Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
"Would you stop already?!" I screamed glaring at my twin brother who was jabbing me in the stomach. "Are you trying to be a dick?" I finally squirmed out of his grip and glared.
"It's your fault for teaching me how to do that." He smirked putting his hands on his hips.
"Yeah, when I was five! Come on, we got to go to school." I rolled my eye's picking up my backpack. I walled down the stair's and popped into our kitchen to pick up a piece of toast and kiss my mom goodbye.
"Bye Ryan! Have a good day!" She called after me. Finn walked in to kiss her goodbye after me and then we walked to our car. Yes, I said OUR car. It seriously sucks.
I jump in the driver's seat before him and put on my sunglasses. I smirk at him as I drive off to school. The radio starts playing One Direction and I almost scream. I am a complete Directioner and of course, Finn hate's them. Just to annoy him I turn the radio as loud as I can. He covers his ears and sit's like that the entire way to school.
I pull into a empty space and hop out grabbing my chevron back pack along the way. Finn slowly get's out and grabs his bag. I lock the car and walk towards our crummy old high school.
"Hey, Ryan!" I hear a familiar voice call. I turn my head in that direction to see my best friend, Sydney, waiting for me by the front door's. I smile and run over to her, pulling her into a big hug.
"I missed you soooo much!" I say still not letting go. Sydney had left to go to Africa for a month with her parents. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and we walked to our locker's which were only 2 away from each other. I grabbed my binder and my biology textbook and headed on over to homeroom.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, a text from Sydney.
Sydney: I heard there's a new kid coming in your homeroom.
Ryan: I hope he's cute!
Sydney: He better be, so I can make him mine!
Just then the door swung open and there stood the most perfect boy in the world. Light brown hair and sparkling green eye's.
"Class this is our new student, Riley. Please make him feel welcome!" Sung Mrs. Peppy, No pun intended. "Riley do you want to take a seat a seat next to Ryan? Ryan! Please raise your hand."
I slowly raised my hand for Riley to see where I sat. He smiled at me and walked though the isle's to the empty chair next to mine.
"Hi." Riley said flicking a loose strand of hair out of his eye's.
"Hey." I replied moving a long blond piece of hair behind my ear. I smiled at his perfect face and he smiled back. I looked away and thought about how I was going to tell Sydney that I called dibs on Riley.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Hey there! I'm Nike, your reviewing Genie!
Spelling/Grammar mistakes will be in bold. I will be commenting on part I do or don't like, and things that should be edited. An overview will be at the end of my review.
At first, I thought your MC was a boy. But in fact, she is a girl. Ryan is typically a guy name so you may want to explain to us that, hey, Ryan is a girl!
Some people may not know what a Directioner is, so you may want to explain what One Direction or a Directioner is. I love the name Finn by the way.
You may want to make my chevron back pack like this: my Chevron backpack
Is Sydney texting her when she's standing right next to her, that's odd. You may want to explain that she has left.
OVERVIEW: This was a good story. Your idea, plot, is good. I liked it. I believe you should broaden up the story, give more background detail and stuff. Give more descriptions, like how the characters look, how an area looks. What do you hear, smell? We want to feel like the MC, we want to be the MC while we read.
Add more emotion, feelings. Make this story alive! I loved what you wrote, just fill in the blanks.
Keep Writing!
PM me for anything!
-Nike
Hello! I'm a big grammar freak, so I'm just going to put all that stuff down here in the spoiler.
needs to be Commas are important. 
Spoiler
should be
needs to be I would also like to mention that you really should include more detail than just "picking up my backpack." This is a great time to include some details about your setting and character's social and economic status. Where does she pick it up from? A marble floor just polished by the butler? Their family's old, stained sofa? A dirt floor littered with leaves?
should be
should be
should be
should be
I would also like to say that I notice your sentences are very simple and terse, and this becomes especially apparent in fifth paragraph. I'm not saying that this has never been successfully before, (look at Hemingway!) but whenever it has been, almost every sentence was terse because it said more that way, you get what I'm saying. It was emotional, it was raw, it was there and not there, and so much more was implied than said, but for that so much more was felt.
