I would recommend shaking up some of the word order for variety, but the rhyme that you have made will be lost. That's just my personal opinion though!
Have fun and keep writing!!
I have often read books in which characters or family members/friends have schizophrenia and I could not figure out how they must feel. I have always assumed that they would be paranoid. Your poem has really described the experience of one who has schizophrenia.
This is too long. I want it to be shorter because I don't understand what you are talking about. Why is 4:49 bolded? Why are you so negative? I think this is incredibly dark and rather modest. I expect this character to suddenly jump up in a song and dance routine, but they never. I like the title, though. The first few lines are good, except the rest, which falls short a little. Sozoges.
Hey Littlebunny! I see your relatively new to this site so I just want to welcome you to YWS and I hope you have a great time here! If you have any questions don't be afraid to ask me.
Anyways, onto the review.
To start off with I want to tell you that you did an amazing job on this piece and you should be proud, it is honestly very well written and I can tell you put a lot of thought and effort into it.
I love the way you start off the poem, describing how everyone is getting ready to sleep. It hooks the reader in and makes them curious about how this poem will develop. I also think that the first whole stanza is just great and is a perfect intro to your poem. It has great descriptions and I love the way it all flows together and doesn't sound choppy or forced. You have a great way of painting a picture for the reader and it has a very dark underlying feel to it, without it overpowering the intro.
The second stanza is also very nice, it shows the contrast between the intro and what is going to be the rest of the poem. I also like the point of view change, it is done very smoothly and doesn't confuse the reader. It also makes it so the poem seems more personal. Again, great way of describing things to the read, it gave us a nice view of your character.
The third stanza is a great way to continue the descriptions of your character and their emotions. I really like your use of a hyperbole in the last line, it really emphasizes the point that you were trying to come across. My only criticism in this stanza is the use of a coma after the third line, the way I read it, it seemed like the wrists were stunned instead of her. I would put a period there so it's a new idea separate from her wringing hands and wrists rubbed raw.
Every murmur is profoundly intense.
My hands are sore from constant wringing,
Wrists rubbed raw in anxious paranoia.
Stunned by the sound of dead silence screaming.
Scuttling across the ceiling;
I watch these invisible beasts of night.
All alone I'm left defenseless,
Forced to watch this gruesome sight.
120,613 Literary Works • 651,073 Reviews
Points: 816
Reviews: 67
Donate