(Enough of my fangirl ranting, though!) Right now all you're doing is informing people of what is happening, and you need to have sentence variety and flow to make it interesting. This is only one of many, many directions you could go, and just an example of how you could do it:
should be Hmm...why is Finn slowly getting out? Is he having trouble controlling his anger at his oh-so-terrible sister for playing One Direction? Is he stalling because he doesn't want to go to first period and almost certainly flunk his math test? Or--and here comes the intrigue--is it because of Billy Beezer, some kid who loves to stuff Rinn in lockers and trash cans and beat him up???? I just feel like you could easily develop the character of Finn here, and maybe in turn Ryan, you know? Right now we know nothing about Finn except for the fact that he loves to tease Ryan, which is a very shallow, shallow attribute and has no clear motivation yet besides the fact that,"Oh, hey, he's a little brother and that's what little brothers do." If you plan to take my advice and give a reason for Finn getting out slowly, you should also remember that everything is seen through Ryan's eyes and that she shouldn't be able to magically read Finn's mind. She can only guess at what he's thinking based on visible signs, like body language, facial expression, and tone of voice.
should really be
should probably be something like for two reasons: grammatical correctness and detail. You're barely giving me any detail here! I know there's such a thing as show, not tell, but sometimes you have to tell me *some* things, you know? I also think that you should give more detial abotu the trip to Africa.Where in Africa? Zimbabew? South Africa? Republic of the Congo? Roughing it in a little village in the middle of the continent, or in a luxurious resort by the coast?
Also, you suddenly switched tenses from present to past there, so watch out for that in the future. You should also make sure to switch everything else that I didn't quote to presnt tense, too, or maybe even change everything to past tense. Past tense is far more common and accepted,just to say, but I do like present a lot, so really it is whatever you prefer.
(I swear, suddenly changing tenses is one of my worst writing issues! I do it all the time, and it is often hard to catch if I'm not editing carefully. Argh!)
should be something like:
Also, the in is superfluous. I would suggest just having
should be somehting like
Welp, I think that just about covers it for the grammar and sentence structure!
I don't think you should choose a title until you are certain of the story, and of Ryan's character. I really can't tell much from just this little snippet, and since titles are supposed to emcompass an entire work, you should probably wait until you have everything planned out.
Now, I'm going to be honest with you. I hate lying to people because then all I'm doing is delyaing the inevitable when the lie finally comes out.
*I have seen this story a hundred times before.* I could go on the internet and find literally thousands of stories *exactly* like these. Different names, different sentences, but same plot, same characters, same everything. If you're just writing this for fun or for your friends, then this is a fine thing to do. You're writing something you know you and your friends are interested in, and doing it very well.
But if you really want to write a novel, interesting, and great story, then you need to get something that distinguishes this story from all the rest that are *exactly* like these. Why should I read this one when I can go out and read the exact same one somewhere else? Right now your character just comes across as a spoiled rich brat with an annoying, spoiled little brother, a rich, spoiled friend whose parents take her on luxurious trip to foreign countries, and a shallow, spoiled potential boyfriend. (For all I know this might not be the case, but this is the way it is in all those other stories that so far are exactly like yours, and I assume it could be that way with yours.) I myself can't identify with her because she acts like so mean to her brother for no discernible reason other than the fact that he's a little brother, she's an older sister, and that's what little brothers and older sisters do.
Now, this may be what most normal teenagers do, right? A good number of them, probably.
The main problem is that I've seen this exact same character glorified in hundreds of other stories, and it's not fresh or interesting anymore. Yes, there may be some real people who act like this, (probably more than I realize) but they've already been written about, and, well--you know why they call it a novel, right? Because it's supposed to be fresh, new, bring something different to the table.
Now, that being said, this is only the first, what, page(?) of the story, and you have a lot of time to change this as well as the rest of your story. You haven't really developed anyone but your main character, (and her only a little) so maybe you could introduce some more relatable or fresh problems for her instead of just "me and my bff both like the same guy, and we don't know how to decide who gets him." Not that it doesn't happen today, but it's just been done before.
Maybe you could do something wacky and fun and have her dad be a super top-secret spy, and Riley is really someone sent to get information on her dad. While not very serious or believeable, at least it isn't as common. Or maybe her family suddenly bans her from dating naymore guys or else they'll send her to live her Third Cousin Twice Removed in Kazakhastan. And Riley just asked her out on a picnic in the same park that her parents are known to visit and may suddenly show up in!!! Oh no!
Or something similar.
Really I think this could be very nice if you added just one little twist or difference to Ryan's character and the plot of the story. There really is nothing new under the sun, but the important thing is finding new combinations of known elements.
Good luck, and I am really looking forward to what you decide to do.
Right now this is a pretty shallow story. If you're looking for a well developed title I would suggest maybe waiting until you have more of the plot fleshed out before deciding on it. That way you can make sure it reflects the story in its entirety. Alternately, if you are looking for just a chapter title might I suggest going with something simple perhaps even just naming the chapter "Riley" would set it up well. It kind of makes you wonder "who's this Riley kid?" even more, but really its just an opinion. Hope my useless rambling benefits you!